COUNSELING DIFFERENTLY PART I

CARL R ROGERS

FOUNDER NON DIRECTIVE COUNSELING 

Defining Moments of My Life: Brief Recap

April 2000 abruptly ended my post-retirement life without purpose when I climbed up the steps of Doon Youth Centre (DYC). Despite reservations about agenda of NGOs and one headed by Ken McRae, a Christian, integrity and intensity of his passion were too overwhelming.  To read his profile, access.

Genesis of DYC in 2000 stems from suicide by four teenagers belonging to upper middle class families in mofussil town Dehradun. Under stewardship of Ken, a committed band of class 11 & 12 students conceptualized the framework of DYC.  At the outset, volunteers like me needed to be trained in response to teenagers’ suggestion for free counseling facility.  

In Sep 2000 we were trained on Non-Directive Counseling by two accomplished professionals from Samaritan/Befrienders International Delhi.  Two days’ activity-centric program for 35 or so trainee volunteers was awesome. As for me I was almost dumbfounded progressively experiencing the shift in awareness from ‘Unconscious Incompetence to Conscious Incompetence’. 

We were sensitized to effectiveness of the skill thru real life experiential learning.

2^nd Day Pre-Lunch Episode

 Moderator asked for a Counselee Volunteer who struggled with anger to enact a mock session with Ken as Trainee Counselor.  One young lady in mid 20s confidently stepped forward. Session highlight:

Counselee:          I have  lot of anger

Ken:                      Listened intently maintaining eye contact.  Nodding empathetically enquired—‘Would you like to talk about it?’   

Counselee:         You see I am very angry with my father.

Having said that she paused;  we sensed her feelings welling-up.  Unable to resist she  burst out crying; bent down covering her face sobbing convulsively  right there in front of 35 of us, spell-bound and shaken. The moderator escorted her to the counseling room.   

It was real life demonstration of the power of Listening—the most effective tool in Non-Directive Counseling.   

We moved for lunch when she rejoined looking composed after  session with the moderator. Thus started my initiation into   learning the technique.

UNSHACKLED & EMPOWERED 

Despite motivation and commitment, difficulty in learning the skill was equally discouraging. Nevertheless, determined to learn I attended weekly practice sessions regularly. Invaluable support from Ken and team members yielded results slowly but steadily. Meanwhile, a major blunder caused immense embarrassment. To summarize:       

One afternoon, someone sought help on Helpline. Nervously, I picked up the receiver—

Sushant              ‘Hello, DYC helpline,  May I help you?’ 

Caller:                 A girl in tender voice—‘I am student of grade 8. There is a boy in my tuition class I like. But he ignores me, what should I do?’     

Spontaneous thought was to advise but paused with difficulty as we were repeatedly cautioned NEVER TO ADVISE. Incompetence to follow the Non-Directive model gnawed me. Felt perplexed  for enhancing her anxiety waiting. I was unable to think of any response other than advice—

Sushant:             ‘What do you think you should be doing at this age?’

Caller:                 Disappointed said—‘I know I should be studying’ and put down the receiver.

That faux pas still haunts me wondering the dreadful consequences of the fiasco. How did she deal with the disappointment when her  difficult  choice to seek help boomeranged?     

To satisfy readers’ curiosity  as to what would have been an appropriate response, one option could be—‘Appreciate your choice to share something so personal and special. Would you like to talk about him?’ This would have set in motion a dialogue to work out a  value-based  solution to her satisfaction.         

One year of regular practice sessions left me dissatisfied as to my competence to counsel.  It was due to unexpected yet well-timed direction from Ken to model demonstration of counseling to trainees that breeched the ‘Wall of Self-Doubt’. Since then I have been climbing the ladder to reach that  ‘Unattainable Step’ of Conscious Competence. I am still way down discovering the routes.  The journey is overwhelming as well as enriching. It is humbling too learning from transparent interaction with those who choose to share their unique story of life.    

The stated Defining Moments charted the road-map of my Transformed Life.  My aspiration, to share this unique technique Non-Directive Counseling, is to influence and equip Samaritans, not necessarily degree holders, to become facilitators like us volunteers at DYC! 

What is Non-Directive Counseling (NDC)

It was conceptualized by Carl R Rogers, 1902–1987, American Psychologist, on the principle that ‘sufficient means of solving a person’s problem are present within the person himself’.

Its effectiveness gained credibility with exponential growth  of Samaritan/Befrienders International, founded in 1953 by  Rev Chad Varah, UK.  He did so, disturbed by suicide of a distressed 13 year old,  as she had no awareness on menstruation and no one to talk to when it started.   Opening of  ‘Listening Service Centre’,  allowing  anyone needing help to seek emotional support, was in line with the underlying principle of NDC—Listening Skill’

Three questions that befuddle most people—1) Who knows you best? 2) Who is your best protector? 3) Who is your best adviser? Perceptions differ like Mom, Parents, Friends, Dog, Spouse and so on. Fact is SELF!  Each one is his or her best adviser. This substantiates the stated model of Carl Rogers.

Admittedly, directive counseling is more trendy, popular and money spinner. Without intending to be judgmental, I would personally advocate NDC as it promotes empowerment allowing one to work out options/solution according to each one’s perception. It preempts accusations as well as dependence and tendency of  those in emotional stress to drop emotional-anchor!      

Feedback from Trainee Psychologists. During in-house training of volunteers on NDC, participants studying psychology have often confessed—‘shocking yet welcome revelation that we know nothing about counseling’! In fact number of them sought counseling support from us DYC volunteers subsequently.

What is Counseling    

CHAD VARAH
Founder Samaritan 1953

An adage—‘Counseling is much too serious and valuable to be left to professionals’. 

Throughout life as Students, Teachers, Friends, Boy/Girl Friend, Spouse, Parents, Neighbors, Peers, Boss we face situations to counsel; in the normal parlance  Advise. Unsolicited advice/counseling is normally counterproductive.  May be acrimonious too! I too was known for unsolicited advice; once a good friend retorted—‘It’s very convenient to advise’!! Though unpalatable, I had to just swallow it!    

A well known psychologist, expert on parenting, gave lectures on ‘10 Commandments for Parents’. When he got married and became father, he changed the title to ‘10 Hints for Parents’. Another child arrived; he started speaking on ‘Some Suggestions for Parents’.  When the third child arrived, he stopped lecturing.

Next to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is psychological survival—to be understood, to be affirmed and appreciated. Counseling acts as balm to heal hurt feelings and initiates the process of transformed life thru Empowerment. 

Suggestion of a 14 year old boy to his possessive Mom on how to be friendly—‘Listen Mom listen instead of constantly comparing and  advising’.

Who is a Counselor?  

To quote Dr M Scott Peck, renowned psychotherapist—“A therapist’s ability bears very little relationship to any credentials he/she might have.  Love & courage & wisdom cannot be certified by academic degrees. A psychiatrist is not necessarily any better a therapist than a psychologist, a social worker or a minister— or even as good. Indeed two of the very greatest therapists I know have never even graduated from college”. His best seller ‘The Road Less Traveled’.   

Perspective of Dr Scott could be summarized thus—Persona of a Counselor/Facilitator should ideally be 70% Innate Qualities and 30% Skill. In other words, individual’s Frame of Reference to portray those innate qualities—Ethics, Compassion, Empathy, Unconditional Love, Courage, Wisdom, Humility, No Prejudice & Genuineness.  30 percent Skill implies ability to create enabling environment for one to feel comfortable sharing root cause(s) of emotional distress. This special brand is hereafter addressed as Facilitator 70/30  

Recalling my experience of 15 years on Non Directive Counseling (NDC) without professional degree, I perceive myself  NOT as Counselor but  Facilitator 70/30. 

Caution.  To grow out of conditioning and  prejudicial mind-set, a potential Facilitator 70/30  would be well-advised to seek help of an experienced guide to address own emotional baggage.  

Students’ Perception of a Counselor  

TOI 21^st Jan 2004. Excerpts:  

‘There are  things we want to discuss, but  hardly anyone to talk to; no one wants to be pointed out as the ‘problem child’ who needs  psychiatrist’, says a student of Delhi Public School, RK Puram.   Understanding teachers can be a boon, but are difficult to find. There are issues one can’t discuss openly with parents. If only Teachers could empathies,   we would have someone to discuss things with, says a student of Modern School”..                                                                                                                                                                                                .

Counselors are Stereotype. They sit in designated chambers to sort out problem kids sent to them; children ridicule peers visiting ‘shrinks’; are judgmental; not trustworthy; are advisors, neither listen nor understand students and so on. 

Students’ Expectation. Someone to listen to them without judging/advising; wish to work out emotional struggles from own perspective; feel comfortable with someone friendly NOT familiar who models inspiring life style and is trustworthy.

Hands-on Experience

Whatever is stated here is based on practical experience dealing with large cross-section of adolescents and adults including parents as well as teachers. Age 10 to 70.

Uniqueness of NDC lies in its focus on empowerment enabling a counselee to work out solutions from own perspective.  Conscious choice is made to offer no advice solicited or otherwise. Objective feedback from counselees continues to form the basis for refinement. Thus the content & quality of the process remain contextual and Counselee Specific.   

Special Features of NDC

Predominant indicator of behavior being Non-Verbal Communication (90 percent), Facilitator 70/30 should be perceived as such 24/7, pre-requisite for building rapport. To illustrate:

Once Mom of a student volunteered to share something close to her heart—

‘Recently I was waiting outside the school gate to fetch my son. That day I was depressed due to certain incidents at home. I saw you walking by looking calm and composed. You did not see me. Impacted by your composure, I was inspired to introspect. Made choice to deal with my situation differently instead of feeling miserable. Thanks Sushant”.       

Building Rapport, Exploring Feelings asking Open-Ended Questions and Listening are crucial aspects of NDC. These words would be explained subsequently.  

How to Council?

This needs real life simulation of theoretical and practical training. My endeavor shall be to help readers experience thru self awareness, the real life situations while reading narrative of true episodes. While doing so techniques used shall be expanded as well as possible.  Readers are welcome to seek clarifications  

 PS:  But for standard guidelines, quality of emotional support depends entirely upon the style and characteristics of the Facilitator 70/30. For instance, I encourage transparency by seeking clarification upfront including inconvenient issues like sexuality & cultural mind-sets.  Outcome has been rewarding so far.   

 

                                                                                                                          To Be Contd……….