PARENTING PART VI TRADITIONAL PARENTING & CONSEQUENCES 3

DADS TO TAKE NOTE

Preface

To recap the stated  fact—Behavior of an individual (PRODUCT), irrespective of age, reflects 'Quality of Upbringing or Parenting' (PROCESS). As a layman, my understanding of one more fact on genesis of the Process—It started with birth of the first human.  Anthropologists may help us understand evolution of the Chain of Parenting, each link of that chain symbolizing a generation!!

  

Chain of Parenting. In every generation, almost everyone matures conditioned in Traditional Parenting observing parents. Ironically, on becoming parents they imitate the same fault lines, glossing over own childhood struggles. Has there ever been a 'generation' that could be bench-marked for replicating Quality Parenting?

     

I have witnessed six generations of relatives and colleagues.  None seem to satisfy the criteria as evident from behavior pattern of people born post 1910!!  Nevertheless, perspectives of others, particularly experts, would be welcome. 

  

Framework of Accomplished Parenting

Time-tested 'Aphorisms' (Facts)  that find wide acceptance but almost no compliance:—

·            Actions  Speak Louder Than  Words; 

·            Children Follow Life Style NOT Advice;

·            Values/भारतीय संस्कार/सिद्धान्त Are Caught NOT Taught.

·            Emotional Quotient (EQ) is more important than Intelligence Quotient (IQ)

·            Like each one of us, Sons & Daughters know themselves best, are their best protectors and advisers.  

Unfortunately, parents seek help when traditional approach fails. Stressed and stretched to the extreme,  expect miraculous solution. When asked—'Before marriage did anyone prepare you for it & parenting?'—response has been negative so far.   Therefore, 'parent-bashing' would serve no useful purpose.

Unconditional Love & Safety. I recall the vision shared by Mr Kanti Bajpai, then Head Master, The Doon School—'I want students to feel Loved & Safe'. With similar focus at home, sons and daughters would grow up feeling empowered and motivated to learn parenting skills.   

Ill-equipped parenting leave children emotionally scarred for life. It vitiates the family environment as well. Guidelines evolved based on  Real Life Episodes and the Eight Points of Parenting vide Parenting Part V,  if followed, would alleviate the agony of parenting blues. 

 

LIFE STYLE ??

Real Life Stories 

Episode 1 in preceding Part V is story of a girl of 13 determined to commit suicide. The ensuing episode is even more touching as well as strikingly unique

EPISODE 2
Masochism

Story of a 24 Year Old Girl 

I met this remarkably smart young student of psychology one Saturday, at Doon Youth Centre (DYC). She seemed perceptive and curious to learn. Unlike young adults, Karen (name changed) was more upfront and confident in expressing her views fluently.

She called up few months later seeking appointment for counseling.  Reckon our earlier interaction, though brief, was helpful enabling her to make that choice.  Arrived bang on time. Brimming with photographic memories, took very little time to bare her heart. 

First Session Highlights     

Karen       I am from a conservative nuclear family of five with two younger siblings (brother and sister). Grew up experiencing discrimination—son was Mom's pet; too many restrictions on daughters.

  Mom badgered me not to play with guys without explaining the reasons. Often, physical force was used to discipline me.

 Until 10, I was a tomboy competing with boys. Stepped back once periods started as I felt  uncomfortable.  Had no idea of personal hygiene.  Mom's silence and indifference at this crucial phase was disheartening.  Childhood phase eroded self-worth being a woman. Never felt loved while growing up.  

At 14, felt miserably helpless when I was sexually abused on two consecutive nights by an uncle. Later realized he dry-humped.  Was  unable to seek help as relationship at home was too opaque for comfort. Suffered in silence.   

At 16, without any awareness on  intimacy, succumbed to the enticement of  18 yr old  guy. Nothing happened as he too was  a novice.

At 18, gave in to penetrative sex due to curiosity and hormonal pressures. It was a painful  experience. Yet it stirred my urges and inquisitiveness.

18 to 21—Promiscuous phase while living at Delhi for college education. Frequent partying ended up in sexual encounters with multiple partners.  Have lost the count. I learnt  how to   pleasure men; anal or oral sex did not matter.  Purchased the controversial book  50 Shades of Grey to learn more.  In fact I enjoy painful sex.  Derived satisfaction to see  men  at my mercy feeling helpless.  Sushant, to be honest I am a 'Masochist'.  

Sushant           On that  confession ended the first session of almost an hour. I used Non Directive Counseling (NDC) Skills to draw out her feelings. Genuine affirmations and prompts helped to enhance her self esteem to unwind. Progressively, she felt comfortable sharing intimate details. 

To read more on NDC, please access

She left on a positive note choosing to revisit after a week. It provided both of us space and time to process the thoughts exchanged.

Masochist

I had very little understanding of the word. Felt challenged to be better equipped before the second session. Intervening period was used for learning, particularly plausible reason(s) for such inclination.

Perspective of an eminent professional from Super Specialty Hospital, Delhi was of very little help. She was too academic to be coherent.  Google search helped access a comprehensive article by Dr. Karen Ruskin, Psychotherapist,

Excerpts:

".…Masochistic Personality Disorder’ is not currently a diagnosis…..physical abuse or pain were not the focal point…. description included those who feel unworthy, neglect their own goals and pleasures……..taught from early age to hate one’s self…. he/she is worthless as a person and unworthy of love...…lives an existence of self-defeating behaviors; ….prone to making self-destructive choices".

It mirrored the internal environment of Karen since childhood. I resolved to explore during the next session.

Taking note of her liking for 50 Shades of Grey, I browsed thru that controversial book and its sequel 'Darker' to understand reasons for the extreme behavior of Christian & Anna.  Pertinently, both grew up with unhealthy sexuality— Christian: alcoholic Mom; victim of intense sexual abuse. Anna: nurtured in unstable home environment as Mom married four times. 

Second Session

She again arrived on time, looking vibrant & cheerful. Rapport and mutual trust expanded our comfort zone to interact openly. Highlights:

Sushant           I respect and appreciate your choice to be so transparent. Would you like to share your thoughts while returning home after the last session?

      

Karen                      Felt lighter and better.

Sushant                 Seems you had strong values to make the choice to stay away from guys when periods set-in. What prompted you to venture into unrestrained sexual experience subsequently risking consequences and stepping out of it after 21? 

Karen                      Sexual abuse fueled my desire to experience, compounded by peer pressure and freedom at Delhi. Empty love tank clouded my thinking; seeking solace from others.  Routine became monotonous and burdensome. Return to Dehradun was  helpful  to reflect and  take charge of my life.  Am happier since one year with the change in routine.  

Sushant                  Sensed incoherency in her thought process—exercised sexual dominance over multiple partners thru pleasure-filled pain. Yet she found the experience burdensome and walked out of it at 22.  Towards end of the session, I narrated the story of a Gentleman Cadet (GC) from Indian Military Academy (IMA). As victim of sexual abuse by a woman, he took revenge by using and discarding females during adolescence. He felt guilty each time. To read more 

Karen                      Spontaneously stated—Sushant, have I also been doing the same thing with guys? I need to think.  Scheduling the date of her next visit, she left. She appeared to be satisfied and  in thoughtful mood. 

       

                      

Third Session  

            She arrived looking self-assured and pleased. Bounce in her stride revealed she had something special to share. 

 Karen                     Listening to the narrative of that GC, struck a chord within. Yes, Sushant, I too have been doing the same thing. I have been acting out of vengeance to watch helplessness of guys at my mercy similar to mine during sexual abuse!  To my question, whether she was a Masochist replied emphatically—I AM NOT!!     

Behavior Model

Losers' Choice.  Parents need to recognize the significance of this 'Model'. Parenting blues get accentuated as use of pressures (shouting, physical assault, naming/shaming and restrictions)  to fix behaviors fracture relationship; is also counterproductive

Winners' Choice

Behavior flows out of Attitude. To Understand Behavior—Understand Attitude—To Understand Attitude—Listen without advice. Application of this skill would do wonders. In other words:

·            Negative Feelings = Negative Attitude= Wrong Choices (Behavior)

·            Positive Feelings = Positive Attitude= Good Choices (Behavior) .  

(To read more ....)

Once, young parents shared their rewarding experience thus— 'we reached home after the workshop. Soon-after, our 10 year old daughter returned from tuition. Noticing change in behavior of usually intrusive Dad asked—'Mom, Is Dad OK' 

(Awareness WorkshopBenefits )

             

            Parenting Fault Lines

 It is evident from Karen's candid narrative that she grew up with Low Self Esteem and Empty Love Tank experiencing inputs—preferential treatment to brother, unfair restrictions on daughters, loads of advice, no awareness on protection against sexual abuse, गंदी बात culture, Mom's indifference to help during onset of menstruation and thrashing.

Adolescence started with trauma of Sexual Abuse. Rattled and with no emotional support, she was pushed into turbulent stream of Sexuality. She was too vulnerable to avoid getting sucked into the whirlpool of promiscuous life, convinced of being a 'Masochist'.  Mom's conditioned perception of being the protector was completely out of line.   

Seems emptiness of seeking pleasures, steered her away and into introspection.  Powerful choice to share freely, provided me opportunity to witness the transformational change in her. It also sensitized me to one more outcome of sexual abuse—Masochism.  

Conclusion

Sessions with Karen were unique in three ways—1) I developed  understanding on 'Masochism'; 2) Karen's rediscovery of own sexual orientation; 3) Professionals, though well-intentioned, seem too 'pre-occupied' to discover facts at ground zero.

Checkpoint for Seeking/Offering Support

Quality of Behavior is expression of the Quality of Feelings refllecting Quality of  Internal Environment.   Negative behavior indicates SOS for help!!