PARENTING PART VI TRADITIONAL PARENTING & CONSEQUENCES 3

DADS TO TAKE NOTE

Preface

To recap the stated  fact—Behavior of an individual (PRODUCT), irrespective of age, reflects 'Quality of Upbringing or Parenting' (PROCESS). As a layman, my understanding of one more fact on genesis of the Process—It started with birth of the first human.  Anthropologists may help us understand evolution of the Chain of Parenting, each link of that chain symbolizing a generation!!

  

Chain of Parenting. In every generation, almost everyone matures conditioned in Traditional Parenting observing parents. Ironically, on becoming parents they imitate the same fault lines, glossing over own childhood struggles. Has there ever been a 'generation' that could be bench-marked for replicating Quality Parenting?

     

I have witnessed six generations of relatives and colleagues.  None seem to satisfy the criteria as evident from behavior pattern of people born post 1910!!  Nevertheless, perspectives of others, particularly experts, would be welcome. 

  

Framework of Accomplished Parenting

Time-tested 'Aphorisms' (Facts)  that find wide acceptance but almost no compliance:—

·            Actions  Speak Louder Than  Words; 

·            Children Follow Life Style NOT Advice;

·            Values/भारतीय संस्कार/सिद्धान्त Are Caught NOT Taught.

·            Emotional Quotient (EQ) is more important than Intelligence Quotient (IQ)

·            Like each one of us, Sons & Daughters know themselves best, are their best protectors and advisers.  

Unfortunately, parents seek help when traditional approach fails. Stressed and stretched to the extreme,  expect miraculous solution. When asked—'Before marriage did anyone prepare you for it & parenting?'—response has been negative so far.   Therefore, 'parent-bashing' would serve no useful purpose.

Unconditional Love & Safety. I recall the vision shared by Mr Kanti Bajpai, then Head Master, The Doon School—'I want students to feel Loved & Safe'. With similar focus at home, sons and daughters would grow up feeling empowered and motivated to learn parenting skills.   

Ill-equipped parenting leave children emotionally scarred for life. It vitiates the family environment as well. Guidelines evolved based on  Real Life Episodes and the Eight Points of Parenting vide Parenting Part V,  if followed, would alleviate the agony of parenting blues. 

 

LIFE STYLE ??

Real Life Stories 

Episode 1 in preceding Part V is story of a girl of 13 determined to commit suicide. The ensuing episode is even more touching as well as strikingly unique

EPISODE 2
Masochism

Story of a 24 Year Old Girl 

I met this remarkably smart young student of psychology one Saturday, at Doon Youth Centre (DYC). She seemed perceptive and curious to learn. Unlike young adults, Karen (name changed) was more upfront and confident in expressing her views fluently.

She called up few months later seeking appointment for counseling.  Reckon our earlier interaction, though brief, was helpful enabling her to make that choice.  Arrived bang on time. Brimming with photographic memories, took very little time to bare her heart. 

First Session Highlights     

Karen       I am from a conservative nuclear family of five with two younger siblings (brother and sister). Grew up experiencing discrimination—son was Mom's pet; too many restrictions on daughters.

  Mom badgered me not to play with guys without explaining the reasons. Often, physical force was used to discipline me.

 Until 10, I was a tomboy competing with boys. Stepped back once periods started as I felt  uncomfortable.  Had no idea of personal hygiene.  Mom's silence and indifference at this crucial phase was disheartening.  Childhood phase eroded self-worth being a woman. Never felt loved while growing up.  

At 14, felt miserably helpless when I was sexually abused on two consecutive nights by an uncle. Later realized he dry-humped.  Was  unable to seek help as relationship at home was too opaque for comfort. Suffered in silence.   

At 16, without any awareness on  intimacy, succumbed to the enticement of  18 yr old  guy. Nothing happened as he too was  a novice.

At 18, gave in to penetrative sex due to curiosity and hormonal pressures. It was a painful  experience. Yet it stirred my urges and inquisitiveness.

18 to 21—Promiscuous phase while living at Delhi for college education. Frequent partying ended up in sexual encounters with multiple partners.  Have lost the count. I learnt  how to   pleasure men; anal or oral sex did not matter.  Purchased the controversial book  50 Shades of Grey to learn more.  In fact I enjoy painful sex.  Derived satisfaction to see  men  at my mercy feeling helpless.  Sushant, to be honest I am a 'Masochist'.  

Sushant           On that  confession ended the first session of almost an hour. I used Non Directive Counseling (NDC) Skills to draw out her feelings. Genuine affirmations and prompts helped to enhance her self esteem to unwind. Progressively, she felt comfortable sharing intimate details. 

To read more on NDC, please access

She left on a positive note choosing to revisit after a week. It provided both of us space and time to process the thoughts exchanged.

Masochist

I had very little understanding of the word. Felt challenged to be better equipped before the second session. Intervening period was used for learning, particularly plausible reason(s) for such inclination.

Perspective of an eminent professional from Super Specialty Hospital, Delhi was of very little help. She was too academic to be coherent.  Google search helped access a comprehensive article by Dr. Karen Ruskin, Psychotherapist,

Excerpts:

".…Masochistic Personality Disorder’ is not currently a diagnosis…..physical abuse or pain were not the focal point…. description included those who feel unworthy, neglect their own goals and pleasures……..taught from early age to hate one’s self…. he/she is worthless as a person and unworthy of love...…lives an existence of self-defeating behaviors; ….prone to making self-destructive choices".

It mirrored the internal environment of Karen since childhood. I resolved to explore during the next session.

Taking note of her liking for 50 Shades of Grey, I browsed thru that controversial book and its sequel 'Darker' to understand reasons for the extreme behavior of Christian & Anna.  Pertinently, both grew up with unhealthy sexuality— Christian: alcoholic Mom; victim of intense sexual abuse. Anna: nurtured in unstable home environment as Mom married four times. 

Second Session

She again arrived on time, looking vibrant & cheerful. Rapport and mutual trust expanded our comfort zone to interact openly. Highlights:

Sushant           I respect and appreciate your choice to be so transparent. Would you like to share your thoughts while returning home after the last session?

      

Karen                      Felt lighter and better.

Sushant                 Seems you had strong values to make the choice to stay away from guys when periods set-in. What prompted you to venture into unrestrained sexual experience subsequently risking consequences and stepping out of it after 21? 

Karen                      Sexual abuse fueled my desire to experience, compounded by peer pressure and freedom at Delhi. Empty love tank clouded my thinking; seeking solace from others.  Routine became monotonous and burdensome. Return to Dehradun was  helpful  to reflect and  take charge of my life.  Am happier since one year with the change in routine.  

Sushant                  Sensed incoherency in her thought process—exercised sexual dominance over multiple partners thru pleasure-filled pain. Yet she found the experience burdensome and walked out of it at 22.  Towards end of the session, I narrated the story of a Gentleman Cadet (GC) from Indian Military Academy (IMA). As victim of sexual abuse by a woman, he took revenge by using and discarding females during adolescence. He felt guilty each time. To read more 

Karen                      Spontaneously stated—Sushant, have I also been doing the same thing with guys? I need to think.  Scheduling the date of her next visit, she left. She appeared to be satisfied and  in thoughtful mood. 

       

                      

Third Session  

            She arrived looking self-assured and pleased. Bounce in her stride revealed she had something special to share. 

 Karen                     Listening to the narrative of that GC, struck a chord within. Yes, Sushant, I too have been doing the same thing. I have been acting out of vengeance to watch helplessness of guys at my mercy similar to mine during sexual abuse!  To my question, whether she was a Masochist replied emphatically—I AM NOT!!     

Behavior Model

Losers' Choice.  Parents need to recognize the significance of this 'Model'. Parenting blues get accentuated as use of pressures (shouting, physical assault, naming/shaming and restrictions)  to fix behaviors fracture relationship; is also counterproductive

Winners' Choice

Behavior flows out of Attitude. To Understand Behavior—Understand Attitude—To Understand Attitude—Listen without advice. Application of this skill would do wonders. In other words:

·            Negative Feelings = Negative Attitude= Wrong Choices (Behavior)

·            Positive Feelings = Positive Attitude= Good Choices (Behavior) .  

(To read more ....)

Once, young parents shared their rewarding experience thus— 'we reached home after the workshop. Soon-after, our 10 year old daughter returned from tuition. Noticing change in behavior of usually intrusive Dad asked—'Mom, Is Dad OK' 

(Awareness WorkshopBenefits )

             

            Parenting Fault Lines

 It is evident from Karen's candid narrative that she grew up with Low Self Esteem and Empty Love Tank experiencing inputs—preferential treatment to brother, unfair restrictions on daughters, loads of advice, no awareness on protection against sexual abuse, गंदी बात culture, Mom's indifference to help during onset of menstruation and thrashing.

Adolescence started with trauma of Sexual Abuse. Rattled and with no emotional support, she was pushed into turbulent stream of Sexuality. She was too vulnerable to avoid getting sucked into the whirlpool of promiscuous life, convinced of being a 'Masochist'.  Mom's conditioned perception of being the protector was completely out of line.   

Seems emptiness of seeking pleasures, steered her away and into introspection.  Powerful choice to share freely, provided me opportunity to witness the transformational change in her. It also sensitized me to one more outcome of sexual abuse—Masochism.  

Conclusion

Sessions with Karen were unique in three ways—1) I developed  understanding on 'Masochism'; 2) Karen's rediscovery of own sexual orientation; 3) Professionals, though well-intentioned, seem too 'pre-occupied' to discover facts at ground zero.

Checkpoint for Seeking/Offering Support

Quality of Behavior is expression of the Quality of Feelings refllecting Quality of  Internal Environment.   Negative behavior indicates SOS for help!!

 

PARENTING PART V TRADITIONAL PARENTING & CONSEQUENCES 2

Preamble

Are humans product of process like any other Consumer/Industrial goods? This question has been engaging my mind lately. 

As defined, product is 'a person or thing produced by or resulting from a process, as a natural, social, or historical one'. On that analogy, we are products too like any other consumables with one distinct endowment—Unique Faculty to Think and Freedom of Choice.  

One crucial component in the production process of commercial product is Quality Control. Purpose—Customer Satisfaction and Profit. Yet  instances are not rare of profiteering and breach of customers' trust! Recent illustration is that of German automaker VOLKSWAGEN; marketed substandard cars worldwide for seven years with tampered emission mechanism aka Cheat or Defeat Device. Overwhelmed with greed, sullied not only image of the Company but that of a country reputed for unwavering integrity! Irony of justice—Group CEO allowed to get away lightly by resigning!!

           To eradicate such unethical practice, corporate world remain focused on fine-tuning the Process of Production. Scientifically reliable mechanisms evolved so far are two— International Organization for Standardization (ISO) and Six Sigma Rating. Stamp of these two accredited organization has stupendous value globally. Dream of any company is to join that esteemed club.  

   

Truism —Quality of finished Product depends upon Quality of the PROCESS of manufacturing. In other words, quality of finished Product reflects quality of the PROCESS.

Quality of Parenting

How is this preamble relevant in context of Parenting? Process and Product equation is equally applicable to humans. Logical inference—behavior of humans (PRODUCTS) reflects 'Quality of Upbringing or Parenting' (PROCESS), a phrase often used by teachers and insensitive individuals to criticize unruly students/indecent behaviours. 

Resources, by way of print/visual media & innovative lecture cum workshops, are available in abundance.  Yet, almost everyone grows up conditioned in Traditional Parenting observing their parents. Ironically, on becoming parents, they replicate the same style.    Challenge is how to bring about a paradigm shift and qualitative change in the 'PROCESS'. This is a small step in that direction!

Evaluation of Behaviour/Parenting

From childhood, conditioned to be behavior-centric, it is the focal point of intra/inter-personal relationship. Behavior of children is monitored whimsically by parents pursuing traditional life style—Dad is busy climbing success ladder; Mom finds the load, thrust on her, too burdensome to handle.

With no emotional support either at home or school, children grow up in a vacuum relying on friends.  Peace prevails until adolescence when sudden change in behavior unsettles parents.    Low  Emotional Quotient (EQ) and lack of Life Skills lead to frequent confrontations.  

Real life narrative of two recent episodes would facilitate better understanding of  the Essence of this post—Behavior of an Individual Mirrors Parenting.

EPISODE 1

Story of a 13 Year Old Girl

 

            In my enriched journey of life post 60, each day, though unpredictable, is a learning experience listening to heart rending narrative of youth in emotional crisis.

My good friend, an  accomplished and student-friendly teacher, called up one evening. He wanted to check my availability to counsel one 13 year old girl, determined to commit suicide. Choice of that student to share something so huge was a welcome sign. Credit also goes to the young teacher of 28 or so enabling her to talk so freely.

Despite emotional upheavals and that too so soon in life, Usha (name changed) was remarkably calm and composed narrating her concerns with amazing clarity and fluency both in Hindi and English.  Highlights of our interaction for almost an hour:

Usha                             I do not want to live. My parents do not love me. They constantly criticize—तुम से हमें कोई ऊमीद नहीं है। At school colleagues have spread rumors about my friendship with a boy of class 11. Have become a laughing stock.  My reputation has been tarnished unfairly. Someone has informed my Mom too. Trust factor has nose-dived. They have drawn conclusions without listening to me. I am not doing well in studies. Feeling extremely depressed. Have nothing to live for.     

Sushant                      Interspersed with genuine affirmations and focusing on her positives, I asked—Since when are you in depression; Have you ever attempted suicide; Who are you closest to?  

                                        

           Usha                                  Since two years or so I have been sad.  Comparison with others is unbearably painful. Few months back I  crossed over the railing on first floor roof of our house to commit suicide. Just then Dad appeared and pulled me back. Dressing down followed. Am closest to my sister, 2½ yr old. She may not be able to talk but she understands me best. I love playing with her.  

Sushant                      Challenged her to think—1) Does it matter, how her sister would feel in her absence? 2) Narrated thoughts of a suicide-centric guy who gave up the idea fearing one consequence. In his words—'Suppose I survive with a major disability'!! 3) Should she allow herself to be affected by false allegations?

At the end when asked how she was feeling, responded positively to say 'Feeling lighter and better'.  Only time will tell whether she has been able to take charge of her life as an empowered teenager! 

Observations

Children—Reasons for Emotional Struggle 

Undoubtedly, all parents and children love each other! To feel loved, initiative on part of parents would empower sons & daughters to learn that Lifelong Skills. Emotion-driven responses convert minor disagreements into conflicts leaving everyone feeling miserable. How to promote mutual understanding and happiness? 
 

For comprehensive understanding, please access:-

a)            Healthy Sexuality

                    

b)           Struggles of Formative Years

                    

c)            Parenting

                    

d)           LifeSkills Feelings Cycle

                     

Highlights of Four Posts

Salient aspects of quality parenting are summarized seriatim: 

  

1)            Point No 1 .  Values through life style.  

2)            Point No 2.  Healthy Relationship thru Trust, Respect, Understanding & Transparency.

ILL-EQUIPPED
PARENTING

3)            Point No 3. Healthy Sexuality thru open discussion on Taboo Topics; discard 'गंदी-बात' mask.    

4)            Point No 4.  Self Esteem—No labeling like तुमसे कुछ नहीं होगा, बुद्दू. Comments/ criticism like  shy, lacks confidence, लड़के के जगह लरकी हो गई; comparison with others; partiality;   abusive treatment/language.  

5)            Point No 5. Restrictions; explain reasons logically—don’t talk to girls/boys, Talk but within limits w/o explaining it, Drugs/drinking are bad; Too many 'don'ts' for girls.

6)             Point No 6   Avoid Stress of Competition—Studies, marks, choice of subjects & career.

7)             Point No 7. Be Friend-cum-Parents NOT vice versa—to develop understanding  listen without advising; learn to shut-up

8)            Point No 8.  Be sensitive to Consequences—Empty love tank leads to wrong/extreme choices like self harm, suicide, violence, substance abuse, premarital sex and so on.  

Analysis of Episode 1

Full marks to the parents of Usha for allowing birth of two daughters contrary to  traditional son-centric bias.  It deserves special appreciation, as they did so stepping out of societal conditioning.  

  

Silver Lining. Similarly, as products of own choices, parents also have the wisdom to learn and practice  'Quality Parenting'. Whosoever chooses to do that paradigm shift would initiate beginning of a historical  chapter!!  

Behavior Model

Usual practice of dealing with behavior by shouting or naming/shaming or restrictions would be momentary and counterproductive. Behavior flows out of Attitude; To Understand Behavior, Understand Attitude; to Understand Attitude, Listen attentively without advice.  

Traditional parents think, they are the best protectors. Fact—Usha is her best protector and advisor as she knows herself best.  Refers to Road Map of Life

Situation of Usha 

Why is Usha determined to commit suicide having attempted it once earlier?  To understand, let us listen to her: 

Her Emotional Struggles

1)              I do not want to live. My parents do not love me. They constantly criticize—तुम से हमें कोई ऊमीद नहीं है।

2)              Colleagues have spread rumors…. become a laughing stock. ….reputation …..tarnished unfairly.

3)              Someone….informed Mom…. Trust factor has nose-dived…. drawn conclusions without listening to me. 

4)              Feeling extremely depressed. Have nothing to live for. 

5)              Since two years or so I have been sad.  Comparison with others is unbearably painful.

6)              Few months back I crossed over the railing on first floor roof of our house to commit suicide. Just then Dad appeared and pulled me back. Dressing down followed.

7)              Am closest to my sister, 2½ yr old. She may not be able to talk but she understands me best. I love playing with her.  

 

           Parenting Fault Lines

Correlating with salient points stated already, striking inadequacies are—unhealthy relationship due to trust deficit; parents have drawn conclusions based on questionable inputs from students; need to listen to understand her situation; labeling; criticizing;  unhealthy sexuality of parents, teachers and peers of Usha;  Peers are also products of faulty parenting. Love tank of everyone is empty.  

Conclusion

Almost all are feelings-driven in making choices. Losers' choice for sure. By making the powerful choice to seek emotional support on helpline, Usha deserves compliments for breaking out of the mould to improve her Emotional Quotient (EQ).  

Episode 2  regarding struggles of 22 year old young lady Karen (name changed) shall follow. 

                                                                                       To  Be Contd........