LIFE SKILLS SERIAL 10 HAPPINESS PART VII PROACTIVITY 3 REAL LIFE EXAMPLES

Preamble

Life is special and real to the core. Whatever happens is never perchance as 'God does not play dice'.  Logically life line follows the contours of one's Choices and Consequences in conformity with the Universal Law of Cause & Effect. 

   

Also whatever happens is for our own good—though a controversial maxim, it has wide acceptance! Incidentally, 'Thumb Rules of Proactive Response' emerged out of a situation too. Refer to Conclusion of previous post 


Thumb Rules of Proactive Response

1)         Imperative First Step.  Think proactive act proactive.  

2)         To convert knowledge to skill, practice proactive choices to experience the power of proactivity.   

3)         Proactive people

a)         Principle-centered 

b)         Make positive-feelings-based choices

c)         Think logically about short & long term consequences

d)         Respect Circle of Control (CC)

e)         Carry their own weather

f)           Adept at using Power Tools of Proactivity

g)         Their  persona expands Circle of Influence

h)         Strengthens Intra & Inter personal relationship

i)           Ability to say  NO

j)           Assertive response

k)         Make 'Choose To' NOT 'Have To' response

l)           Say 'Will Do' NOT 'Try To Do'

4)         Reactive people

a)         Dither in choosing right over wrong 

b)         Make negative-feelings-based choice

c)         Negative feelings highjack logic—Amygdala highjack 

d)         Ignore negative consequences. Wishful thinkers

e)         Focus is on non-changeables (NC).

f)           Feelings are controlled by external factors

g)         Hand over remote control of their life to others.

h)         Unable to say NO

i)           Aggressive response

j)           Say 'But' as excuse for not making proactive choice.

k)         Say 'Try To Do' instead of 'Will Do'.

l)           Make 'Have To' response

5)         Best proactive adviser is SELF

6)         Self check indicators of Proactive & Reactive Response

a)         Proactive—winners’ choice;  positive & powerful feelings; happy

b)         Reactive—losers’ choice; low self esteem; sad; self harm; psychosomatic disorders. 

NB:   Proverb—Do Not Fight With A Pig. If You Do You Will Get Dirty And The Pig Enjoys It!! Proactive people remember this proverb.  

Credibility of Concepts

Like scientific theories, concepts remain concepts until proved thru empirical studies to find universal acceptance. Same principles are as much applicable to test the credibility of Power Tools & Thumb  Rules of Proactive Response.   Case studies  would be a reliable option to validate the two concepts. 

Two Real Life Case Studies. Saurav Joshi, 31,  shared his almost life-shattering experience with candour and sensitivity. Story of Vikram (name changed), 22, victim of sexual abuse & domestic violence, is as gripping.   Noteworthy feature—Saurav, as a regular at Doon Youth Centre (hereafter mentioned as Centre) for over 10 years, was adequately equipped to deal with adversities.  Ill-equipped Vikram, acquitted himself well to keep afloat amidst turbulent times.      

SAURAV'S STORY

POST OPERATIVE STAGE

It is account of biggest challenge in my life and evolution as a person inspired by close friends.  Candid confession—God Writing is Difficult (italics mine).  

Life has been very generous and eventful. Blessed with good health to pursue passions, I have lived life to the fullest. Professional life in Armed Forces helped me to maintain wholesome life style. Few awesome friends provided not only moments to cherish but inspiration to introspect. More importantly, meaningful insight to seek purpose in life.  Perhaps life has mysterious ways to help us evolve forcefully discovering  our potential!  

     

Incident 

Obstacle course is part of our regular routine. Yet while taking part, I had a rough fall sustaining serious injuries—broken neck, two fractures, one dislocation and a ruptured disc.  To say it was not threatening would be an understatement.  Foremost concern was to protect myself from further damage. 

 

Almost inexpressible are the feelings  experienced at different stages from the moment of fall. Coping with the heady mix of emotions-anxiety-survival instinct-inner strength was challenging and empowering—I  cracked jokes on way to hospital lying on stretcher!  

 

Pause.  Suddenness of the accident was like sudden breakdown of a fast moving vehicle. Until evacuation, with emotional upheavals in check, I was conscious of the happenings around and hoping for the best.  News about surgery was a shocker initially but I bounced back soon. 

  

Self Awareness. The process of self awareness, despite doubts/confusion, helped me overcome fears and recognize inner strength while focusing on the bigger picture of life.  Enhanced self esteem reinforced my resolve to face the consequences bravely.   This made me sure of one thing—crisis won’t stop coming and I surely won’t stop living. 

Imagination.  Imagination is a double-edged 'tool' while responding to any situations. Negativity would push one into the whirlpool of endless suffering—Sad Cycle.  One can think and respond differently by breaking the Sad Cycle. Fortunately, I was equipped to do so and bounce back whenever chips were down. Thinking about inspiring examples of those who fought back thru adversities enabled me to steer away from self pity and blame game. 

Conscience. From childhood I developed the ability to choose right over wrong. Hence, conscience guided me perfectly to negotiate hurdles as well as misplaced apprehensions. Side effect—strong Will Power aided decision making without any regret.  

Gratitude

We always have a choice in life to be happy or sad. In hindsight, joyous feelings (Happy Cycle) strengthened my resolve to stay on track. 

 

Spent memorable seven days in Intensive Care Unit under the watchful eye of competent professionals. My fantastic band of friends added special flavor  in that they kept me motivated and in good humor throughout—moments I will cherish forever. Unqualified support from parents sensitized me to the healing power of unconditional love.

After a major operation I was discharged with 'Collar' to recuperate. Satisfied with the progress, the Collar has been removed.  I am now happily on the way to recovery. Amen

STORY OF VIKRAM

I met 16 year old Vikram, Class 10, when he walked in to the Centre one summer evening.  Infectious smile and amiable manners enhanced his 'tall-dark-handsome' looks.   Frequency of visits increased as he felt comfortable.  Unlike most teenagers, content of his conversation conveyed values. He also had the ability to ask real life questions. To briefly recap our one to one session one evening at his request: 

'Today my Christian friend in school said: 'Our belief system is better than yours? I am confused. Is it true Sushant?' I asked him to work it out of his own perspective. Thereafter he did not come back. Seems he is OK with his belief.  

But for  infrequent interactions he shared very little of his personal life until recently when he called up for appointment.  Having resolved to talk, he attended all the sessions as scheduled—certainly a huge and  transformational step forward at 22.

Restlessness and confusion revealed the intensity of his emotional stress. Utmost concern was to please his widowed Mom by completing Graduation. He also felt guilty of wasting her hard-earned money.  While explaining the reasons, promptly confessed—crazy indulgence, including substance abuse and sex, in the company of fun-loving and wayward friends.

    

 How is it that a value-driven teenager at 16 succumbed to peer pressure in college? His openness and well-articulated narrative, sensitized me to his stormy childhood. Fact that he could choose to maintain good conduct until Class 12, was  remarkable.  Yet the question remains, why did he succumb? For plausible reasons, read on.

Domestic Violence

At 3, hiding underneath a cot, he saw Dad beat up mom mercilessly and on several occasions thereafter. Tense family environment instilled fear and insecurity. Found  solace in Grandpa and Mom. But lack of wholesome care took its toll in that he grew up with low self-worth and empty love tank.

When Dad died, burden of responsibility to take care of  Mom and Sister mounted pressure on him to find job. Tossing between guilt and self-accusation,   delay in graduation rattled him more. Inevitable outcome-- Sad Cycle & wrong choices. 

Sexual Abuse

Parenting support was inadequate to either protect or equip him against sexual abuse. Seemingly harmless and effeminate domestic male servant of 40, messed around with him for years. Abuse abruptly ended the day he asked Vikram to perform anal sex as active partner. Amazing response from a 12 year old!  Felt empowered sharing for the first time. Soon thereafter, happily shared it with his sister too!! 

 

College Life Blues

With low self esteem and empty love tank, he was ill-equipped to handle  independence and peer pressure of college life.   Lure of 'fun-life'  was too tempting to resist. Soon he was sucked into the quicksand of dangerous liaison. As confessed, he was fully aware of the harmful effects as also betrayal of trust reposed in him by Mom.   The mounting guilt was too much to bear. Having walked out of the mess one day, he disclosed everything to Mom. Since then transformed Vikram is on purposeful and powerful journey to make a difference in the life of others! I wish him well.  

Salient Observations

As stated earlier, Saurav,  by virtue of his regular visit to the Centre, was more equipped than Vikram to deal with life's challenges. Yet accomplishment of both in bouncing back has been commendable. Thus validating the aphorisms: 

'Life is 10% of what happens and 90% of how one reacts/responds to it (10:90 Principle).  By nature we are Proactive but conditioned to become Reactive. Secret of Happiness lies in Proactive Response'

As a potential Facilitator 70/30 and convinced of emotional support needed by youth, Vikram has resolved to be a peer educator.  His journey has started following the stated Thumb Rules of Proactiviy.

Happiness Quotient (HQ)

Self assessment of HQ can be done accurately by applying the time-tested equation of life:

·                Happy Feelings= Good Behavior

·                Sad Feelings    = Bad Behavior

·                Turning it around—Quality of Behavior Indicates Quality of Feelings.

·                Secret of Happiness—PROACTIVITY

                                                                                                                  QED