Prologue
'Life is 10% of what happens and 90% of how one
reacts/responds to it (10:90 Principle). By nature we are Proactive but conditioned to become Reactive' Reliving own
memories of how we dealt with difficult situations, would help us realize—Happiness
Lies in the Stated Aphorism. Few
real life illustrations:
Illustration
1. Brief
recap of 'My Torrid Affair at 33' Read:
Reactive Response Irresistible
lustful thoughts-feelings about Lisa (name changed), influenced my choice to attend
the midnight party. Despite earlier overtures, passion got the better of me to enjoy her
attention/company.
Consequences One
thing led to another. Heavy petting was too tempting to resist physical
intimacy.
Proactive Response
Values-driven-turmoil within helped me spurn her amorous pleas to walk
out at 2 AM
Nota Bene/Note Well (NB)
1) Never visit a place where one may be vulnerable to hormonal pressures.
2) After leaving, felt powerful and self esteem shot
up.
3) Potentially each one has the ability to be proactive
following 10:90
principle.
principle.
Illustration
2
Tony (name changed), perfect in social-networking but
professionally incompetent Major, had served under me in early 1980. My adverse report had sealed his promotion. Chance
meeting at luncheon in mid 1990 revealed the intensity of his grouse. In response to my courteous hello, he burst
out with choicest abuses. After a while:
Sushant (asked
nonchalantly) Have you
finished?
Seething with anger Tony was twitching.
My indifference angered him more. Seemed on the verge of collapsing.
Tony (almost
growled back) Yes
Sushant Thank you very much and walked away.
NB
1) I learnt the
concept of proactivity post 2000 at DYC
2) Early 2000, during
life skills session, Parul (real name), School Head Girl asked candidly—'Should
I keep quiet if someone abuses me?' All her
classmates were as keen to know the answer. After narrating the episode, I asked—'Between
Tony and I, who had the power?' Unanimous
loud response—You. When I asked Parul,
does that answer your question, she nodded gleefully.
3) Confirms that potentially
each one has the ability to respond proactively following 10:90 Principle.
Illustration 3
Story of
infatuation between Prince (name changed), age 17, Class 12 and lady teacher Tina 25 (name changed).
On first
meeting, I was impressed by his imposing and charming personality. Though tall
and strong built, his handsomeness radiated aura of innocence. No wonder she found
him irresistible.
Like
most teenagers, Prince grew up with Unhealthy Sexuality and Empty Love Tank due to traditional parenting and schooling—focused
on Intelligence Quotient (IQ) as against Emotional Quotient (EQ). I reckon, head space of Tina was even worse as
girls grow up with more complex challenges, above all gender bias.
Ill-equipped
to manage upsurge of feelings during adolescence, Prince succumbed to her amorous overtures. Yet
stepped back sensing her emotional insecurity and unethical expectations—intimacy and marriage. Laudable and exceptionally powerful choice for
sure!!
Incidentally
few months back, he inquired—'Sushant, when do you plan to publish my story?'
To
highlight his proactive choices—1) Walked out of the messy relationship 2) Sought
counseling support without delay.
NB
All three examples validate the stated aphorism.
Recap on
Non-Changeables (NCs) and Changeable (Cs)
Model is reproduced. NCs are in the outer circle. Imagining apprehensions, anxieties, worries pile-up NCs endlessly. Result tension and psychosomatic disorders!!
Proactive
Response is a Tool
This expression I first heard from Kunal while teaching
Proactivity. To demonstrate futility of
thinking about Non-Changeables (NCs), he asked 4 tough students to push and shift the concrete wall
back few inches. Everyone in the class
was curious to know the purpose of expecting something so ridiculous!
Discussion followed on 'how to shift the wall'. After a
while, Kunal stated a meaningful simili:
To shift the Wall of Concrete, we need suitable
'Tools (implements)'. Similarly, suitable Tools are needed to demolish
the self-created 'Virtual Wall of NCs'! That Tool is known as Proactive Response, life-transforming skill which can
be learnt thru practice.
Power
Tools of Proactivity
One "fundamental principle about the nature of
man—between stimulus and response, we have the freedom to choose our response”.
To do so, optimum use of Magic Space would entail clear understanding and
application of the Power Tools:
· Pause Button
· Self Awareness
· Imagination
· Conscience
· Will Power
Pause Button
On occurrence of situation, press the
pause button. It is like time out to plan winners' response based on logical
thinking thru internal interplay of Self-Awareness, Imagination &
Conscience.
When
Dipa (name changed), my very special friend, felt hurt and ventilated
grievances against me, I paused for almost three days thinking thru the
episode. As her genuine well-wisher, it helped me post-mortem threadbare reasonableness
of my response on long term perspective.
Time-Tested Proviso. Spontaneous response or Reactive behavior is always
counterproductive. Recent episode that hit
international headlines:
Lunatic act of Manic Sarkar, aluminous IIT Kharagpur—shot dead his
former Professor on 01 June 2016, USA. It highlights consequences of Reactive
behavior and importance of EQ in life.
Self Awareness
Ability to identify own feelings and sensitivity
to the feelings of others from internal frame of reference. It enhances compassion
and empathy.
One more intrinsic human characteristic
of self awareness is 'Out of Body Experience'. Shutting of eyes, sets off
unique experience in that subtle form detaches and hovers over physical form observing
everything. Such as own feelings & that of others, facial expressions, internal
upheavals, upsurge of anger/fear, type of responses and consequences etc.
Imagination
Is there a moment when we are not imagining
things past, present or future? This is
a cutting edge tool for Growth as well as Self-Destruction. To reinforce, tension is outcome of
destructive imagination replaying hurts and worrying endlessly about NCs.
Power of imagination enabled Dr Victor
Frankl to discover 'why to live' and emerge
stronger despite years of unthinkable treatment in German concentration camps!
To know more, read his best seller and classic—Man's Search for Meaning.
On the contrary, Manik Sarkar
used it destructively to plan two murders; his wife and then the
Professor. Outcome suicide!! Otherwise, life imprisonment for sure.
This inbuilt mechanism is like North
Star that guides us unfailingly on Rights and Wrongs provided one listens to
the soft prompts of Conscience. Whether to listen or not depends entirely on
our Freedom of Choice with the attended consequences. It helps an individual to
work out his/her North Star—Non-Negotiables
that aid decision-making as experienced by me.
My two Non-Negotiables are—Ethics
& Humanism precluding all other 'ISMs'—Fundamentalism,
Hinduism, Buddhism. Sikhism, Marxism, Atheism, Socialism, Communism, Scientism and so
on.
Will Power
This innate power remains dormant until
shift in paradigm from Reactive to Proactive Thinking. Once solution is
finalized, it is translated into action thru active Will Power. Illustrations 1
to 3 should help understanding the difference between dormant and active Will
Power. Once Prince shifted gear from Dormant to Active Will Power, he felt empowered to make Proactive Choices
overcoming teenage temptations.
Conclusion
Secret to Happiness lies in the concept of PROACTIVITY—a prerequisite for
improving Spiritual (SQ) & Emotional
Quotient (EQ). Therefore, major focus
of Life Skills sessions was centered
around Proactive Response. Challenge was to enable students to learn from their
own perspective. Interactive mode helped me learn more. To recap a real life
scenario:
One afternoon 17 year old Harsh (name
changed) arrived looking disturbed. His comment—'Yesterday I had a fight with
Dad. At that time it was not possible to remember proactivty'.
Fight was over TV remote. Both wanted
to see different programs. Disagreement
led to son using force to snatch the remote. Physically weak Dad lost balance
and fell down. Lost conscientiousness as his head hit the wall. Apprehending
major mishap Harsh was worried and remorseful listening to Mom's scolding.
Discussion helped learn—How one feels
after responding to situation would be valid indicator of the type of response:
·
Proactive Response Positive
and powerful feelings
·
Reactive Response Negative
Feelings like that of a loser
This experience triggered thoughts to write
down the Thumb Rules of ProactiveResponse.
