SKILL
BUILDING 1
Entire water in the ocean can never sink a ship unless it
gets inside. All the pressures of life can never hurt unless we
let them in.
Anonymous
Happiness
Part II concluded with three searching questions: Question1—What could be the
identifiable factors and practical guidelines that empower individuals to be on
WIN-WIN Response Mode? Question
2—How to develop the Skill? Question 3—Will the Skill instill
happiness?
These three
questions would remain as reference points while developing comprehensive
understanding on Skill Building.
Skill Building
My
learning evolved at Doon Youth Center (DYC) over 15 years of hands-on
experience. Interactive Learning Mode proved amazingly effective in that it
allowed each one to work out perspective at own pace. Benefits—improved
communication skills, self confidence, decision-making-ability and learning
practice-able Coping Skills.
Encouraging
feedbacks—1) Confident briefing by 20 year old to a visitor—I entered DYC on 24th attempt. Never looked back
thereafter. Before that I returned after climbing the stairs 23 times. 2)
An eminent Radiologist reconnected after years despite hectic schedule at
Dehradun. Recalling fond memories said—‘I can never forget
those memorable sessions that helped remove my cobwebs.’
Interactive Learning Mode
I still
remember the well-thought-thru perspective of a 16 year old —‘Best learning
takes place when inputs are processed individually in an interactive format’.
Tasted drug at 8, poor academic profile and absconded from home. Parents
had given him up as an emotional wreck when they brought him to DYC. After
sharing struggles and perspectives, his attitude changed radically within days.
The
traditional top-down teaching method lends itself to rote learning with
extremely low assimilation. This also stifles creative
and critical thinking. Few years ago, request for admission of a top grader
was rejected by Cambridge University UK for lacking in critical thinking. It
was conveyed in as many words to the Head of that Indian School of
international standing.
Recently
one 24 year old lady, a volatile thinker, shared painful memories of sexual
abuse by grandfather. Advocate of decency in public had no qualms violating the
innocence of grandchild in privacy! Having to touch feet of the abuser
was even more painful. He dared to do so as many as 40 times assured of
deafening cultural silence! Yet we cling to the absurdities of ‘Indian Culture’
conditioned over centuries!
Disillusioned
and disgusted with societal hypocrisies, she questioned the very foundation of
culture and relationship! Her rebellious attitude softened as the discussion
progressed. While leaving she appeared more composed. Smiling ear
to ear said—‘I never got answers to my questions earlier. You explained
it so well in simple words.’ To my query ‘did I’, she replied
gleefully—‘Actually you helped me to work it out’.
These
illustrations are pointers to emphasize the effectiveness of interactive
learning to develop response-ability to situations on WIN-WIN Mode.
Road Map of Life
| SKILL BUILDING |
Road map
of Skill Building needs to follow contours connecting following Facts of Life:—
1)
Rights and Wrongs are fixed. Please read my blog Healthy Sexuality
Part III Values/Principleshttps://sushantdyc.blogspot.com/2014/12/healthy-sexuality-part-iii-values.html
2)
No one is indispensible as death is inevitable event of glorious
uncertainty!
3)
Health and Relationship are the two most crucial facets of life
other than God & primary needs. Only Self-effort can ensure quality of
either.
4)
As humans, ‘Being’ is more important than ‘Doing’ contrary to
the widespread perception.
5)
We are products of our own choices NOT genes and
environment/circumstances. Please read my blog Happiness Part
II
6)
I know myself best; am my best protector as well as adviser. Most
are bewildered when asked Who knows you best?
7)
No one can feel emotionally hurt without one’s own choice. This
was well demonstrated by a class 8 student during life skills class.
He whispered to me—“Sir, I will offer this pen and request
you to take it. But you should refuse”.
I had no idea what he had in mind. Abiding by his request I
repeatedly refused to take it. Turning to the class, he said— “See what has
happened. This pen symbolizes abuse. If he doesn’t take it, the ‘abuse’ stays
with me only”.
8)
Every
choice has consequences, positive/negative and short/long term. It is
like picking up a stick; one end is Choices and the other Consequences.
9)
The panacea for empowerment and happiness is Healthy Sexuality—The
totality of being a male or female Ethically, Emotionally, Mentally, Relationally,
Spiritually, Physically NOT absence of disease or libido. Please read.
One needs
to process and internalize clear understanding of above stated
facts. Noteworthy feature—SELF is the key determinant in each of
them!
Attitude/Behavior
These two
words are closely associated with skill building. Whether behavior flows out of
attitude or vice versa, more often than not, generated animated discussion at
DYC. One common comment frequently heard, particularly amongst youth, to
describe arrogant/snobbish behavior—‘He/She has an attitude’. This could be the
reason for confusion.
However,
all discussions at DYC concluded with the consensus—‘Attitude determines
Behavior’ and ‘Behavior flows out of Attitude’.
Significance of Behavior
 |
| BEHAVIOR/RESPONSE |
Brain/Mind
Power. What we have discovered so far is far too little as
admitted by neuroscientists. It is an all encompassing miracle, yet we hanker
after miracles!!
Why Do Individuals Behave the Way
they Do?
Drawing
from my experience at ground zero, it is reasonably not possible to codify
human behavior. In identical situations, response of two individuals is
uniquely different
Behavior
is culmination of real time interplay of intrinsic factors. It
encompasses Choice of Response; verbal/non-verbal or combination of
both. Verbal is 10 percent and non-verbal 90, of which 60 percent is
tone/tenor of voice. Source, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen
R Covey.
In life,
almost everyone is behavior-centric from womb to tomb. ‘First impression is the last
impression’ is an oft-repeated caution to those preparing
for viva/interview. Behavior is the focal point of intra/inter personal relationship.
There lies its significance.
Therefore,
identifying the Factors
Influencing Behavior assumes importance
Quick
Survey
People of
different gender, age & status were asked—What are the Factors that
Influence Behavior?
Initial
struggle to respond was palpable. Understandably so, as we grow up under
protective wings of helicopter parents and ventriloquist elders. They are
forever ready to answer and prompt response to kids instead of encouraging them
to explore and grow. This conditions us to be over-guarded or non-committal or
evasive or hesitant in later life.
Words
Verbalized. Encouragement and coaxing helped them to share words— Attitude,
Background, Tension, Upbringing, Nurturing, Feelings, Values, Rights &
Wrongs, Environment, Situations, Habit, Thinking, Consequences.
Frame of
Reference (FOR). Briefly it means ‘A structure of concepts, values, customs,
views, etc., by means of which an individual or group perceives or evaluates
data’. Hence all the stated words have bearing in determining the
attitude of an individual based on his/her FOR.
Skill Building : Methodology
It will
be developed in stages dwelling on characteristics (words) that influence
behavior. It is a tried and tested method which has withstood the test of time
and scrutiny. Uniqueness of the content—Nonacademic.
Rooted in
realism, readers may find the narrative mirroring and reviving own memories and
innate coping skills to deal with difficult situations. Logic of it explained here-under would enable us learn how to apply that innate skill to be happy in
all situations! Allowing external factors to control one’s mood would tantamount to handing over our Remote Control of life to others! Losers’ Choice for sure!
Feelings-Thinking-Consequences-Paradigm Shift
Feelings-Thinking-Consequences-Paradigm Shift
Almost
all of us struggle when asked to name one’s feelings other than Happy or Sad. Identifying
feelings helps addressing struggle when in Sad Cycle. To illustrate:
Happy Feelings. Amusement, Ecstatic, Compassion, Love,
joy to name few
Sad Feelings. Afraid,
Anger, Depressed, Fear, Hopelessness, Loneliness are few out of more than 30.
Feelings-Thinking. Good or
bad behavior depends upon Happy or Sad Feelings at that moment.
Similarly, on quality of feelings depends quality of Thinking (Negative/Positive). One more crucial aspect
that impacts feelings—How Others Respond to someone else’s Behavior? Conversely, behavior mirrors quality of feelings.
Conceptualized
graphically, ensuing equation follows a distinct cyclic pattern. To plot that model for say Sushant:
Happy Cycle
Positive Feelings
= Positive Thoughts = Positive Behavior = Others Response—Positive = Ends
Making One Feel Happier = Sushant is in Happy Cycle. Happiness is aspirations of everyone, yet nealy
90 percent lead unhappy life chasing toys instead of Health and Relationship. Good
news is—How to remain happy is practice
able skill.
Sad Cycle
Negative Feelings = Negative Thoughts = Negative
Behavior = Others Response— Negative = Ends Making One Feel More Sad = Sushant is
in Sad Cycle. Until the Cycle is Broken,
Sushant will slide into vortex of abysmal sadness.
Consequences of Sad Cycle
Low Self
Esteem; Hopelessness; Self Victimization; Poor Academic Performance; Empty Love
Tank Renders One Vulnerable to Making Wrong Choices; Self Harm; Suicidal Thoughts/Attempts;
Violence; Addiction; Promiscuous Life;
Ailments; STD/HIV; Failure in Relationships; Mega Losers in Life.
Struggle of a 18 year old boy
One evening a tall handsome guy arrived
unannounced at DYC looking extremely distressed. Was in frightful hurry to talk.
Sitting down said—“Sushant I think I have
HIV. I had sex with a prostitute. Wish I did not listen to my friend to take alcohol”.
Flooded with negative feelings he kept
cursing himself as he discovered facts about HIV test and consequences. Witnessing
him suffer was disturbing. Yet he had no option but to deal with his trauma. Learning
about facts did help him to regain self-control.
Loop
To re-draw
the LOOP:
How I Feel? --------Segment A--------How
I Behave? -------Segment B---------How Others Respond-------------Segment C----------------Back to How I Feel?
Paradigm Shift from Sad to Happy Cycle
Story of Anahita Batra:
Please read my post Life Skills Happiness. To recap, Childhood innocence rendered her vulnerable to repeated sexual abuse.
Ill-equipped parents were too trusting to keep at bay the prowling predators
(close relatives) enjoying the status of ‘respectful elders’. What a mockery of
Indian culture! Traumatic experience with boy friend at 15 devastated her. Her radical change in response mode from ‘Loser’
to ‘Winner’ brought about the miraculous transformation—despair to ecstasy. To
read more please access.
Post Script
Own Time Work. To validate the concept, readers may spare few
moments pondering over their own memories of Sad/Happy Cycle from Childhood.
Disagreements would be more than welcome.
Question. Out of
the three segments A, B & C, where should one break the Sad Cycle and How?
To Be Contd……………
