LIFE SKILLS SERIAL 7 HAPPINESS PART V PROACTIVITY

SKILL BUILDING—3

Serenity Prayer

…..' grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference'.

 

         

Background 

            My dissatisfied and disenchanted life ended at 60, when I walked up the steps to DYC on April 2000. Journey of rediscovery was exciting and  enriching. Peeling off 'masks' of conventional conditioning helped unburden the baggage of childhood abuse. See…I was able to do so, emulating openness of teenagers and sensing the 'Power of Proactive Response'—concept is centered around the word RESPONSIBILITY or to put it differently RESPONSE—ABILITY.

  

Response-Ability. 

         This hyphenated word, meaning 'Ability to Respond', I first heard from Ken McRae, while teaching the Skill, 'Proactivite Response'. His elaboration made a lot of sense—

We have no control over occurrence of situations.  But each one has the ability to respond (Verbal/Non-Verbal) to situations always and every time. In fact, we can do nothing other than respond! As to the quality of response, please  read on! 

I still cherish the session as it challenged me to learn more about this innate and transformational concept.  Initial learning was thru extensive reading of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. 

 Session on 'Feelings' by Anna & Rich was an eye-opener. It sensitized me to:

 a)              The crucial role of feelings in human  behavior and

b)              Significance of Proactive Response to break the Sad Cycle

c)              Life Skills Serial 5 & serial 6 are based on that session. To recap graphically:  

           16 years of interaction with people of all age groups helped fine-tune the concept. This post is based on real life  experiences, consciously steering away from academic or intellectual discourse.      
 
           Our uniqueness with no duplicate on planet earth, 'Ability to Respond' is individual-centric, factoring-in perception on   Fundamental Principles of Response.

Listening to choices of people, in dealing with situations, continues to  enrich me as to the nuances of Proactive Response. This brings to mind Karen's Story.  Proactive Thinking/Response empowered her to realize after years that she was not  a MASOCHIST.  Incredible learning experience  at ground zero!!      

Fundamental Principles of Response (FPOR)

1.              Choice of Response. 'Between Stimulus and Response there is a Space. In that Magic-Space (italics mine) is our power to choose our response'. Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl, 1946 and 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R Covey 1989'. Those, who gloss over the Magic-Space, are sucked into the quicksand of Sad Cycle bruised and battered until they break the Cycle! Practical application of it enabled Dr Frankl survive "years of unspeakable horror in Nazi death camps".

Trainee from Indian Military Academy (IMA), Dehradun  carried the burden of childhood sexual abuse until he dealt with it few days before Graduation Ceremony. He glossed over the Magic Space for nearly 12 years. To read more.. 

2.              Choices and Consequences.  Every choice (Good or Bad) has short and long term consequences (Positive or Negative) conforming to the Law of Cause & Effect. To read more... Making choice is like picking up a stick—One end is Choice and the other Consequences. Wishful thinking to wish away adverse consequences would only worsen matters!! We could draw lessons from our past experiences! Few real life  instances:

·            Many do not acquire health insurance despite ill-health warnings. Is it logical to wish away sickness?   

·            Most teenagers postpone studies till last moment and then feel confused and over-stressed

·            Palpable disharmony post most marriages, suggests wedlock out of wishful thinking
      
  Despite awareness, young lady glossed over to check sexual orientation and later endured trauma before divorcing the 'gay' husband within a year. To read more....

3.              Product of Choices

a)         Contrary to common perception & confusion, we are products of own choices NOT environment or genes or feelings. Hence endowed with mind to think freely, we are accountable for our choices too. To read more...

b)         Blaming others, learnt tendency embedded since childhood, may be convenient but counterproductive. In life as well as legally no one else can be made responsible or accountable for my choices! Period.  

4.              Power of Silence & Non-Verbal Communication (NVC).  Silence does not mean approval yet the message is clearly communicated, NVC being 93 percent. Proviso—the option should be out of Conscious Choice (I Choose to Keep Quiet) NOT Compulsion (I Have to Keep Quiet).  'Have-To' mode choices always cause intense emotional upheavals.

When Dad scolds for failing in exam—I have option to 'shout back' or 'keep quiet'. Both have consequences.  Either of the two option would be my choice. Hence it is always a 'Choose To' NOT 'Have To' Response. One would always be cool, when 'Choice To Respond' is based on logical thinking.       

5.              Quality of Thinking cum Thought Impulse. Choices flow out of one's thoughts/thought impulse, quality of which is dependent upon Healthy Sexuality. To Read more…  

a)       To recall the insightful question of a Class 7 student—'if thoughts control action/choices, how to know whether I am doing Right or Wrong Thinking'?

b)       Since then more emphasis has been on teaching Rights & Wrongs. To read Values/Principles access

6.              Response Equation: Proactive or Reactive. Following equations should facilitate better understanding:

·         Right or Principle-Centered Thoughts=Logical/Positive-Feelings Based Thinking= Happy Cycle*=Good Choices=Response of Winners known as PROACTIVE RESPONSE

·         Wrong or Unethical Thoughts=Illogical/Negative-Feelings Based Thinking=Sad Cycle*=Bad Choices= Response of Losers known as REACTIVE RESPONSE

                                                                                               

                                                                                                                            

7.              Consequences  

a)              Situation=Happy Cycle= Positive Choices= Positive Consequences=PROACTIVE Response—Possess Skill to Manage Negative Feelings; High Self Worth; Cheerful Disposition; Confident; Healthy Relationship; Winners in Life. High EQ. Empowered Individuals*. 

 The stated consequences are perceptible in life style of Proactive People:         
   

             Once Mom of a student walked up and shared something close to her heart. In her words:—

"Recently I was waiting outside the school gate to fetch my son. That day I was depressed due to certain incidents at home. I saw you walking by. You did not see me. Despite sultry weather and pressure of teaching naughty students, you appeared noticeably calm and composed. Impacted by your composure, I was inspired to introspect. Made choice to deal with my situation differently instead of feeling miserable. Thanks Sushant”.   

b)              Situation=Sad Cycle= Negative Choices= Negative Consequences= REACTIVE Response —Not Equipped to Manage Negative Feelings; Low Self Esteem; Hopelessness; Empty Love Tank; Self Harm; Addiction; Aggressive attitude; Promiscuous Life; Ailments & STD/HIV; Failure in Relationships; Mega Losers in Life. Low EQ. Disempowered Individuals*.  *See

As a victim of sexual abuse, my lustful thoughts were too forceful to resist penetrative sex at 9.  Fortunately I did not succeed, but lived with the guilt for decades until I was able to talk about it!!

8.              Circle of Influence   

'Quality of Bonding' depends upon the 'Quality of Friendliness' in inter and intra-personal relationship. 'Friendly Attitude', laced with ethics, empathy and compassion, creates comfort zone that spontaneously wins friends and influences people. Life style of proactive people exude that attitude in abundance  

 

Validation of FPOR 

Recalling own experiences would enable readers to validate relevance of the Eight FPOR. Disagreements with cogent comments are welcome.   

Situation—Response Model

The Question  

Preceding post concluded with the crucial question:

IF WE HAVE NO CONTROL OUTSIDE OUR CIRCLE OF CONTROL AND OVER OCCURRENCE OF SITUATIONS, THEN WHAT DO WE HAVE CONTROL OVER?

Answer. Response—Ability or Ability to Respond as stated earlier. It could be either REACTIVE or PROACTIVE. To re-emphasize, choice of response is the only option one can exercise on occurrence of situation.  

                         All 7 models courtesy Ms Meera Handa

Truism. Life is a journey of  Situations and Choice of Response. By-product  is either Happiness or Sadness

Why Should I be Proactive?

This is a legitimate question that each individual needs to process logically and draw conclusions based on own perspective. In doing so, activities charted on the 7 Models may aid find answers to the stated question.   

Remote Control of Life

Reactive people are controlled by Non-Changeables (NCs). It tantamounts to handing over the 'Remote Control' to others. 

After untimely death (NCs) of 18 year old son, Mom, arthritic patient, was in extreme grief for over three years. Her old husband and teenage daughter endured anguish witnessing her suffer and their own frustrations due to gross neglect.  Later while sharing memories with me, she was regretful of her negative-feelings driven behavior. (Losers' Choice)   

           

          Proactive people seldom part with their Remote Control of Life. Winners' Choice. 

After learning this concept, one rebellious but high calibre Prefect shared—'Just realized Remote of my Life is in the hands of my Girl Friend.  Her cribs & cries, even from outstation, have been distracting me a lot.  Such a stupid way to lead life. Thanks for the awareness Sushant!'   

Conclusion

        Pearls of Wisdom.  ‘It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters’ Epictetus, 55-135 AD, Greek Philosopher;  'Life is 10% of what happens and 90% of how one reacts/responds to it'. 

        Model of Proactivity is nothing more or less than the stated 'Pearls of Wisdom' handed down by predecessors.  Application of the concept, in context of real life scenarios, would be discussed in ensuing post(s).  

        Nature's Design. Human's are designed to be Proactive but perfectly conditioned from childhood to become Reactive. This too would be elaborated subsequently.

                                                                                           To Be Contd….