COUNSELING DIFFERENTLY PART II

NO ADVICE/GUIDANCE 

Reflections 

I am more  than convinced that many, particularly youth, possess  potential and passion to provide emotional support as trained Volunteers/Facilitators 70/30 with 70% Innate Qualities and 30% Skill.  This was evident listening to aspirations of those who sought help to deal with emotional struggles and benefitted after our sessions.

My objective is to equip as many aspirants as possible. In pursuit of that vision is this humble endeavor to reach out.  How to do so thru written script is my challenge.  Academic narrative would be too insipid to stimulate interest. Another option could be to relive those awesome moments attending 2 Days’ Workshop in Sep 2000 and real life counseling experiences thereafter. If that could motivate DYC Volunteers like me to learn and sustain interest to hone the skills, it is likely to be as relevant even today! 

Awareness: Paradigm Shift

Soon after the workshop started I discovered how little I knew about counseling. Paradigm shift from Unconscious Incompetence (UI) to Conscious Incompetence (CI) crystallized. This embarrassing realization made me too self-conscious to speak. Listening intently to learn was my convenient  choice. 

Redeeming feature was encouragement from the two excellent Facilitators (Anupam & Samir) from Samaritans—‘Until now you were not aware of your Incompetence. We may congratulate our-self for having taken the huge step forward from UI to CI. Now starts the most challenging journey from CI to Conscious Competence (CC)’.  

 Shift in paradigm was right on our face during Mock Counseling Session scheduled before lunch on Day One. Format was trainees in turn would help the Counselee, Class 10 student (Boy), who has called up Helpline. Counselee Anupam, portrayed the role perfectly.

Session Highlights:

Telephone rings

Counselor (Elderly Lady): Hello, this is DYC helpline, may I help you? 

Counselee:   Madam, how old are you?

Counselor:   65. 

Counselee:   I am only 15. Would you be able to understand my problem? Could I speak to someone younger?   

Counselor : Nervously said OK and hurriedly got up. Young  lady (Psychologist) Trainee took over. 

Observation—Volunteer counselor is expected to continue the session by using skills. Years later, I had to deal with a similar situation.   Boy of 23 asked me the same question in a mock session.  I asked him to narrate any experience wherein someone elderly was unable to help. He immediately started sharing his struggle.

Later he confessed—Sushant I wanted to be difficult but you really put me in a jam by asking that question.    

   

Session continues…

Counselee:   I am in class 10. I like one girl in my class. I want to speak to her but lack courage. Until I speak to her I won’t be comfortable. What should I do?

Counselor (Young Lady Psychologist):  Rehearse what you wish to say in front of mirror. That should help talking to her with confidence.  

Counselee:   Your suggestion sounds crazy. It would look funny talking to myself. It is still not clear how should I talk to her Madam.

PARADIGM?? 

Few trainees in turn made efforts to help but soon got stuck. Session was going nowhere though the counselee kept calling up for days. Anupam steered the session beautifully to make us all realize we were ill-equipped to provide emotional support. Those who walked up confidently had to retract wondering what to do. Loads of advice did not work with cogent counters from Anupam. Glaring incompetence enhanced my discomfort to remain in silent mode

After 25 minutes or so………   

Counselor (Young energetic male teacher): I have a suggestion that should work. You  simply wish to talk to her. For that you may ask for notes of her favourite subject to help your preparation. That would be a very safe thing to do.

After discussing and seeking assurances from counselor that it would work, counselee disconnected seemingly satisfied. Counselor too walked back in self-congratulatory mode. I was also impressed. Following day…..

Counselee:   Hello, are you the same person who suggested me to talk to her for notes?

   

Counselor:    Excitedly replied yes. How was your experience?

Counselee:   Angrily and remorsefully shared his difficult situations—‘Sir what kind of counselor are you? Her boy friend has beaten me up black and blue. I have six stitches on my face. My secret is now in public. Parents have also come to know.  You have put me into so much trouble and embarrassment. I am totally confused and depressed. Boards are near and I am extremely tense.  I do not know what to do and started crying….’

Taken aback, the Counselor started fumbling.  Shocked and embarrassed, he had a look of bewilderment!  Environment was too comical for us to resist laughter. Deafening guffaw drew a strong response from Samir, moderator—

‘What do you find so funny to laugh aloud like this. Do you realize the significance of what has happened? How we have messed up the life of a 15 year old. He approached for emotional support. Instead he finds himself in a situation of NO RETURN.  Surely as volunteers we need to be more sensitive. We will break for lunch now. Please think seriously about the consequences and lessons learnt!! Quietly we moved for lunch’.

Samir's powerful intervention had a sobering  effect!! Suddenly silence set in. All this strengthened my resolve to learn the skills. Later I complimented Samir for his professional input.        

Afternoon session was slotted for skill development on Non Directive Counseling (NDC). This session discouraged me no end as I found myself too tongue-tied to make meaningful contribution despite encouragement and affirmations from Anupam and Samir. Dynamics of it would be shared in next part. 

Lessons

Advice

No one likes advice including those who think they are good at it. By advising, the adviser inadvertently assumes responsibility for the consequences and invariably blamed.  The volunteer (Teacher) when blamed was at sea.

This guiding principle is as much applicable for parents as well as teachers while dealing with children/students.  

           Objective should be empowerment NOT control in that one needs to be self disciplined NOT disciplined. This would enable youth to make choices based on clear understanding of Rights and Wrongs. 

Compassion & Empathy

These two qualities would allow Facilitator 70/30 to listen and understand the internal environment of anyone seeking help. Devoid of the same would lead to insensitive response as it happened when we all laughed and Samir’s strong intervention!

                                                                                                   To Be Contd……. 

COUNSELING DIFFERENTLY PART I

CARL R ROGERS

FOUNDER NON DIRECTIVE COUNSELING 

Defining Moments of My Life: Brief Recap

April 2000 abruptly ended my post-retirement life without purpose when I climbed up the steps of Doon Youth Centre (DYC). Despite reservations about agenda of NGOs and one headed by Ken McRae, a Christian, integrity and intensity of his passion were too overwhelming.  To read his profile, access.

Genesis of DYC in 2000 stems from suicide by four teenagers belonging to upper middle class families in mofussil town Dehradun. Under stewardship of Ken, a committed band of class 11 & 12 students conceptualized the framework of DYC.  At the outset, volunteers like me needed to be trained in response to teenagers’ suggestion for free counseling facility.  

In Sep 2000 we were trained on Non-Directive Counseling by two accomplished professionals from Samaritan/Befrienders International Delhi.  Two days’ activity-centric program for 35 or so trainee volunteers was awesome. As for me I was almost dumbfounded progressively experiencing the shift in awareness from ‘Unconscious Incompetence to Conscious Incompetence’. 

We were sensitized to effectiveness of the skill thru real life experiential learning.

2^nd Day Pre-Lunch Episode

 Moderator asked for a Counselee Volunteer who struggled with anger to enact a mock session with Ken as Trainee Counselor.  One young lady in mid 20s confidently stepped forward. Session highlight:

Counselee:          I have  lot of anger

Ken:                      Listened intently maintaining eye contact.  Nodding empathetically enquired—‘Would you like to talk about it?’   

Counselee:         You see I am very angry with my father.

Having said that she paused;  we sensed her feelings welling-up.  Unable to resist she  burst out crying; bent down covering her face sobbing convulsively  right there in front of 35 of us, spell-bound and shaken. The moderator escorted her to the counseling room.   

It was real life demonstration of the power of Listening—the most effective tool in Non-Directive Counseling.   

We moved for lunch when she rejoined looking composed after  session with the moderator. Thus started my initiation into   learning the technique.

UNSHACKLED & EMPOWERED 

Despite motivation and commitment, difficulty in learning the skill was equally discouraging. Nevertheless, determined to learn I attended weekly practice sessions regularly. Invaluable support from Ken and team members yielded results slowly but steadily. Meanwhile, a major blunder caused immense embarrassment. To summarize:       

One afternoon, someone sought help on Helpline. Nervously, I picked up the receiver—

Sushant              ‘Hello, DYC helpline,  May I help you?’ 

Caller:                 A girl in tender voice—‘I am student of grade 8. There is a boy in my tuition class I like. But he ignores me, what should I do?’     

Spontaneous thought was to advise but paused with difficulty as we were repeatedly cautioned NEVER TO ADVISE. Incompetence to follow the Non-Directive model gnawed me. Felt perplexed  for enhancing her anxiety waiting. I was unable to think of any response other than advice—

Sushant:             ‘What do you think you should be doing at this age?’

Caller:                 Disappointed said—‘I know I should be studying’ and put down the receiver.

That faux pas still haunts me wondering the dreadful consequences of the fiasco. How did she deal with the disappointment when her  difficult  choice to seek help boomeranged?     

To satisfy readers’ curiosity  as to what would have been an appropriate response, one option could be—‘Appreciate your choice to share something so personal and special. Would you like to talk about him?’ This would have set in motion a dialogue to work out a  value-based  solution to her satisfaction.         

One year of regular practice sessions left me dissatisfied as to my competence to counsel.  It was due to unexpected yet well-timed direction from Ken to model demonstration of counseling to trainees that breeched the ‘Wall of Self-Doubt’. Since then I have been climbing the ladder to reach that  ‘Unattainable Step’ of Conscious Competence. I am still way down discovering the routes.  The journey is overwhelming as well as enriching. It is humbling too learning from transparent interaction with those who choose to share their unique story of life.    

The stated Defining Moments charted the road-map of my Transformed Life.  My aspiration, to share this unique technique Non-Directive Counseling, is to influence and equip Samaritans, not necessarily degree holders, to become facilitators like us volunteers at DYC! 

What is Non-Directive Counseling (NDC)

It was conceptualized by Carl R Rogers, 1902–1987, American Psychologist, on the principle that ‘sufficient means of solving a person’s problem are present within the person himself’.

Its effectiveness gained credibility with exponential growth  of Samaritan/Befrienders International, founded in 1953 by  Rev Chad Varah, UK.  He did so, disturbed by suicide of a distressed 13 year old,  as she had no awareness on menstruation and no one to talk to when it started.   Opening of  ‘Listening Service Centre’,  allowing  anyone needing help to seek emotional support, was in line with the underlying principle of NDC—Listening Skill’

Three questions that befuddle most people—1) Who knows you best? 2) Who is your best protector? 3) Who is your best adviser? Perceptions differ like Mom, Parents, Friends, Dog, Spouse and so on. Fact is SELF!  Each one is his or her best adviser. This substantiates the stated model of Carl Rogers.

Admittedly, directive counseling is more trendy, popular and money spinner. Without intending to be judgmental, I would personally advocate NDC as it promotes empowerment allowing one to work out options/solution according to each one’s perception. It preempts accusations as well as dependence and tendency of  those in emotional stress to drop emotional-anchor!      

Feedback from Trainee Psychologists. During in-house training of volunteers on NDC, participants studying psychology have often confessed—‘shocking yet welcome revelation that we know nothing about counseling’! In fact number of them sought counseling support from us DYC volunteers subsequently.

What is Counseling    

CHAD VARAH
Founder Samaritan 1953

An adage—‘Counseling is much too serious and valuable to be left to professionals’. 

Throughout life as Students, Teachers, Friends, Boy/Girl Friend, Spouse, Parents, Neighbors, Peers, Boss we face situations to counsel; in the normal parlance  Advise. Unsolicited advice/counseling is normally counterproductive.  May be acrimonious too! I too was known for unsolicited advice; once a good friend retorted—‘It’s very convenient to advise’!! Though unpalatable, I had to just swallow it!    

A well known psychologist, expert on parenting, gave lectures on ‘10 Commandments for Parents’. When he got married and became father, he changed the title to ‘10 Hints for Parents’. Another child arrived; he started speaking on ‘Some Suggestions for Parents’.  When the third child arrived, he stopped lecturing.

Next to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is psychological survival—to be understood, to be affirmed and appreciated. Counseling acts as balm to heal hurt feelings and initiates the process of transformed life thru Empowerment. 

Suggestion of a 14 year old boy to his possessive Mom on how to be friendly—‘Listen Mom listen instead of constantly comparing and  advising’.

Who is a Counselor?  

To quote Dr M Scott Peck, renowned psychotherapist—“A therapist’s ability bears very little relationship to any credentials he/she might have.  Love & courage & wisdom cannot be certified by academic degrees. A psychiatrist is not necessarily any better a therapist than a psychologist, a social worker or a minister— or even as good. Indeed two of the very greatest therapists I know have never even graduated from college”. His best seller ‘The Road Less Traveled’.   

Perspective of Dr Scott could be summarized thus—Persona of a Counselor/Facilitator should ideally be 70% Innate Qualities and 30% Skill. In other words, individual’s Frame of Reference to portray those innate qualities—Ethics, Compassion, Empathy, Unconditional Love, Courage, Wisdom, Humility, No Prejudice & Genuineness.  30 percent Skill implies ability to create enabling environment for one to feel comfortable sharing root cause(s) of emotional distress. This special brand is hereafter addressed as Facilitator 70/30  

Recalling my experience of 15 years on Non Directive Counseling (NDC) without professional degree, I perceive myself  NOT as Counselor but  Facilitator 70/30. 

Caution.  To grow out of conditioning and  prejudicial mind-set, a potential Facilitator 70/30  would be well-advised to seek help of an experienced guide to address own emotional baggage.  

Students’ Perception of a Counselor  

TOI 21^st Jan 2004. Excerpts:  

‘There are  things we want to discuss, but  hardly anyone to talk to; no one wants to be pointed out as the ‘problem child’ who needs  psychiatrist’, says a student of Delhi Public School, RK Puram.   Understanding teachers can be a boon, but are difficult to find. There are issues one can’t discuss openly with parents. If only Teachers could empathies,   we would have someone to discuss things with, says a student of Modern School”..                                                                                                                                                                                                .

Counselors are Stereotype. They sit in designated chambers to sort out problem kids sent to them; children ridicule peers visiting ‘shrinks’; are judgmental; not trustworthy; are advisors, neither listen nor understand students and so on. 

Students’ Expectation. Someone to listen to them without judging/advising; wish to work out emotional struggles from own perspective; feel comfortable with someone friendly NOT familiar who models inspiring life style and is trustworthy.

Hands-on Experience

Whatever is stated here is based on practical experience dealing with large cross-section of adolescents and adults including parents as well as teachers. Age 10 to 70.

Uniqueness of NDC lies in its focus on empowerment enabling a counselee to work out solutions from own perspective.  Conscious choice is made to offer no advice solicited or otherwise. Objective feedback from counselees continues to form the basis for refinement. Thus the content & quality of the process remain contextual and Counselee Specific.   

Special Features of NDC

Predominant indicator of behavior being Non-Verbal Communication (90 percent), Facilitator 70/30 should be perceived as such 24/7, pre-requisite for building rapport. To illustrate:

Once Mom of a student volunteered to share something close to her heart—

‘Recently I was waiting outside the school gate to fetch my son. That day I was depressed due to certain incidents at home. I saw you walking by looking calm and composed. You did not see me. Impacted by your composure, I was inspired to introspect. Made choice to deal with my situation differently instead of feeling miserable. Thanks Sushant”.       

Building Rapport, Exploring Feelings asking Open-Ended Questions and Listening are crucial aspects of NDC. These words would be explained subsequently.  

How to Council?

This needs real life simulation of theoretical and practical training. My endeavor shall be to help readers experience thru self awareness, the real life situations while reading narrative of true episodes. While doing so techniques used shall be expanded as well as possible.  Readers are welcome to seek clarifications  

 PS:  But for standard guidelines, quality of emotional support depends entirely upon the style and characteristics of the Facilitator 70/30. For instance, I encourage transparency by seeking clarification upfront including inconvenient issues like sexuality & cultural mind-sets.  Outcome has been rewarding so far.   

 

                                                                                                                          To Be Contd……….  

MUSINGS 6 THOUGHTS TO REMEMBER SERIAL 3

Attitude.  Attitude is like a flat tyre you cannot go anywhere without changing it

PYGMALION  EFFECT

If you tell a teacher that a child is bright, the teacher will be more supportive and shower all attention on the child. The child thus learns more and is better in school. It does not matter whether the child is actually bright. All that matters is the teacher’s confidence in the child. This unique human phenomenon is called Pygmalion Effect. It is a persistently held belief in another person such that the belief becomes a reality.

"When teachers expect students to do well and show intellectual growth, they do; when teachers do not have such expectations, performance and growth are not so encouraged and may in fact be discouraged in a variety of ways." "How we believe the world is and what we honestly think it can become have powerful effects on how things will turn out."

a)      "When people say you're dumb, you feel dumb, you act dumb" "But when you're on top and you're told you can do no wrong, you can't. You have the classroom in the palm of your hand, and you go" A student recounting his experiences in Jane Elliott's classroom.

b)     "Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't, you're right." – Henry Ford

c)      "Pessimism becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy; it reproduces itself by crippling our willingness to act." Howard Zinn

Parents and Teachers need to consciously encourage children to explore and evolve to their full potential. Any other form of parenting or teaching would be counterproductive.

USE OF THE SENSORY ORGANS

Although the five senses lead us to temptation and cause distraction, they are our window to the world.  It is with the senses that we understand the world. The danger lies in not making proper use of the senses. When the mind is not in control, our senses mislead us.

Taste.  When a worm is used as bait by a fisherman, the fish is attracted by the promise of a juicy worm as food. The fish ends up dying, tempted by its desire. 

Sight.    Here are insects that are attracted by the bright light of oil lamps, and they get close to the flame, only to have their wings singed.

Hearing.  A mythological animal is mentioned in literature, which is supposed to be attracted to music. So obsessed with music is this animal that if it stops hearing music, it dies.

Smell.   Bees are attracted by the fragrance of flowers and get close to the petals. In some cases, the flowers happen to be those that trap insects that get close and get trapped.

Taste.  One widespread perception on scientific learning—We must experience everything ourselves and believe only if they present us with proof.  Yet none would dare taste cyanide!! 

MIRACLE: POWER OF FAITH

A little girl went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jelly jar from its hiding place in the closet. She poured the change out on the floor and counted it carefully. Three times, even. The total had to be exactly perfect. No chance here for mistakes. Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and twisting on the cap, she slipped out the back door and made her way 6 blocks to Rexall's Drug Store with the big red Indian Chief sign above the door.

She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her some attention, but he was too busy at this moment. Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing noise; nothing. She cleared her throat with the most disgusting sound she could muster. No good. Finally she took a quarter from her jar and banged it on the glass counter. That did it!

'And what do you want?' the pharmacist asked in an annoyed tone of voice.. I'm talking to my brother from Chicago whom I haven't seen in ages,' he said without waiting for a reply to his question. 'Well, I want to talk to you about my brother,' Tess answered back in the same annoyed tone. 'He's really, really sick....and I want to buy a miracle.' 'I beg your pardon?' said the pharmacist. 'His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his head and my Daddy says only a miracle can save him now. So how much does a miracle cost?'

'We don't sell miracles here, little girl. I'm sorry but I can't help you,' the pharmacist said, softening a little. 'Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn't enough, I will get the rest. Just tell me how much it costs.'

The pharmacist's brother was a well-dressed man. He stooped down and asked the little girl, 'What kind of a miracle does your brother need?' ' I don't know,' Tess replied with her eyes welling up I just know he's really sick and Mommy says he needs an operation. But my Daddy can't pay for it, so I want to use my money.'

How much do you have?' asked the man from  Chicago   'One dollar and eleven cents,' Tess answered barely audible. 'And it's all the money I have, but I can get some more if I need to.'

'Well, what a coincidence,' smiled the man. 'A dollar and eleven cents---the exact price of a miracle for little brothers.' He took her money in one hand and with the other hand he grasped her mitten and said 'Take me to where you live. I want to see your brother and meet your parents. Let's see if I have the miracle you need.' 

That well-dressed man was Dr.  Carlton Armstrong, a surgeon, specializing in neuro-surgery. The operation was completed free of charge and it wasn't long until Andrew was home again and doing well. Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain of events that had led them to this place. 'That surgery,' her Mom whispered. 'was a real miracle. I wonder how much it would have cost?' Tess smiled. She knew exactly how much a miracle cost....one dollar and eleven cents...plus the faith of a little child.

          MIRACULOUS!!

In our lives, we never know how many miracles we will need. A miracle is not the suspension of natural law, but the operation of a higher law.

LESSON IN PARENTING

A teacher from Primary School asked students to write an essay about what they would like God to do for them. While marking the essays, she read one that made her very emotional. Her husband had just walked in saw her crying and asked—What happened? She answered - Read this. It's one of my students’ essays.

Oh God, tonight I ask you something very special: Make me into a television. I want to take its place. Live like the TV in my house. Have my own special place, And have my family around ME. To be taken seriously when I talk. I want to be the center of attention and be heard without interruptions or questions. I want to receive the same special care that the TV receives when it is not working. Have the company of my Dad when he arrives home from work, even when he is tired.

And I want my mom to want me when she is sad and upset, instead of ignoring me. And... I want my brothers to fight with me. I want to feel that family just leaves everything aside, every now and then, just to spend some time with me. And last but not least make it that I can make them all happy and entertain them. Lord I don't ask you for much. I just want to live like every TV’.  

At that moment the husband said:- 'My God, poor kid. What horrible parents!

She looked up at him and said—'That essay is our son's!!!