ADOLESCENT
SEXUAL HEALTH (ASH)
Preface
Objective. Empowerment and lifelong transformation of
youth imbued with Character and Competence to attain purpose of life. In attaining that objective conditioning
from childhood is a crucial phase.
What is Conditioning? It has nothing to do with
‘hair-conditioning’. It is all about the
process of upbringing from conception thru adolescence to adulthood of a child.
Fact is barring prodigies, no child is born a saint or devil! Factors affecting
quality of nurturing are Healthy
Sexuality & Empowerment.
Healthy Sexuality. To recap it is the totality of being a male or female Ethically, Emotionally, Mentally,
Relationally, Spiritually; Physically. Most
importantly, Healthy Sexuality does not mean Absence of Decease or Libido.
Empowerment of Youth.
Uniqueness of my learning since 15 years has
been experiential, listening to real life inputs from young and old. Until recently, I thought empowerment was
dependent on two ‘Cs’—Character (Self Discipline) and Competence (Proactive
Response). Importance of Awareness as the
third factor unfolded while interacting with middle aged parents and their 20
year old son. Latest input from a 22 year old reinforced it.
Self Discipline.
With clear understanding of ethics/virtues, develop the ability to choose Right
over Wrong while making choices in life.
Please read Healthy Sexuality Part III (Values/Principles).
Proactive Response. It is a choice of response based on values/happy
feelings and logical analysis of consequences. Opposite to that is Reactive or
Impulsive Response overwhelmed by sad feelings with harmful consequences. For comprehensive understanding please read
Habit 1 Be Proactive, ‘Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen
Covey’. Also read
Own Script. ‘Instead of living out of the scripts given
to me by my own parents or by society or by genetics or my environment, I will
be living out of the script I have written from my own-selected value system.’ Excerpt
from Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey.
Awareness.
Credit goes to the son for bringing his Dad and Mom on
two consecutive days for maiden interaction.
Father and Son.
Last week he came over with his Dad; soft spoken, tradition-centric,
sat-sang focused and humble. Discussion rolled from generalities to
specifics closer home. Initially he appeared
somewhat uncomfortable. Yet, breaking
traditional barriers, hesitantly interacted on ‘taboo’ topics. With Dad’s love
in full flow, he appeared pushing himself sensing the urgency to equip his son
travelling abroad for higher studies.
Conservative mind-set had affected transparency. Son had never asked a difficult question but recalled—‘at
age 4, I had asked Mom where do babies come from’? Her explanation was vague. Consequence: parents had surrendered
emotional space to friends with whom he shared personal feelings including emotional
turmoil dealing with infatuation in Class 12.
When asked whether the son was prepared against sexual abuse
Dad fumbled. Interjecting, the son asked with all seriousness—what is sexual
abuse? Dad froze with embarrassment when asked to explain. Nevertheless he
appeared enthused to continue discussing.
However, having spent two hours or so discussion concluded with a home
work—how would you respond in case your son asked: ‘what should I do if a
married woman wants to sleep with me’? He
was flabbergasted and helplessly stared at me! There being no option, he diffidently agreed
to do the home work. He has yet to come back!
Mother and Son.
Accompanied by Mom he came the following day with prior
appointment. Strikingly charming & full
time Mom was noticeably more upfront in sharing her thoughts. Delving on life she said without
inhibition—‘the biggest struggle of life revolved around ‘sex’ as we grow up
with sex-centric attitude influenced by the media and people.
As an accomplished musician with uncompromising values
her perspectives, emerging out of spiritualism, communicated compassion &
intense sensitivity. Her mega comment
on healthy development of a child—‘education of a child starts in womb from
conception. Hence union of couple should be culmination of wholesome
compatibility and NOT simply an accident of pleasure’!
The question ‘what should I do if a married woman wants to
sleep with me’ came up. Son was curious to know the answer. Prodded to
respond Mom appeared ill-equipped as she
blurted out in a lighter vein—‘go ahead if you want to experience’! Confused
and unconvinced he looked at me expectantly! I repeated my learning at NDA 1961; thanks to
our then Commandant. ‘Secrecy of illicit relationship is short lived. Once it
is out man would have only two options: to marry or not. If unwilling to marry with
all liabilities including children, please do not touch her’.
Son had no doubts and Mom felt relaxed.
Effect of Awareness.
At Doon Youth Centre (DYC) we challenge each other to think
differently. Purpose is to discover facts by validating perceptions. This allows
youth as well as adults to step out of their conditioned learning from
childhood. For instance I learnt to shut up and listen attentively to others. It
was a struggle to check the irresistible tendency to advise youth.
Feedback from 22 Year Old at Close to
Midnight 9 Feb 2015. Apologizing
for late hour, confessed his overwhelming urge to share memories. Fondly recalled
his life changing experiences during the
workshop conducted by DYC almost 5 years ago. Profusely expressed gratitude for igniting the
transformation into a principle-centered individual with
passion to make a difference in the life of others. He credited us repeatedly
for qualifying in XLRI. This further
reinforced the need for raising awareness through open discussions.
Uncontrolled Inputs.
Uncontrolled
Environmental Inputs. List is not exhaustive.
1)
Unethical life style of
adults/parents/neighbors.
2)
Poor parenting. Focus on marks &
discipline. Lack of mutual understanding & transparency.
3)
Absence of role models.
4)
Sexual abuse of both genders.
5)
Eve teasing, rape & sexual harassment
6)
When I was 8 one 14 year old neighbor described
erotically what happens on bridal night.
Exposure to oral sex at 5
7)
Lies/vague answers to questions: how was I
born; how does a child get inside the stomach?
8)
Children witness intimacy
9)
Children see/hear things. Mom was undressing 8/9 year old son. While unrolling
the trouser, he commented—isn’t it like a condom Mom?
10)
Soft porn/FTV.
11)
Print
and visual media.
12)
Games like ghar-ghar; doctor-doctor.
13)
Nude images. I saw them when 12 in early 1950.
14)
Bathing in nude in schools, colleges and
institutions. NDA tradition to bathe in nude was a cultural shock to me initially.
15)
Animals mating/delivery
16)
Homosexual/lesbian experiences
17)
Evasive answers and constant use of the
expression ‘gandibaat’.
18)
Witness to menstruation
19)
Restriction on interaction between boys and
girls without explaining reasons.
20)
Insensitive adult talk
21)
Conditional love
22)
Inadequate parenting skills
23)
Unending advice & punishment or fear to
control behaviour
24)
Gender Bias.
25)
Importance given to suhaag raat and honeymoon during marriages and visual media.
26)
Difficult Questions Parents/Teachers avoid or ignore or
discourage—what is condom; sperm; fuck; rape; sanitary napkins; name of private
parts; different toilets for boys/girls etc.
27)
Easy access to pornography.
Uncontrolled
Biological Factors.
a)
Effect of hormones.
b)
Impact of puberty.
c)
Nocturnal Emission.
d)
Menstruation.
e)
Masturbation.
f)
Effect of Emotions.
g)
Sexual urge
What should be the response
to empower children to progressively grow up to be individuals of substance? If
the 22 year old could transform through awareness, qualify on XLRI and
retain the passion to make a difference in life of others remaining ethical,
why not others?
To be contd
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