Preamble
Life is special and real to
the core. Whatever happens is never perchance as 'God does not play dice'. Logically life line follows the contours of
one's Choices and Consequences in conformity
with the Universal Law of Cause & Effect.
Also whatever happens is for
our own good—though a controversial maxim, it
has wide acceptance! Incidentally, 'Thumb Rules of Proactive Response'
emerged out of a situation too. Refer to Conclusion of previous post
Thumb Rules of Proactive Response
Thumb Rules of Proactive Response
1)
Imperative
First Step. Think proactive act proactive.
2)
To
convert knowledge to skill, practice proactive choices to experience the power
of proactivity.
3)
Proactive
people
b)
Make
positive-feelings-based choices
c)
Think
logically about short & long term consequences
d) Respect Circle of Control (CC)
e)
Carry
their own weather
f)
Adept
at using Power Tools of Proactivity
g) Their persona expands Circle of Influence
h)
Strengthens
Intra & Inter personal relationship
i)
Ability
to say NO
j)
Assertive
response
k)
Make
'Choose To' NOT 'Have To' response
l)
Say
'Will Do' NOT 'Try To Do'
4)
Reactive
people
a)
Dither in choosing right over wrong
b)
Make
negative-feelings-based choice
c)
Negative
feelings highjack logic—Amygdala highjack
d)
Ignore
negative consequences. Wishful thinkers
e)
Focus
is on non-changeables (NC).
f)
Feelings
are controlled by external factors
g)
Hand
over remote control of their life to others.
h)
Unable
to say NO
i)
Aggressive
response
j)
Say
'But' as excuse for not making proactive choice.
k)
Say
'Try To Do' instead of 'Will Do'.
l)
Make
'Have To' response
5)
Best
proactive adviser is SELF
6)
Self
check indicators of Proactive & Reactive Response
a)
Proactive—winners’
choice; positive & powerful feelings;
happy
b)
Reactive—losers’
choice; low self esteem; sad; self harm; psychosomatic disorders.
NB:
Proverb—Do Not Fight With A Pig. If You Do You Will Get Dirty And
The Pig Enjoys It!! Proactive people remember this proverb.
Credibility of Concepts
Like scientific theories,
concepts remain concepts until proved thru empirical studies to find universal
acceptance. Same principles are as much applicable to test the credibility of Power
Tools & Thumb Rules of Proactive
Response. Case studies
would be a reliable option to validate the two concepts.
Two Real Life Case Studies.
Saurav Joshi, 31, shared his almost
life-shattering experience with candour and sensitivity. Story of Vikram (name
changed), 22, victim of sexual abuse & domestic violence, is as
gripping. Noteworthy feature—Saurav, as
a regular at Doon Youth Centre (hereafter mentioned as Centre) for over 10 years, was adequately equipped to deal with
adversities. Ill-equipped Vikram, acquitted himself well to keep afloat amidst turbulent times.
SAURAV'S
STORY
 |
| POST OPERATIVE STAGE |
It is account of biggest challenge
in my life and evolution as a person inspired by close friends. Candid confession—God Writing is
Difficult (italics mine).
Life has been very generous
and eventful. Blessed with good health to pursue passions, I have lived life to
the fullest. Professional life in Armed Forces helped me to maintain wholesome
life style. Few awesome friends provided not only moments to cherish but inspiration
to introspect. More importantly, meaningful insight to seek purpose in life. Perhaps life has mysterious ways to help us
evolve forcefully discovering our
potential!
Incident
Obstacle course is part of
our regular routine. Yet while taking part, I had a rough fall sustaining
serious injuries—broken neck, two fractures, one dislocation and a ruptured
disc. To say it was not threatening
would be an understatement. Foremost
concern was to protect myself from further damage.
Almost inexpressible are the
feelings experienced at different stages
from the moment of fall. Coping with the heady mix of emotions-anxiety-survival
instinct-inner strength was challenging and empowering—I cracked jokes on way to hospital lying on
stretcher!
Pause. Suddenness of the accident was like sudden
breakdown of a fast moving vehicle. Until evacuation, with emotional upheavals
in check, I was conscious of the happenings around and hoping for the
best. News about surgery was a shocker
initially but I bounced back soon.
Self
Awareness. The process of self awareness, despite
doubts/confusion, helped me overcome fears and recognize inner strength while
focusing on the bigger picture of life.
Enhanced self esteem reinforced my resolve to face the consequences
bravely. This made me sure of
one thing—crisis won’t stop coming and I surely won’t stop living.
Imagination. Imagination is a double-edged 'tool' while
responding to any situations. Negativity would push one into the whirlpool of
endless suffering—Sad Cycle. One can think and respond differently by
breaking the Sad Cycle. Fortunately, I was equipped to do so and bounce back
whenever chips were down. Thinking about inspiring examples of those who fought
back thru adversities enabled me to steer away from self pity and blame
game.
Conscience.
From childhood I developed the ability to choose right over wrong. Hence,
conscience guided me perfectly to negotiate hurdles as well as misplaced
apprehensions. Side effect—strong Will Power aided decision making without
any regret.
Gratitude
We always have a choice in
life to be happy or sad. In hindsight, joyous
feelings (Happy Cycle) strengthened my resolve
to stay on track.
Spent memorable seven days in
Intensive Care Unit under the watchful eye of competent professionals. My
fantastic band of friends added special flavor
in that they kept me motivated and in good humor throughout—moments I will cherish forever. Unqualified support from parents
sensitized me to the healing power of unconditional love.
After a major operation I
was discharged with 'Collar' to recuperate. Satisfied with the progress, the
Collar has been removed. I am now
happily on the way to recovery. Amen
STORY
OF VIKRAM
I met 16 year old Vikram,
Class 10, when he walked in to the Centre one summer evening. Infectious smile and amiable manners enhanced
his 'tall-dark-handsome' looks. Frequency
of visits increased as he felt comfortable.
Unlike most teenagers, content of his conversation conveyed values. He
also had the ability to ask real life questions. To briefly recap our one to one
session one evening at his request:
'Today my Christian friend
in school said: 'Our belief system is better than yours? I am confused. Is it
true Sushant?' I asked him to work it out of his own perspective. Thereafter he
did not come back. Seems he is OK with his belief.
But for infrequent interactions he shared very little
of his personal life until recently when he called up for appointment. Having resolved to talk, he attended all the
sessions as scheduled—certainly a huge and transformational step forward at 22.
Restlessness and confusion revealed
the intensity of his emotional stress. Utmost concern was to please his widowed
Mom by completing Graduation. He also felt guilty of wasting her hard-earned
money. While explaining the reasons,
promptly confessed—crazy indulgence, including substance abuse and sex, in the company
of fun-loving and wayward friends.
How is it that a value-driven teenager at 16
succumbed to peer pressure in college? His openness and well-articulated
narrative, sensitized me to his stormy childhood. Fact that he could choose to
maintain good conduct until Class 12, was
remarkable. Yet the question remains,
why did he succumb? For plausible reasons, read on.
Domestic Violence
At 3, hiding underneath a
cot, he saw Dad beat up mom mercilessly and on several occasions thereafter. Tense
family environment instilled fear and insecurity. Found solace in Grandpa and Mom. But lack of
wholesome care took its toll in that he grew up with low self-worth and empty
love tank.
When Dad died, burden of
responsibility to take care of Mom and
Sister mounted pressure on him to find job. Tossing between guilt and self-accusation, delay in graduation rattled him more. Inevitable
outcome-- Sad Cycle & wrong choices.
Sexual Abuse
Parenting support was
inadequate to either protect or equip him against sexual abuse. Seemingly harmless
and effeminate domestic male servant of 40, messed around with him for
years. Abuse abruptly ended the day he asked Vikram to perform anal sex as
active partner. Amazing response from a 12 year old! Felt empowered sharing for the first time.
Soon thereafter, happily shared it with his sister too!!
College
Life Blues
With
low self esteem and empty love tank, he was ill-equipped to handle independence and peer pressure of college life. Lure
of 'fun-life' was too tempting to
resist. Soon he was sucked into the quicksand of dangerous liaison. As
confessed, he was fully aware of the harmful effects as also betrayal of trust
reposed in him by Mom. The mounting guilt was too much to bear.
Having walked out of the mess one day, he disclosed everything to Mom. Since
then transformed Vikram is on purposeful and powerful journey to make a
difference in the life of others! I wish him well.
Salient
Observations
As
stated earlier, Saurav, by virtue of his
regular visit to the Centre, was more equipped than Vikram to deal with life's
challenges. Yet accomplishment of both in bouncing back has been commendable.
Thus validating the aphorisms:
'Life is 10% of what happens and 90% of how one reacts/responds
to it (10:90 Principle). By nature we are Proactive but conditioned to
become Reactive. Secret of Happiness lies in Proactive Response'
As a
potential Facilitator 70/30 and convinced of
emotional support needed by youth, Vikram has resolved to be a peer educator. His journey has started following the stated Thumb
Rules of Proactiviy.
Happiness
Quotient (HQ)
Self
assessment of HQ can be done accurately by applying the time-tested equation of
life:
·
Happy Feelings= Good Behavior
·
Sad Feelings = Bad Behavior
·
Turning it around—Quality of Behavior
Indicates Quality of Feelings.
·
Secret of Happiness—PROACTIVITY
QED 
