Preface
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| Late LADY Dr |
19 April 2015 a budding
professional committed suicide after five years of stressful relationship with
her gay husband. Notably both were Drs
at AIIMS Delhi! On 25th April another young lady Dr
committed suicide at Haridwar within a year of marriage. How does it matter who lives or dies? Such
news have become much too frequent for anyone to even pause and ponder.
Vision
‘If
you don’t know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else’. This famous quote on vision seems equally
applicable to Marriage. ‘What is marriage? It is just a fancy word for
adopting an overgrown male child who cannot be handled by his parents anymore’.
This is yet one more terse text of a popular Caption Card!
To
suss-out purpose of marriage, I asked views of few experienced
friends. Spontaneous reaction drew snide
snigger with pregnant pause. Some confessed— ‘need time to think’. Other responses
were nebulous and on expected lines—companionship; sexual needs; social
security for women; natures design for procreation; suffering together. Upfront
comment of my helper—To preempt sons & daughters succumbing to hormonal
pressures and sullying family Izzat!
When
asked to comment on outcome of purpose (s) vis-Ã -vis widespread disharmony
& social ills, they appeared befuddled. There was reluctance to suggest
remedial measures for creation of a better world stating that civilization has been
proliferating despite societal ills. Should
this laissez-affair attitude continue amongst potentially divine human beings? I
do not think so.
Consequences
of Ostrich Approach
As concerned citizens should
we be satisfied with the legacy of incompatibility in marriage and abhorrent
social ills? Barring intellectual discourses in drawing rooms and media, almost
all have reconciled to marital discord as necessary evil. Yet, the sacrosanct ritualistic and elaborate
ceremonies continue.
Focus is on image and
affluence-centric wedding-extravaganza
as against relationship-enhancing nuances
of marriage.
Nuances
of Marriage. To recall mega comment of one perceptive
Mother on healthy development of a child—‘education of a child starts in womb
from conception. Hence union of couple should be culmination of wholesome
compatibility and NOT simply an accident of pleasure’! It seems in almost all cases procreation is
‘accident of pleasure’. Please read.
Confession of a husband
recently—‘Conception of third child put us in a quandary of choosing
abortion. Precondition for adoption of
male child added to our woes of nursing a female child. Finally, much to our
relief, male child was born’. Not a nice
portrayal of procreation!
Nuptial
Night Blues.
Please read Institution of Marriage Part I regarding real life
unpleasant experiences on wedding night!
Insensitivity of parents in literary
launching ill-equipped sons and daughters into marriage fraught with
devastating outcome is inexcusably unfair. Few real life instances may facilitate
better understanding.
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| WEDDING-EXTRAVAGANZA |
Gay
Husband
Narrative of tragic
experiences of an accomplished young lady was similar. She had the courage to
seek divorce within a year of marriage.
Listening to her painful ordeal made me wonder whether parents of both
were genuine well-wishers. Barriers
created from childhood were too opaque to allow son to share his sexual
orientation either with parents or fiancé.
During our interaction well
before marriage she had agreed to check out the sexual orientation and HIV
status. Later she regretted having
glossed over on wishful thinking! Not
her fault as most parents seldom encourage
children to take initiatives that too on such least-discussed yet crucial
issues.
Well-entrenched tendency on
part of both to please parents boomeranged with disastrous consequences and public
embarrassment--irretrievable lose–lose situation for all. Yet ‘Suhaag Raat-Centric’ marriage rituals
continue!
In hind sight could she have
responded differently to checkout his sexual tendency, she recalled— ‘Yes
because at times during courtship, I did sense his lack of interest in me'.
Impotent
Husband
This revelation surfaced
during informal interaction with one
high profile middle-aged lady teaching in a reputed school. She was popular amongst students for her
student-friendly nature and professionalism.
No one seems to care about
views of marriageable daughters in conservative homes shrouded by mythical
Indian culture. Despite academic profile, she was married to an Army Officer
with the usual pomp and show. Who would
ever doubt or even care to ascertain the
physical and emotional health of a serving army officer? Obedient daughter was
naïve and much too compliant to question parental decision.
With tears flowing she
narrated the wedding night trauma when she was goaded by hubby to spend
the night with his married elder brother. No sooner truth dawned of her husband’s
impotence she returned home. But for her uncompromising stand, family-izzat-focused
parents would have been happier if she spent rest of her life in misery! What a
mockery of relationship and value for
own daughter!
Ironically, unmarried daughters are perceived
as burdens by most parents pestered by unsparing comments of nosy relatives and
neighbours. Paradoxically, views of
others seem to matter more than welfare of own progeny in protecting family-image!
She reluctantly succumbed to
parental and societal pressure to remarry a divorcee army officer much
older. Disdainfully she concluded—‘20
years of marriage has been the second chapter of my ordeal coexisting and compromising
to the whims and fancies of an alcoholic and lustful spouse. He had no qualms
in demanding sex even on the day I lost my Mom For cogent reasons children do not approve
option to seek divorce as of now’.
| Sunanda's Death Raised Questions |
Bi-Sexual Husband
One morning a professional
and dignified lady in 50s arrived with prior appointment. Married for over 20 years to well-placed
husband. Their adult son was pursuing professional studies outstation. During
our few years acquaintance, she seemed extremely cautious sharing personal
issues.
That day, besieged with emotions and seeking assurance of confidentiality, unrestrained she shared her painful and
traumatic experience. In her words—‘Few days back I stumbled into my husband’s
email ID per chance. Revelations were
incredibly shocking leaving me dumb-founded. He had been exchanging amorous
feelings with males. As his carnal
desires and dissatisfied conjugal life seeped-in, I was uncontrollably furious.
Brimming with anger, I almost dragged
him out of bed to the PC hurling offensive language. His repeated apologies and
indefensible justification worsened matters. I am unable to forgive him for his
act of betrayal. Thought of interacting with you before taking any extreme
step’.
Seemed satisfied when she
left. In fact, she left dissatisfied under
impression that I had failed to understand her situation. This she revealed
almost two years later confessing— ‘Though I left dissatisfied, your straight
inputs helped me process the whole situation logically. Once clarity crystallized
I took pragmatic decisions to reset our life on course. Thanks Sushant for
steering me to think logically’. Her candid feedback was once again a learning
experience for me.
Abusive
and Alcoholic Husband
Forty plus strikingly
charming lady walked in one evening. From generalities conversation steered
into relationship struggle with her 17 year old son. We moved to counseling
room for privacy.
Overwhelmed with feelings
she narrated bottled-up emotions candidly. High points—‘within six months of
marriage, my abusive and alcoholic husband pushed me out of the house naked on
a cold wintry midnight. Thankfully maid helped to cover myself. Circumstances
were too compelling to take extreme step’.
Narrating years of suffering
and raising three kids singlehandedly
stirred painful memories yet she seemed keen to talk—‘economic stability and
children having grown up, enabled me to plan initiation of divorce no sooner my youngest son joined college. His
intention to repeat Class 11 to play
golf for a year has upset my plans. Frequent
confrontations with husband and son have only worsened matters’.
Kudos to her resolve and
ingenuity to reestablish quality relationship with son. He graduated school
with 94 percent. High quality golf secured admission for graduation in USA. As for her intention to divorce, I am not
aware of her final action plan!
Although narratives are on
husbands as the devil, many instances relate to disgraceful acts of wives. They
blatantly misused the rights of women as per law.
Impact
on Mental Health
Emotional stress is the unavoidable
outcome of marital discord and regular conflicts amongst more than 90 percent
families. Worst sufferers are children. Empty love tank renders them vulnerable. In search
of emotional support they get submerged
in the whirlpool of passion and temptations—fights, sexual violence, addiction,
substance abuse, thefts, abusive language, road rage promiscuity et al.
Weakened
Fabric
Concomitant impact on
creation of a society spewing venom is palpable. Disproportionately high divide
economically and socially has alienated the masses. No one feels secure in this
insecure environment created by us only. Absence of compassion and empathy continue to weaken the fabric of relationship
globally.
Sanctity of the word ‘love’ has been sullied. Its connotation has come to
stay as libido and gross sexual activity portrayed in box office starrer—50
Shades of Grey—that fired the imagination of women!
Conclusion
Marriage is the divinely
designed crucible for procreation and nurturing. The process of reproduction is nothing short
of miracle. Notably, it is exactly the same for all living human beings on planet earth. Significantly, the biological
process is perfect and beyond human intervention. Complex fault lines in nurturing
seem to be the root cause. Understandably
so as most are ill-equipped in quality parenting.
Then what stops us from
creating a better world? For that, could we devise divinely designed pragmatic guidelines?
These are few questions that I intend to cover in ensuing Part(s).
