"The Hand That
Rocks the Cradle is The Hand That" Nurtures Leaders of Character.
Foreword
Parents need to feel assured that this post is not intended to dissect the
fault-lines of parenting but to draw lessons and generate holistic guidelines
on 'How to be a Friend-cum-Parent'! Thus enabling potentially gifted Moms &
Dads to enjoy The Joys of Parenting and be worthy of attaining the envisaged 'Place of
Eminence'.
Is Parenting an Issue?
At Doon Youth Center (DYC), our
efforts to influence parents to attend Parenting Workshop were unsuccessful.
Their reluctance to come aboard made me wonder whether we were focused on a
non-issue! However, feedbacks from sons and daughters were in favour of the
workshop.
Few workshops conducted were
well-received and profusely appreciated by the participants. Interactive
format, role plays, comments of experts' panel, comprising teenagers, added
special flavor of realism and learning thru fun. Our 'young experts' were
a class above and unsparing in articulating their point of view.
Highlights:
- Teenager Utpal on nagging by parents to study—'I need space to relax watching TV. Constant nagging is irritating and distracting. Suppose on return of Dad from office, I start pestering him with questions—"Did you perform your duties well in office; did you clear all files….", how would he feel? Our situation in dealing with nagging is similar. Parents need to be more understanding'.
Smother Mother
- Shared by Class 12 Student of a premier residential school: 'I was 5 and busy doing homework. My Mom arrived with a glass of milk and started pestering me to drink, ignoring my pleas to let me study. Unable to manage my anger, I slapped her and became more aggressive when Dad arrived to support her'.
His remorse for that act was still palpable. After sharing, there was a
welcome change in that this recluse became more comfortable and confident
interacting with others!!!
Outsourcing Parenting to Grand Parents/Others
This trend has been gaining
popularity amongst newlyweds conforming to the prevalent perception—Full time
job would augment family income to meet rising cost of living; it would also
enable both to pursue their professional passion! Consequences as narrated:
1.
On return from work, I wanted
to spend time with son. I was hurt & cried pining for his company. He kept me
waiting for two hours as he preferred to play with नानाजी (my Dad).
2.
Ignoring caution, my good
friends continued with high profile jobs as Dadi/Nani took turns to babysit. Not
satisfied with son's development, Mom quit job when he was 2½. Both of them
were happy sharing their joint decision with me…
Existing Environment
No child is born without parents and No child is born a criminal or saint.
Barring negligible few, most grow up with unethical traits indicating Unhealthy Sexuality—Cheating,
Abusing, Bullying, Violence, Substance Abuse, Self Harm, Suicide, Sexual
Offences so on. Such horrific episodes shock us out of slumber too frequently.
Whatever
be one's perspective, Parenting plays a major role in influencing the attitude of
precious sons and daughters as evident from the ensuing examples. It also
signifies the need for paradigm shift from Traditional to Quality Parenting……! Moot point is how to bring about that
sociological change pan India and world......??? Until then.....???
Inspiring
Disheartening
2)
8
month old raped by 28 year old married cousin
Bench-marking Quality Parenting
The best well-wishers of a child are parents. Moot point is are they doing their best in nurturing? To determine 'what is best', parents need to define the Vision about their children.
This topic featured prominently during Parenting Workshops. Conditioned to perceive Success as Marks-Money-Power-Status, parents struggled to articulate the suppressed Vision of Substance—Good Human Being.
A more wholesome and holistic vision—empowered individual imbued with character and
competence (Proactivity). To recap, 'empowered' signifies the
ability to make choices based on clear understanding of Rights and
Wrongs.
Fundamental Principles (FP)
Emerging out of the Stated Vision are Ten Time-Tested FPs evolved over
years of hands-on experience!! These principles help benchmarking to check
whether parenting is on track.
According to two out of ten guidelines for teachers by Mr Arthur E Foot,
first HM The Doon School—
'Teach students the difference between Right/Wrong; How
to choose Right over Wrong?'
Benefits: Instills self discipline and enables youth to set
limits after processing consequences vis-à-vis choices.
FP2 Response-Ability
Life is all about Situations and Responses. One only has
the ability to respond to situations based on either Negative Feelings
(Reactive) or Positive Feelings (Proactive). To read more, access Proactivity—Winners'
Response
FP3 Be Friendly NOT Familiar
As to how to
be friendly, response of a 14 yr old son to his Mom was significant—'Mom listen
instead of advising all the time'. Use of words like तु, यार, foul
language......breeds familiarity which sours relationship.
Class 6
Girl—'whenever I am on phone, Dad asks whether I was talking to my boy friend.
I do not like it but ….'
FP4 Five Pillars of Relationship—Acronymn TRUS(C)T
TRUST
RESPECT
UNDERSTANDING
COMMITMENT
TRANSPARENCY
Note:
Love is not what is communicated in Mills & Boons and
visual media. It also does not grow in a vacuum but on strengthening the stated
Five Pillars.
One should rise in love NOT
fall…!
It explodes the myth of
promiscuous lifestyle to express love and promote bonding. Lust-based
relationship is short lived with disastrous consequence
FP5 Fact of Life
Contrary to popular perception, all parents need to accept graciously that Sons & Daughters Know
Themselves Best, are their Best Protectors & Advisors
FP6 Two Most Crucial Factors
Health and Relationship are the two most crucial factors
of life other than God and primary needs
FP7 Cooperation NOT Competition
It was during a Session on Friendship that I was sensitized
to the ills of cut-throat Competition. The session was with Class 8 students of
a renowned residential school. Marks-centric
competition to be in Toppers' list destroys healthy relationship was
unanimously admitted by students thus:
'Reason
for not having the attributes of a good friend was
Competition!!'
FP8 Emotional Quotient (EQ)
Craze for celebrating merit has created a world teeming with IQ and Self
Centric humanoids devoid of Compassion and Empathy. Social and Economic injustice is everywhere,
yet the 'haves' are unmindful and unabashedly pleasure-seeking. If one has the
money to splurge, what's wrong is a popular perception that raises
uncomfortable questions??
Hard statistics published recently:
One percent Indians garnered wealth of 73 percent in 2017
and globally the situation is grimmer: one percent acquired wealth of 82
percent
Confession: Not a nice feeling that, by virtue of assets, I
also belong to this exploitative 1 %. Have reinforced my resolution to spend
money wisely without splurging…
FP9 Confidence Level & Decision Making Ability
During life skills classes,
we often conducted surveys to ascertain ground realities so that our classes
remained contextual. Feedback from students of Classes 6 to 12 on three crucial
aspects of adolescence was revealing—less than 15 percent were Self-Disciplined,
Confident & Possessed Decision Making Ability. Surprisingly,
the situation was no different in high profile schools as well….! Reason: Pressure to score marks; warped understanding of Success; Unhealthy
Sexuality
FP10 Forbidden
No advice. Refer fp5
Helicopter Parenting. Hovering over children to supervise behavior is one
sure way of dis-empowerment. It encourages irreconcilable conflicts. Violates fp 5 & 8
No Faith-Centric perspective.
Nurturing
From womb to tomb the edifice of human life is built painstakingly laced
with abundant parental love—Elixir of Life. It's over-dosage (Pamper) or under-dosage (Neglect), during Formative Years, affects attitude/life style in
that the plausible after-effects could be:-
Anger, Empty Love Tank, Low Self Esteem, Low Emotional Quotient,
Stubbornness, Selfishness, Jealousy, Violence, Sexual Activity, Self Harm,
Suicidal Thoughts, Blue Whale Victim, Substance Abuse, Road Rage…..
Pampering
Over-cuddling a whimpering baby though crying is good for
lungs; feeding children running all over the house; getting them ready to go to
school—who should wake them up, dress them, tie shoe laces, feed and so on….????
Paying guilt money to buy toys like Mobile, Mobike, Cars,
…..
Guiding Principle: encourage kids to be independent.
Helps self discipline and empowerment.
Birds & Bees (BB)
But for negligible few, all grow up cocooned in well-entrenched-mistaken
beliefs—
'Anything remotely connected with BB, is गंदीबात (dirty stuff)'.
What is, in fact, गंदीबात (Bad Thing) Syndrome is in the quality of thinking and
choices like Eve Teasing, Incest, Rape, Sexual Abuse etc. It is NOT in discussing the awe-inspiring Reproductive
System to enhance awareness level. To read more on गंदीबात (Bad Thing) Syndrome.
Ironically, though loaded with dirty thoughts (गंदे विचार), almost all adults, as products of cultural
taboos, conveniently wear the Inconvenient Mask of Silence. In the
process, children remain unaware of matters sexual and Healthy Sexuality. To read more on the Consequences of Silence..
Comments of Class 12 student during GD on Pornography
---'We are compelled to access porn sites to learn about BB as Parents/Teachers
including Biology Teachers remain silent.....?'
Unfortunately, societal response on such occasions is appalling and
strikingly insensitive. To elaborate:-
Hands off
Approach of School Counselor(s) and Professionals
Most school
counselors are too qualified and pay-cheque focused to empathize with emotional
needs of students. As per feedback, very few counselors maintain quality
rapport with students to seek help whenever needed....
Absence of Release-Valve-Mechanism
Student-Friendly Counselors/Teachers & Parents
would be reliable Resource(s) to those in mental stress to seek help and manage
emotional outbursts.
Seething with anger Class 6 student
talked with the Facilitator—"I hate a bully in my class for teasing me
constantly." Pulling out a new razor blade, he menacingly confessed—
"I will slit his throat…" This brief interaction helped him to give
vent to upsurge of feelings.
Formal Investigation
Untrained
Teachers or School Coordinators followed by Police/CBI adopt intrusive
and insensitive methods instead of providing healing touch. Outcome is
disastrous in that children needing emotional support to overcome the trauma
suffer in silence the thoughtless questioning and, perhaps, psychologically
scarred for life!!!
Excessive Publicity
Tendency on
part of parents to seek publicity rattles the children as TRP-Centric Media
feeds on such news, deepening the emotional scars.
Vitiates the Environment
Sudden rise in
hyperactivity not only disrupts routine, it generates curiosities, rumours and
speculations that adversely affects image of the school, unsettles parents and
erodes the confidence level of students….!
The stated insensible responses were abundantly evident in video clips of the two appalling episodes:
Four year old inserts finger & sharpened
pencil inside vagina of his colleague
Parenting Challenges
Fundamentally, the challenges centre around 'How To'
deal with unique situations that crop up due to 'Behavior of Children' like
whining, crying, shrieking, tantrums, mood swings, fights, studies,
disobedience, awkward questions…..!
Safety. Curiosity & Fearlessness to explore enhance the
challenge to ensure safety against Risks and Dangers—Insertion of finger inside
electric socket; topple into water-filled bathtubs or buckets; touch/pull
anything; climbing/leaning over low railings; eating or swallowing or tasting
anything, insertion of things inside nostrils, ears, vulnerable to Sexual Abuse….
Challenging situations
shared by parents:
1. At 50 Mother of three recalled
her memories thus-'There were occasions, when tired of sleeplessness, felt like
throwing the wailing baby out thru the window'.
Dads
need to break out of the traditional mould to share parenting responsibilities
2. Fed up with unmanageable
tantrums of 6 year old son, Mom sought help of a psychiatrist. Not satisfied,
she approached me.
Root cause
of tantrums—Dad not keeping his promise to play!
3. Shared by a senior Doctor at Max Hospital Dehradun
recently: Few days back my younger son,
6 yr old, asked why his organ was bigger than that of his elder brother, 10.
Apart from struggling to respond, Dad's concern was that
his elder son was developing a complex.
4. 5 yr old daughter to Dad—'Why
are there different toilets for boys and girls in school?'
Point to note: contrary
to normal perception of Mom-Daughter equation, she asked 'Friendly Dad' not Unfriendly
Mom
5. 4 yr old son to Mom— 'आपकी घंटी कहाँ है?' (where is your 'bell'—alluding to male genitals)
Mom was able to deal with it, having
talked about body parts with her son earlier
7. Curiosity to know—'How was I
born?; What is Fuck?; What is Rape?'
8.
6 yr old daughter to Mom 'why do people kiss'?
Encourage questions from
children howsoever uncomfortable….
Faith-Centric response negates
empowerment, as it tends to outsource accountability of one's choices to Big G…..
It is important to deal with situations logically instead of being fatalistic
or committing intellectual suicide.
Formative Years
From 'Conception thru Adolescence', the most crucial
phase is 0 to 6 when 60% learning takes place to include 'Coping Skills to
Manage Feelings'. Its significance was narrated candidly by a 16 year old, who
was unfairly labeled as a problem child by parents & school
'When I was 3½, Teacher scolded me for no fault of mine. Returned home hurt and told mom. Her insensitive response—'Teacher क्या पागल है? तुमने ज़रूर कुछ किया होगा (Is the teacher mad? You must have done something)'. Disenchantment was so intense that I stopped sharing feelings with mom since then'.
 |
| MARSHMALLOW |
Marshmallow
Experiment
Held in 1960 demonstrated the significance of teaching
'delayed gratification' (Coping Skill to Manage Negative Feelings). Refer to
Page 81 Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. Briefly:
Location: Preschool,
Stanford University Campus.
Target Group: Children
around 4 yrs
Test: To restrain
eating a marshmallow (popular candy) until return of the experimenter so that
they could win two.
Result: Some four
year olds were able to restrain with difficulty for about 15 to 20 minutes
until the experimenter returned. Others grabbed one marshmallow within
seconds.
Follow-Up Report: 12 to 14 years
later the same children were tracked down during their adolescence.
Emotional & social difference between the
grabbers and gratification-delaying peers was dramatic.
Inborn
Characteristics
Humans are born gifted with Unlimited Potential and Free Will. Mercifully, prenatal phase of the reproductive system needs no human intervention. Significantly, until the momentous moment of birth, all expectant parents singularly yearn for a Child with no Biological Deformity!!
This was spontaneously endorsed by a relieved
grandma at a hospital where her daughter had delivered a healthy girl. With
utmost pain she shared—'In the adjoining room another girl was born last night
with blocked anal passage that needed emergent surgical procedure '!!!
Paradoxical
Response
Pre-birth yearnings for a normal baby are forgotten soon after birth of a
healthy child! Then starts application of the learnt technique called Traditional Parenting (TP), though it
never worked for parents or forefathers!!!.
Disregarding own experience and lack of awareness regarding Quality
Parenting (QP), focus is on four contours of TP— Discipline, Ritualism, Education, and
Career loaded with unsolicited ADVICE.
In the process, it systematically disables growth of the two Providential
Gifts—Unlimited Potential & Free Will…...!!
Conclusion
What stops us from equipping ourselves with Quality Parenting (QP)? Conditioning for sure!! Common jargons used to
justify thoughtless traditions—परंपरा चली आ रही है; सब सवालों का जबाब नहीं होता; यह विशवास/आस्था की बात है; रीति रिवाज मानना पड़ता
है; ऐसा ही चलता रहेगा।
In hindsight, conditioning and insecurities had shackled my thinking until I
discovered my Purpose of Life at 60. I think unconditional faith in
Humanism helped me to see the world as it is NOT how it should be.
Comparative analysis between TP & QP in the ensuing post, I hope, would
help develop better understanding to process the needed paradigm shift from Traditional to Quality Parenting
To Be Contd......
