SKILL
BUILDING—2
Recap
Life Skills ser
5 Happiness Part III concluded with Sad Feelings Cycle reproduced below and the question—Out of the
three segments A, B & C, where should one break the Sad Cycle and
How? Answer is Segment A. 'How' to is a Skill explained subsequently.
Existing
Environment
In real life
most seem OK carrying the burden of sad feelings. Then why should one think of
breaking the cycle is a reasonable question to explore. Real life episodes of few
Good and Bad Choices should help better
understanding.
Good Choices—Happy
Cycle
Bad Choices—Sad
Cycle
1)
04Jan 2016 Udaipur 4000 में मिली पार्टी में एंट्री, नशेमें धुत्त लड़कों हो रहीं थीं लड़कियां सप्लाई
4) 20 Feb 16 Dehradun CBI arrests 4 senior excise intelligence officers in Rs 10 lakh bribe case
5)
My
experience few years back—Traumatic struggle of an 18 year old regretting his
visit to brothel after taking alcohol with ‘cool’ companion. Apprehensive of
HIV infection, it was painful listening to his regretful admission—because of alcohol
I lost control and slept with a
prostitute.
Inference
Repercussions of bad choices
are too severe to gloss over. Recalling
own experiences should enable each one of us to relive those stressful phase(s)
when overwhelmed by emotions we made negative-feelings-driven choices
disregarding consequences!
As a victim of sexual abuse, my lustful thoughts were too forceful to resist penetrative sex at 9. Fortunately I did not succeed, but lived with the guilt for decades until I was able to talk about it!! Read similar episodes here.
Flashback
Though happiness is in the wish-list of all, most succumb to asymmetric life style of seeking illusive pleasures conforming to the enticing catchphrase—work hard and party harder. Frustrated and dissatisfied, surge of negative feelings pushes one into the whirlpool of SAD CYCLE. To break that cycle is almost compelling as human nature is to feel happy.
The Question—'How to Break the Sad Cycle' at A would be the reference point while developing comprehensive understanding on Skill Building.
'How to Break the Sad
Cycle at Segmant A'?
Life is a combination of happy and sad situations. For instance, Appreciation—Criticism; High--Low Percentage of
Marks; Fair—Partial; Respect—Insult; Justice—Injustice; Truthful—Dishonest; Success—Failure
and so on. Real life Illustrations:
Happy Situation. Narrated by an emotionally
charged young man of 23—
Daddy
walked 16 KM to attend my eighth birthday as no transport was available due to छक्का jam. I cannot
ever forget it.
Sad Situation. Shared by an angry young lady
of 24—
Our
society is full of hypocrites; I was sexually abused 40 times by grandfather
who ardently preached भारतीय संस्कार; imposed restrictions on girls.
Each one would welcome occurrence of happy situations 24/7 that leave unforgettable and blissful memories.
Though no one wishes to face negative situations, these are integral
part of duality in life. Listed are
instances of real life situations shared by counselees; age group teenager to
senior citizens:—
1)
Pretty young Lady of 28—My Boy Friend (BF) rejected me after
stirring my feelings for 9 years. I felt cheated and shattered.
2)
Traditional Mom of 16 year old son—I walked in unannounced to check whether he was studying. Was shocked
to discover him watching porn. He also misbehaved for intruding his privacy.
3)
Hopeless 13 year old girl
shared on helpline—Fed up with ill treatment at home, I am determined to
commit suicide.
4)
Dejected Dad of a 17 year old son—I have lost my son. He walked in
stone drunk last night in presence of guests.
5)
Nearly 60 year old widower—I am unable to cope with the premature
death of my wife
6)
Struggle of a sixty year old lady—from childhood I have been a
victim. Series of sexual abuse by servant and doctors were traumatic. Married
life has been in doldrums ever since I discovered extramarital affairs of my
husband.
7)
Reclusive girl of Class 11, with history of admissions in ICU due
to repeated self injury—I was raped at 16 by राखी भैया on होली when I was alone and loud music playing.
8)
Prefect (Girl) of a high profile school—Unable to bear
the unending quarrels of parents, I left home at 10 PM last Thursday and
returned after half an hour.
9)
14 year old girl narrated tearfully—My Boy Friend is
blackmailing me to have sex as his most cherished birthday gift from me.
10)
Intense hurts shared by high profile teacher, nearing 50—Arranged
marriage to an impotent Army Officer; coerced to sleep with his married elder
brother was traumatic; alcoholic and lustful second husband demanded sex on the day my Mom died.
Logical
Analysis
Let us rationally examine whether any of the stated ten situations
could be prevented from happening. Also whether anyone of those was
Controllable/Changeable (C) or
Non-Controllable/Non-Changeable (NC)!!
Situation One
Was it possible for the girl to prevent her BF from walking out of
the relationship? Obviously, NO as decision of BF was beyond her control. Hence
NC
Situation Two
Was it possible for Mom to control the choices of her son like
watching porn, not studying, misbehaving? Certainly Not. NC
Situation Four
Could the parents ever stop their son from consuming alcohol? If
they could, this situation would not have taken place. NC
Situation Seven
If she could prevent or control, rape would not have taken place. NC
Situation Ten
Choice of BF to pressurize her for sex is beyond her control. NC.
Observations
1)
All ten negative situations are Non-Controllable/Non-Changeable
(NC).
2)
Occurrence of situations are unpredictable.
3)
For validation, readers may recall the experiences of negative
situations of their life!!
4)
90 percent focus of 90 percent people is on NCs.
5)
NCs are like concrete walls.
6)
Remaining focused on the Wall (NCs) is like banging your head
against it causing self-injury (physically hurt and devastated emotionally).
Skill
Building—Concept I
Law of Life (Situations)
Like Law of Gravity, the Law of Situations has always existed,
independent of what one may think:
Occurrence
of situations (Happy/Sad) is unpredictable and NC. Happy situations are welcome. Sad situations, if not addressed
destroy life of individuals. To recall, in absence of S in Life-S-Kills, LIFE KILLS
Question—Is it sensible to spend 90 percent of time
focused on things that are Non-Controllable/Non-Changeable (NC)? Sane
answer would be NO. Then where should be the 90 percent focus?—Things one can Change
or Control.
What Can One Change or Control?
This question during life skills classes in schools challenged
students to think differently. To list the words verbalized by majority—My Thinking;
My Choices, My Behavior; My Attitude; My Jealousy; My Feelings & Thinking;
Environment; Boy/Girl Friend; Soul
Mate.
Interaction on Environment; Boy/Girl Friend; My Soul Mate generated
animated discussion. Invariably the discussion ended with consensus—'We
cannot change or control anything other than our own self'.
My Feelings & Thinking
If it was possible to change/control Thinking/Feelings, then why
should a person feel sad on the death of a pet or anyone dear. Uncontrollable
feelings/thoughts is how, not only humans but flora & fauna, have been
designed. All nature lovers would vouch for it. Good news is that we are humans
and not Computers!
One has no control, but each one has the ability to manage his/her Thinking as well as Feelings. Hence shown on borderline of the Circle (See the image). Though unaware, we are
practicing it already in real life carrying baggage of hurt much longer than
necessary.
Circle of Control (COC)
COC denotes things we can change/control to include the stated
words—My Thinking; My Choices, My Behavior; My Attitude. Of them, common
denominator is 'MY'. In other words, all encompassing word, MYSELF,
would suffice being the only changeable/controllable fact of life.
Everything outside one's COC are NCs like:
·
Occurrence of situations
·
Others—Parents, Teachers, Friends, Boss, Spouse, Relatives, Sons,
Daughters, BF/GF & so on
·
Spoken Words, Deeds, Past, Time, DNA and so on.
 | |||||||||
| CIRCLE OF CONTROL Courtesy Ms Meera Handa |
Own Time
Work
QUESTION: IF WE
HAVE NO CONTROL OUTSIDE OUR CIRCLE OF CONTROL AND OVER OCCURRENCE OF SITUATIONS,
THEN WHAT DO WE HAVE CONTROL OVER?
