COUNSELING DIFFERENTLY PART IV BUILDING RAPPORT 1

Introduction

 The word 'Rapport' I still find intriguing as my understanding of it in all its dimensions continues to be a challenge. How to build rapport is a question that puzzles everyone, though lot has been said and written.  Browsing thru academic discourses, one-liner that encompasses the essence — 'It is a state of harmonious understanding with another individual......that enables transparent communication, both verbal and non-verbal ' (italic mine).

Rapport-building is an art that is more intrinsic than learnt to aid quality interpersonal relationship. Linked with it is one more little known yet vital factor—Route 350. 

Route 350

It is a critical component of active listening. You cannot listen well if you do not Think Well!

What is This Thinking Well?

Our ability to think and speak is 500 and 150 words per minute (wpm) respectively. Thinking ability being same,  500 wpm remains constant. However, ability to speak fluctuates up to maximum of 150 wpm from person to person and situations.  What happens then due to the minimum gap of 350 wpm (500 minus 150)? One  unconsciously steers off on 'Route 350' thinking about things closer to heart.

This awareness helped remain consciously focused on training my mind during practice sessions.   To say I have mastered it would be erroneous!

As Facilitators it is one major obstacle to overcome during the journey from Conscious Incompetence to Conscious Competence in Non-Directive Counseling (NDC).

Above all, I think, imperative need is for all of us to realize significance of this factor. It determines the quality of interpersonal relationship in life be it as couples, parents, teachers, professionals and peers.   

Rapport Building Guidelines

How to build rapport is an individual-specific skill dependent upon the frame of reference (principles or ideas that influence attitude) of both, Facilitator and Counselee.

The stated guidelines in Part V (to be published shortly)  have evolved from experience and Candid Feedback from counselees.   These may benefit potential Facilitators 70/30— Persona 70 percent and Skill 30 percent as explained in Parts I & II.      

Candid  Feedback from Counselees

For clarity, I sought views of few counselees to share their experience in response to my question—As a woman, how did you feel convinced and at ease to talk about such sensitive emotional issues disregarding  the wall of gender bias?

Reproduced verbatim are their response:

Ms Rita (name changed), Single in  Early 20s

Concern: I was raped by my Grandfather at 5. Do you think I could be HIV infected?

1)         'Unconditional regard: - it enhanced sense of self worth.

2)         Non - Judgmental attitude: - feeling of acceptance.

3)         Knowledgeable: -  feeling that i'll get right information

4)         Patient and active Listening: -  feeling that i'm being listened.

5)         Respect as female: - feeling of being respected.

6)         Healthy sexuality/ Open mindedness: - as far as gender or sexual issues are concern, you seemed positive not cheap as many males are'

Ms Suman (name changed),  Married in  Late 20s

Concern: Matrimonial Discord due to ill-treatment, disloyalty, disrespect and dynamics of intimacy  

'Few things which had helped me to build rapport with you when initially we met.

1)         You had already gained my confidence, as I saw you at the centre during group discussion.

2)         You didn't start the conversation with my problems, instead you asked me to discuss the positives I have and of course then the negatives. And the moment you made me realise that I have the ability to say NO to people, which I had always assumed that was my biggest negative, this was the ice breaker for me.

3)         After that I was very comfortable with you. No one had ever made me realise how strong my choices were. And then I guess your calm body language also helped me to relax.

4)         Lastly I would say, you maintained a distance with me that was a good choice as I was expressing some strong emotions with you. It helped me to build up the trust on you.

I hope my experience would help in your blog! Thanks for being there'.

Ms Preeti (name changed), Age 17

Concern:  Intense Sexual Abuse by close Relatives & traumatic experience with Boy Friend at 15 yrs of age

1)              'I got to know about Sushant from an employee at ChildLine who was to link me to a counselor as I needed to address my emotional issues. When I got to know that he is 75 years old, I felt that it would be utterly impossible for me to open up to a man the age of my grandfather. I was very disappointed to be honest.

2)              Still, I called him up and those 1-2 minutes of talking to him made me want to visit him. For safety reasons, I felt that taking a friend along would be wise. But as the time came, I decided to go alone because I wanted to throw out all the poison and I felt I wouldn't be comfortable in front of her.

3)              On the way to his place, I could feel my heart pounding louder than ever. I was shivering with nervousness. The choice to move forward made me go on. As I entered his place, 15 minutes into our session and I felt at ease with him, more than I had ever felt with anybody. Here are a few things that made a difference to me. 

4)              He greeted me warmly and asked me to choose where I wanted to sit. I was called a VIP.

5)              He asked me what I wanted to address and gave me positive affirmations for being that brave.

6)              He listened to me intently. He made me believe that I could heal by telling me "You are a box of treasure. Just because people have tried to step on it doesn't make it any less worthy."

7)              As I was sharing about how a cousin had molested me, I used the words - "he touched me here and there." The final ice breaking was done when  after taking my permission to be open, he asked me if my cousin had touched my vagina. It was bit of a surprise to me but it assured me that I could talk about everything openly with this man. 

8)              After that, I went on to share things that I hadn't admitted even to myself. Never for a moment I felt vulnerable sharing something so huge. In fact, coming out of his place, I felt a huge rock had been lifted off my chest. I felt extremely powerful. 

9)              I downloaded all of my emotional baggage within just two sessions! I've never looked back since then. ……has been a life-changer for me. 

10)           Not calling up for appointment'.

   Conclusion

Building rapport, for a Facilitator 70/30 of substance, is akin to weaving a bridge of empathy and compassion for someone to walk up and talk freely feeling confident and comfortable. This is the most challenging ice-breaker in Counseling Differently in line with the famous maxim—well begun is half done!

Fact of life. For someone in emotional distress, the process of healing and transformation can only start once the difficult choice is made to talk, overcoming meaningless societal barriers of culture/tradition.     

 

                                                                                                        To Be Contd……… 

MUSINGS 8 THOUGHTS TO REMEMBER SERIAL 4

GO NOT TO THE TEMPLE

RABINDRANATH TAGORE

Go not to the temple to put flowers upon the feet of God,

First fill your own house with the Fragrance of love...

Go not to the temple to light candles before the altar of God,

First remove the darkness of sin from your heart...

Go not to the temple to bow down your head in prayer,

First learn to bow in humility before your fellowmen...

Go not to the temple to pray on bended knees,

First bend down to lift someone who is down-trodden...

Go not to the temple to ask for forgiveness for your sins,

First forgive from your heart those who have sinned against you.

Comments 

The poem gladdened me as it resonates my thoughts on ritualism since childhood.   Theme of popular movies like OMG & PK has the same message.  

Tagore’s views on education— “He found his outside formal schooling to be inferior and boring and, after a brief exposure to several schools, he refused to attend school. The only degrees he ever received were honorary ones bestowed late in life”. 

To brag I have a degree—Inter Sc (NDA). But  that degree would have rendered me ineligible for white-collar job!! 

MEANINGFUL  PERSPECTIVES

Death asked Life: Why does everyone love you and hate me.   Life replied : Because I am a beautiful Lie and you are a painful Truth

Loneliness is not lack of company, it is lack of purpose

Never search your happiness in others, it will make you alone, search it in yourself you will feel happy even when you are alone. 

To make right choices in life, you have to get in touch with your soul. To do this, you need to experience solitude, which most people are afraid of, because in the silence you hear the truth and know the solutions.

 Let your past make you better and not bitter

Intriguing Co-incidence 

a)         Temple is a 6 letter word

b)         Church is a 6 letter word 

c)          Mosque is a 6 letter word

d)         Geeta is a 5 letter word

e)         Bible is a 5 letter word

f)           Quran is a 5 letter word

Rhetorics 

1)     Always welcome the problems; because problems give you dual advice—First, you know how to solve it and Second, you know how to avoid it in future

2)     Entire water in the ocean can never sink a ship unless it gets inside. All the pressures of life can never hurt you unless you let them in

3)     Never hold your head high with pride or ego; even the winner of a gold medal gets his medal only when he bows his head

4)     World always say – Find good people and leave bad ones. But I say, find the good in people and ignore the bad in them, because No one is born perfect

5)     We are very good Lawyers for our mistakes, but very good Judges of other’s mistakes

6)     None can destroy iron, but its own rust can! Likewise, none can destroy a person, but his own mindset can.

7)     Ups and downs in life are very important to keep us going, because a straight line even in an E.C.G. means we are not alive.

8)     Consequences of How One Interacts. Anger distances hearts. To cover that distance angry people shout at each other. Angrier they are higher is the decibel level.  When in love, we talk  softly as distance is almost  non-existent. Unrestrained arguments may cause irreconcilable distance. Then one may not find the path to return!!  

9)     Joys of Living.   Mobile has taught us three things .... Whatever makes us happy  -- save it.....Whatever makes others happy -- forward it.....Whatever will make no one happy -- Delete it....

PROCESS OF EMPOWERMENT

LEARN FROM GIRAFFE

Baby giraffes never go to school. But they learn a very important lesson rather early in life. A lesson that all of us would do well to remember. The birth of a baby giraffe is quite an earth-shaking event. The baby falls from its mother's womb, some eight feet above the ground. It shrivels up and lies still, too weak to move. The mother giraffe lovingly lowers her neck to smooch the baby giraffe.  

And then something unbelievable happens. She lifts her long leg and kicks the baby giraffe, sending it flying up in the air and tumbling down on the ground. As the baby lies curled up, the mother kicks the baby again and again until the baby giraffe, still trembling and tired, pushes its limbs and for the first time learns to stand on its feet. Happy to see the baby standing on its own feet, the mother giraffe comes over and gives it yet another kick. The baby giraffe falls one more time, but now quickly recovers and stands up.  

Mama Giraffe is delighted. She knows that her baby has learnt an important lesson: Never mind how hard you fall, always remember to pick yourself up and get back on your feet.  Mother  giraffe knows lions and leopards relish giraffe meat. Unless the baby quickly learns to stand and run with the pack it will have no chance of survival.

Most of us give up when we fail or when chips are down. We too need to self-kick ourselves  out of our comfort zone and be empowered before adulthood.

Or else survival amongst wolves prowling concrete jungles would be even more difficult!!