Meaning
‘An honorific title is a word or
expression with connotations conveying esteem or respect when used in
addressing or referring to a person’ Wikipedia. To illustrate some such words—your
Excellency, Hon’able, Mahamahim, Sir,
Madam, Shri, Shriman, Shrimati, Mahodai, Dada, Dadi, Nana, Nani, Uncle,
Auntie, Bhabi, Bhaiya and so on.
In Indian context suffixing ‘Ji’ to
name is also perceived as honorific. When used during interaction it is considered
‘respectful response’. Used freely in parliament and assemblies yet ‘Hon’ble
Members’ demonstrate gross disrespect by chaotic and violent behavior. Thus
muddying essence of both the honorific words—Ji & Hon’ble!
Respect/Lip Sevice. Moot point is whether use of such words
signifies respect straight from the heart or merely lip service out of
fear/culture/tradition?
Respect vis-à-vis Traditional
Practices
From childhood thru school and career,
I was accustomed to call anyone older Didi/Dada/Bhaiyya and Uncle/Auntie or Sir/Madam
while addressing elders/teachers. Within and outside the family use of such
words came to me naturally akin to parroting.
As against generic use of Uncle/Aunt
in English, relation-specific words like Tau, Chacha, Bua, Phufa, Samdhi I still
find confusing! Intriguingly, in
this struggle of confusion, I am not alone!
Confession: Looking back the gesture was perfunctory to
almost all including my biological siblings!
Touching Feet/’Pairi Pauna’. One more
traditional practice I struggled with for decades. Barring Mom & Dad I
never found it ‘cool’. Observing others and sensing their body language, it seemed
much too mechanical and ritualistic!
Ironically, almost none of the parents
of ‘survivors’ allow iota of disrespect towards abusers. Weighed down by societal
backlash and ‘family izzat’ such condemnable
and painful incidents are canned. Imagine,
victims having to address the abusers using honorific words like Dadaji, Mamaji,
Mausaji, Bhaiyya, Didi and to name the unthinkable ‘Daddy’! Wonder how many parents
would pause to recognize the life time emotional scars of own offspring! As for me listening to their woes has always been
extremely painful.
Is it justified to allow abusers to hide
behind the shredded Veil of Respect on the specious plea of Indian Culture? It does not make sense! Two
recent episodes of ever increasing sexual abuse by illustrious men may drive
home the point:
a)
20
Mar 15 Pune—58 year-old IAS officer arrested for allegedly raping and
molesting 10 year olds. This attitude could not have been acquired overnight!
b)
21
Mar 15 Delhi-- Delhi Court granted
anticipatory bail to over 74 year old Pachauri, Padma Vibhushan, Climate Change Expert with long tail of degrees in a sexual harassment case
c)
Wonder
how many of us would respectfully address them as ‘Sir’. Most certainly not me.
Army Life
Conditioning in army tradition and
protocol was too compelling to question compliance. Cascading effect was
intense. Developed extreme intolerance towards disrespectful conduct—‘In one
such perceived omission I made two middle-aged Gazetted Class II Officers walk
nearly 30 KMs on a Sunday’. On another occasion I used unrestrained abusive
language rebuking a young Captain. Retrospectively
those were not proud moments of my life! Will I ever get a chance to apologize?
Instances are not rare when use of
‘Sir’ interacting with incompetent seniors disturbed me. Insincerity of having
to use honorific words in such a perfunctory manner generated feeling of
mistrust and lack of confidence in the hierarchy. Side effect: back-chatting to
vent feelings; un-officer-like quality
for sure!
What is Respect?
In healthy relationship should respect
be one-way-street? If elders do not respect juniors, howsoever young, would
there be mutual respect and transparency? Unlikely. Possible outcomes—mistrust,
lies, self injury, empty love tank, emotional stress, violence, addiction, elopement
and so on.
How to get Genuine Respect?
a)
Is
it dependent on biological age; culture; tradition;
status—official/financial/social?
b)
Should it be demanded or earned?
Dependent Factors
Servile attitude towards authority is
widespread and so is media coverage promoting VVIP culture. Glamour of power and affluence influences
thinking of majority—to get respect, get power by any means! Is this respect
out of fear or genuine? Fear obviously!
During school days I respected few
teachers. In Army very few seniors inspired me. Yet I addressed all as
Sir/Madam. Closer home, not many relatives including siblings earned my
respect though I used honorific words.
Demanded or Earned?
Once adult son of an authoritative
Major General, Indian Army, asked—in army do you demand or earn respect? To lead men into battle leaders need to earn respect thru life style and personal
example. It transpired that his relationship with Dad had soured as he expected
implicit obedience. Brewing disagreement almost destroyed their relationship as
shared by both! Coercion never works for long!
Parent-Child Relationship
Children love & respect parents
unconditionally. So do parents as best well-wishers. However, lack of openness
erects barriers of mistrust. Most children talk to friends on personal issues.
Out of helplessness, parents reconcile disregarding the consequences. By design
or default, parents surrender their rightful place for friendship to the peers!
Friendliness in
Relationship
During a session on Boy-Girl relationship with Class 11, students were
asked—when are you most transparent, as ‘friends’ or ‘BF/GF’? Unanimous
response: ‘Friends’.
On another occasion distressed Mom
arrived with her perceived incorrigible ‘devil’; 14 year old son. Soon realized she needed to be a ‘good
friend’ to revive breakdown in their
relationship. Son was relieved!
If ‘friendliness’ be the benchmark to
be accomplished parents, they need to be Friend-cum-Dad/Mom unconditionally.
Logically the same hyphenated equation is relevant in any healthy relationship
be it with elders, peers and juniors!
One Widespread Myth
Friendliness is likely to promote
indiscipline. Fact is, ‘familiarity’ breeds contempt/indiscipline. Dividing line between
the two may be thin but distinct.
Once sensing the tendency to cross the
line by few big-built students of Class 9, our prompt assertive response yielded
immediate result. There was noticeable improvement in class discipline
thereafter. Years later they appreciated
our response.
At DYC I saw, everyone calling Ken
McRae, the Founder Member, Ken. He was over 50.
Though uneasy internally I spent days ‘wearing mask’ smilingly. Past
conditioning made me think whether teenagers be comfortable interacting on-first-name
basis with a 60 year old army man?
Incident that challenged my perception
was candid narrative of one teenager’s experience—‘I hate my cynical
grandfather as he is forever criticizing me.
Yet I have to call him Dadaji and touch his feet every morning’. That
was the turning point. In retrospect, the ‘shift in thinking’ has been
rewarding and enriching.
Reassuring Episode. One class 12 boy from traditional family had
been too conditioned to even think of calling me ‘Sushant’. On return from vacation, his telephone call
was a welcome surprise as his opening comment was Hi Sushant! His introspective conclusion solved the
mystery—‘during vacation I met number of relatives. While talking I used
honorific words as programmed but one thought that constantly nagged me was: my
respect for Sushant is more genuine whether I call him Sir or not'. His self-discovery was reassuring.
15 Years Hands-On
Experience
Interaction on First Name Basis (FNB)
progressively confirmed its magical influence to unmask; greatest advantage
being transparency. With ‘no screening
effect’ of culture, tradition, prejudices, age, taboos, beliefs and so on
comfort level expands exponentially.
Life Beyond Façade
Conditioned by well-intentioned but
ill-equipped parents/society, putting up barriers comes to us naturally. As for me, encouraging zero use of honorific
words enriched awareness of life beyond façade!
Intriguingly, that life is beautiful
and educative—a learning from my youngest friend on FNB: 10 year old girl who is 11 now!
Amazingly, she readily agreed to call me Sushant in the first meeting itself.
That was the icebreaker. Thereafter, our session of an hour sensitized me to
the power of thinking and perceptive ability of a 10 year old. Use of honorific words would have been
detrimental for sure!
Symptomology of Respect
Respect for Elders. Indicators that suggest
disrespect:
a)
Abdication
of responsibilities to look after parents
b)
Increasing
demand for old age homes
c)
Rising
population of uncared for widows at Varansi and Vrindavan.
d)
Using
parents as caretakers
e)
Abusive
language publicly disregarding presence of elders including women.
f)
In conflict of interests like wealth &
power self interests override everything else
Masks Hiding Disrespect. Internal disrespect is masked while using
honorific words when:-
a)
Survivors
or anyone else interact with abusers or insensitive elders.
b)
Students
meet incompetent teachers
c)
Juniors interrelate with seniors lacking in professional
and personal integrity
d)
Interacting
with arrogant executive be it Police, Bureaucrats or Political Class.
e)
Interacting
with unethical people.
Conclusion
Use of honorific words, intensely ingrained
from childhood for centuries, has transformed potentially divine individuals into servile beings. Accustomed to use such words, we cower
before any authority even for legitimate demands or justice!
No wonder public servants act like
lords NOT servants contrary to the spirit of democracy enshrined in the
Constitution.
Respect: My Understanding
Something that comes straight from the heart NOT lips only.
Something that comes straight from the heart NOT lips only.
