LIFE SKILLS SERIAL 6 HAPPINESS PART IV CIRCLE OF CONTROL

SKILL BUILDING—2

Recap

Life Skills ser 5 Happiness Part III concluded with Sad Feelings Cycle  reproduced below and the question—Out of the three segments A, B & C, where should one break the Sad Cycle and How? Answer is Segment A. 'How' to  is a Skill explained subsequently.  

Existing Environment 

In real life most seem OK carrying the burden of sad feelings. Then why should one think of breaking the cycle is a reasonable question to explore. Real life episodes of few Good and Bad Choices should help better understanding. 

Good Choices—Happy Cycle

a)            04 JUN 16 Hyderabad Meet The Man Who Dedicated His Entire Pension To Fill  Potholes To Save Lives

b)            08 Jan 2016 Jharkhand Meet the RSS leader who changed fortunes of a Muslimvillage  

c)            31 JAN 16Real Hero: Nana Patekar’s NGO To Adopt Two More Drought Hit Villages In Maharashtra

d)            RANCHI15 FEB 16 Making a difference: How a woman official changed tribal habits and became their ‘God’ 

 

Bad Choices—Sad Cycle

1)            04Jan 2016 Udaipur 4000 में मिली पार्टी में एंट्री, नशेमें धुत्त लड़कों हो रहीं थीं लड़कियां सप्लाई

 2)            15JAN 2016 हरिद्वारः बंधक बनाकर मासूम बहनों संग रेप, तीसरी बहन बचकर भागी 

 

3)            29 JAN 2015 Dehradun अपरा‌ध पर लगाम लगाने वाले पुलिस के मुखिया (DGP) खुद कोर्ट में तलब

4)           20 Feb 16 Dehradun CBI arrests 4 senior excise intelligence officers in Rs 10 lakh bribe case

5)            My experience few years back—Traumatic struggle of an 18 year old regretting his visit to brothel after taking alcohol with ‘cool’ companion. Apprehensive of HIV infection, it was painful listening to his regretful admission—because of alcohol I lost control  and slept with a prostitute.  

Inference

Repercussions of bad choices are too severe  to gloss over. Recalling own experiences should enable each one of us to relive those stressful phase(s) when overwhelmed by emotions we made negative-feelings-driven choices disregarding consequences! 

 As a victim of sexual abuse, my lustful thoughts were too forceful to resist penetrative sex at 9.  Fortunately I did not succeed, but lived with the guilt for decades until I was able to talk about it!! Read similar episodes here.

Flashback

           Though happiness is in the wish-list of all, most succumb to asymmetric life style of seeking illusive pleasures conforming to the enticing catchphrase—work hard and party harder. Frustrated and dissatisfied, surge of negative feelings pushes one into the whirlpool of SAD CYCLE. To break that  cycle is almost compelling as human nature is to feel happy. 

          The Question—'How to Break the Sad Cycle' at A would be the reference point while developing comprehensive understanding on Skill Building.

'How to Break the Sad Cycle at Segmant A'?

Life is a combination of happy and sad situations. For instance,  Appreciation—Criticism; High--Low Percentage of Marks; Fair—Partial; Respect—Insult; Justice—Injustice; Truthful—Dishonest; Success—Failure and so on. Real life Illustrations:

Happy Situation. Narrated by an emotionally charged young man of 23—

Daddy walked 16 KM to attend my eighth birthday as no transport was available due to छक्का jam. I cannot ever forget it.  

Sad Situation. Shared by an angry young lady of 24—

Our society is full of hypocrites; I was sexually abused 40 times by grandfather who ardently preached भारतीय संस्कार; imposed restrictions on girls.   

Each one would welcome occurrence of happy situations 24/7 that leave unforgettable and blissful memories.

Though no one wishes to face negative situations, these are integral part of duality in life.  Listed are instances of real life situations shared by counselees; age group teenager to senior citizens:—

1)         Pretty young Lady of 28—My Boy Friend (BF) rejected me after stirring my feelings for 9 years. I felt cheated and shattered. 

2)         Traditional Mom of 16 year old son—I walked in unannounced  to check whether he was studying. Was shocked to discover him watching porn. He also misbehaved for intruding his privacy.   

3)          Hopeless 13 year old girl shared on helpline—Fed up with ill treatment at home, I am determined to commit suicide.  

4)         Dejected Dad of a 17 year old son—I have lost my son. He walked in stone drunk last night in presence of guests.

5)         Nearly 60 year old widower—I am unable to cope with the premature death of my wife

6)         Struggle of a sixty year old lady—from childhood I have been a victim. Series of sexual abuse by servant and doctors were traumatic. Married life has been in doldrums ever since I discovered extramarital affairs of my husband.    

7)         Reclusive girl of Class 11, with history of admissions in ICU due to repeated self injury—I was raped at 16 by राखी भैया on होली when I was alone and loud music playing.

8)         Prefect (Girl) of a high profile school—Unable to bear the unending quarrels of parents, I left home at 10 PM last Thursday and returned after half an hour. 

9)         14 year old girl narrated tearfully—My Boy Friend is blackmailing me to have sex as his most cherished birthday gift from me.

10)       Intense hurts shared by high profile teacher, nearing 50—Arranged marriage to an impotent Army Officer; coerced to sleep with his married elder brother was traumatic; alcoholic and lustful  second husband demanded sex on the day my Mom died.  

Logical Analysis

 

Let us rationally examine whether any of the stated ten situations could be prevented from happening. Also whether anyone of those was Controllable/Changeable (C)  or Non-Controllable/Non-Changeable (NC)!!

Situation One   

Was it possible for the girl to prevent her BF from walking out of the relationship? Obviously, NO as decision of BF was beyond her control. Hence NC

       

Situation Two

Was it possible for Mom to control the choices of her son like watching porn, not studying, misbehaving? Certainly Not. NC

Situation Four  

Could the parents ever stop their son from consuming alcohol? If they could, this situation would not have taken place.  NC

Situation Seven  

If she could prevent or control, rape would not have taken place. NC

Situation Ten  

Choice of BF to pressurize her for sex is beyond her control. NC.

Observations

1)         All ten negative situations are Non-Controllable/Non-Changeable (NC).

2)         Occurrence of situations are unpredictable.

3)         For validation, readers may recall the experiences of negative situations of their life!!

4)         90 percent focus of 90 percent people is on NCs.

 

5)         NCs are like concrete walls.

6)         Remaining focused on the Wall (NCs) is like banging your head against it causing self-injury (physically hurt and devastated emotionally).    

Skill Building—Concept I

Law of Life (Situations)

Like Law of Gravity, the Law of Situations has always existed, independent of what one may think:

Occurrence of situations (Happy/Sad) is unpredictable and NC. Happy situations are welcome. Sad situations, if not addressed destroy life of individuals. To recall, in absence of S in Life-S-Kills, LIFE KILLS  

Question—Is it sensible to spend 90 percent of time focused on things that are Non-Controllable/Non-Changeable (NC)? Sane answer would be NO. Then where should be the 90 percent focus?—Things one can Change or Control.

What Can One Change or Control?

This question during life skills classes in schools challenged students to think differently. To list the words verbalized by majority—My Thinking; My Choices, My Behavior; My Attitude; My Jealousy; My Feelings & Thinking; Environment; ­Boy/Girl Friend;  Soul Mate.  

Interaction on Environment; ­Boy/Girl Friend; My Soul Mate generated animated discussion. Invariably the discussion ended with consensus—'We cannot change or control anything other than our own self'.

My Feelings & Thinking

If it was possible to change/control Thinking/Feelings, then why should a person feel sad on the death of a pet or anyone dear. Uncontrollable feelings/thoughts is how, not only humans but flora & fauna, have been designed. All nature lovers would vouch for it. Good news is that we are humans and not Computers!

One has no control, but each one has the ability to manage his/her Thinking as well as Feelings. Hence shown on borderline of the Circle (See the image). Though unaware, we are practicing it already in real life carrying baggage of hurt much longer than necessary. 

Circle of Control (COC)

COC denotes things we can change/control to include the stated words—My Thinking; My Choices, My Behavior; My Attitude. Of them, common denominator is 'MY'.  In other words, all encompassing word, MYSELF, would suffice being the only changeable/controllable fact of life.  

Everything outside one's COC are NCs like:

·             Occurrence of situations

·             Others—Parents, Teachers, Friends, Boss, Spouse, Relatives, Sons, Daughters, BF/GF & so on

·             Spoken Words,  Deeds, Past, Time, DNA and so on.

Graphical  Representation: CIRCLE of CONTROL (COC)

CIRCLE OF CONTROL
                                                        
                                                                  Courtesy Ms Meera Handa

Own Time Work

QUESTION: IF WE HAVE NO CONTROL OUTSIDE OUR CIRCLE OF CONTROL AND OVER OCCURRENCE OF SITUATIONS, THEN WHAT DO WE HAVE CONTROL OVER?

                                                                                         To Be Contd……..