COUNSELING DIFFERENTLY PART V BUILDING RAPPORT 2

Recap

           

Characteristics of Facilitator 70/30 

70% Innate Qualities and 30% Skill. Innate qualities—Ethics, Compassion, Empathy, Unconditional Love, Courage, Wisdom, Humility, No Prejudice & Genuineness.  30 percent Skill implies ability to create enabling environment for a counselee to feel comfortable sharing personal issues. Read....

Advice of Dr Scott to prospective counselees—"Usually on the basis of a single interview with a therapist, you will be able to pick up either good or bad vibes"—should be remembered by the Facilitators as well. Honing of innate qualities would create those 'good vibes'.  Vibes should emerge naturally without having to make conscious effort.

Dynamics of Interaction

Simply put, it is interplay of 10 percent Verbal and 90 percent Non-Verbal communication—broadly it includes body language, facial expression and tone/tenor of voice.

Effectiveness of verbal communication depends entirely upon choice of appropriate words (not semantics) and tone laced with empathy and the stated innate qualities.  This inference stems from what Preeti said (See previous Part IV)—"Still, I called him up and those 1-2 minutes of talking to him made me want to visit him".   Reproduced is our 1-2 minutes conversation that day:

Preeti:                I got your contact from Child-Line and want to talk about personal issues.  When can I come?

Sushant              When would you like to come? You seem to be a very courageous young lady. (Annotation—affirmation)

Preeti:                  No I am not brave. Will tomorrow 5 pm be OK.  Could I bring someone with me? 

Sushant              Without questioning her perception replied— OK. Tomorrow 5 pm would be fine? You are welcome to bring anyone with you.

Annotation:    

1)         Such sessions are too open to be structured. Key is Improvisation. Throughout the session, one needs to go by the eye and play by the ear.

2)         In choosing appropriate words one should be instinctive (gut feelings) in perceiving Non-verbal expressions of counselee. 

3)         My focus was to remain empathetically sensitive to her concerns. Evidently it was helpful. She arrived alone next day bang on time.   

Most Influencing Factor

            What matters most in rapport-building is NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION.  Innate traits of Facilitator 70/30, capture attention of those in emotional distress seeking help.  To illustrate:

'At a wedding reception, one very good friend introduced me to his fiancée. The meeting was too brief to even remember her face. Two days later he called up to say that his fiancée wanted appointment for counseling.  Sessions that followed were rewarding as she was amazingly transparent and powerful to  deal with her hurts since childhood'.

To my question many months later, what made her talk to me said—'sensing your calm composure, spontaneously felt comfortable to seek help!'  

            Learning From Feedbacks

I was under the scanner of Suman and Rita for a month and one year respectively observing my overall attitude and conduct at Doon Youth Centre (DYC). At no stage was I aware of their meticulous scrutiny. This reinforces the significance of non-verbal expressions. Preeti contacted me thru childline. Words/phrases used by them are significant guiding principles for building rapport—

           

Suman—

·                You had already gained my confidence,

·                Didn't start the conversation with my problems,

·                Asked me to discuss the positives I have,

·                Realizing I have the ability to say NO was the ice breaker,

·                Did not realize earlier how strong were my choices,

·                Calm body language also helped me to relax,

·                Maintaining distance was good choice, helped build trust. 

Rita—

·                'Unconditional regard,

·                Enhanced my self-worth,

·                Non-judgmental, 

·                Patient and active Listening,

·                Felt respected as female,

·                Open mindedness (seemed positive not cheap as many males are).

Preeti—

·                Decided to go alone because I wanted to throw out all the poison

·                15 minutes into our session and I felt at ease with him, more than I had ever felt with anybody

·                Greeted me warmly and asked me to choose where I wanted to sit

·                Called a VIP.

·                Gave me positive affirmations

·                Listened intently

·                I used the words - "he touched me here and there.  Ice breaking was when after taking permission, he asked me if my cousin had touched my vagina. 

·                After that, I went on to share things that I hadn't admitted even to myself.

·                Never for a moment I felt vulnerable sharing something so huge.

·                Downloaded emotional baggage within just two sessions!

·                Never looked back since then. ……has been a life-changer 

·                Not calling up for appointment.

Annotation

1)                  Underlined words denote the importance of enhancing comfort zone as those in emotional distress arrive loaded with negative feelings. 

2)                  They are almost blinded by turbulent feelings sitting within for, may be, decades.  

3)                  Effects: Hopelessness, extremely low self worth/esteem, insurmountable apprehensions and fears.    

           Experience with Radhika (name changed)

Initial 15 minutes or so of a session is crucial for the counselee to feel comfortable to talk freely.  Significance of rapport to do so was my learning that day.

One summer evening, charming young Radhika 24 walked in along with her Aunt, who was known to me. She had come from Rajasthan.  Appeared somewhat nervous admitting she needed counseling.  On entering the counseling room, she was given option to sit on straight-back or cushioned chair or दीवान (divan).  Her anxiety was evident as she chose to sit on foremost edge of the straight-back chair.

 

Hesitantly started talking in right-behavior mode.   Within short while she appeared relaxed and slid back on the chair looking comfortable.  Such is the power of 'rapport'.

Guiding Principles—Framework

Humans are too complex and unique in their thinking and behavior to be codified with guidelines. At best these are merely the dots of contours plotted during each session. Smoothness of it would depend upon the frame of reference of both, Facilitator and Counselee.

The journey from Conscious Incompetence to Conscious Competence in Non Directive Counseling (NDC) is indeed challenging and humbling.   

Salient Points

  

·                  A facilitator is always under the scanner of those seeking emotional support.   

·                  Every counselee needs to feel assured of implicit trust and uncompromising confidentially   

·                  Every Counselee arrives loaded with negativity. They are almost blinded by turbulent feelings sitting within for, may be, decades.  

·                  Effects: Hypersensitive, Hopelessness, Extremely Low Self Worth/Esteem, Insurmountable Apprehensions and Fears, Self Harm & Suicidal Tendencies/Thoughts.   

·                  Such sessions are too open to be structured. Key is improvisation. Throughout a session, be it one-on-one or on telephone or Skype, one needs to go by the eye and play by the ear.

·                  In choosing appropriate words one should be instinctive (rely on gut feelings) in perceiving Non-verbal expressions of counselee. 

·                  First 15 minutes of a session are crucial for a counselee to feel comfortable to share repressed feelings.

·                  When feelings start pouring out, it indicates initiation of the process of detoxification-cum-healing.

VIP Treatment

To recall Preeti's feedback—'Greeted me warmly and asked me to choose where I wanted to sit;  Called me a VIP'.  Purpose is to enhance self esteem by treating them with respect and dignity. Unconditional importance imbues feel-good factor. 

I recall two instances when choice to sit was noticeably different—1) Young man, though on heavier side, chose to kneel down next to me. In that posture he spent almost  an hour interacting comfortably. 2) Lady in early twenties sat on the carpet cross-legged. She too was overweight. Appeared somewhat uncomfortable, yet preferred to attend the session in that position.        

Counselee-Friendly Environment—Time Tested Recipe

Counselee be encouraged/allowed to set pace of the session. Comforting inputs—Cool composure, friendly, cheerful disposition, non-judgmental, non-prejudicial, unquestionable secular attitude, genuineness and most importantly NO ADVICE (not even implied).  

Focus on Positives. To recap the perception of Suman—"Didn't start the conversation with my problems, asked me to discuss the positives I have". At earliest opportune moment self evaluation of qualities is a helpful method to uplift self worth.

  

Sharing Feelings. Most significant aspect of NDC is allowing counselee to share negative feelings candidly. More on this in subsequent parts. 

Affirmations.  Must be genuine and identifiable so that the same are not perceived as flattery.   

Choice of Response. At soonest opportune moment permission of the Counselee be taken to ask questions howsoever inconvenient and his/her right to reply or decline.  Being upfront on 'Gandibaath' is helpful. To quote Preeti— "I used the words - he touched me here and there.  Ice breaking was when after taking permission, he asked me if my cousin had touched my vagina. After that, I went on to share things that I hadn't admitted even to myself. Never for a moment I felt vulnerable sharing something so huge".

 Confession

Having written all that I have on Rapport, am I satisfied? Honestly NO as nuances are too subtle and inexpressible. Purpose would be served if readers feel challenged to think differently and ask questions.  Shall be more than pleased to respond.

 

                                                                                                 To Be  Contd

LIFE THROUGH THE EYES OF MY HELPER PART III

Persona of Guddy

Ethical to the core. Exudes compassion and forever ready to help foregoing own comfort—no less a philanthropist in her own right! But for struggles with punctuality and ill-health, she is an adorable human being. Is amiable and remarkably relational aided by her striking aura of innocence. History of battered life and surviving in almost penury, only strengthened her resolve to desist  temptations. Laudable indeed as she never compromised honour even in extreme adversities. 

Convinced of trustworthiness within a short while of joining in March 2010, I assigned her complete charge of the house including access to purse. Never has she betrayed the trust. One more striking characteristic—she vehemently refuses to take money out of my purse on the 'superstitious plea'—साहबजी ऐसा करने से बरकत खत्म हो जाती है (by doing so His blessings of plenty may end).

 

Experience of over five years has been rewarding and, more importantly, educative listening to her ordeals. Seldom 'Brown Sahabs' like us get to hear raw narratives of unthinkable behavior and blatant violation of Human Rights within and outside the house.   

 

Abusive Past

            Training in non-directive counseling was helpful in drawing her out to share loads of emotional baggage. Progressively she became more and more transparent.  Her ability to demolish walls of conditioning and silence was commendable.  

To refresh memory, I asked her few days back to recall happy phase(s) of her life.  She thought for a while and said two—

Translated:

"पहली बार जब तीन बेटियो के बाद बेटा हूया। First, when my son was born after three daughters. 

दूसरा, जब से यंहा पे काम करने लगी। साहबजी, पैसा सब कुछ नहीं होता। यंहापे मुझे पहली बार इज्ज़त मिली और सुरक्शित महसूस हुआ।  Second since I started working here. Money is not everything. Here I  got respect and felt safe for the first time". 

This gracious input is no reason for me to gloat. In the perception of domestic helpers, I also belong to the 'well-off fraternity of unethical and exploitative 'कोठीवालाज़'!  Image of bachelors/single men is even worse. It is on the repeated assurance of my good friend and his wife that Guddy contacted me and we never looked back thereafter.  

  

Birth of Son

She was delighted and mortally relieved of the fear of divorce and abandonment if fourth child was daughter. This was constantly drummed in by In- Laws  headed by vicious Mother-in-Law ever since birth of daughters.  Her repeated threats of remarriage to beget grandson haunted her 24/7. When third daughter arrived she almost lost sanity; denied breast feed for days to eliminate her. 

At that point in time her suffering was at its worst—insatiable demands of lustful/alcoholic husband, his torrid affair with nymphomaniac ताई (Sister-in-Law), merciless torture for refusing sex, ill-treatment by In-Laws to name few. Birth of daughters consecutively added to her woes. With almost no support from husband or In-Laws, she was compelled to work and silently endured humiliation of कोठी-वालाज and ससुराल-वालाज (In-Laws) to nurture her children.  

Brimming with fear she preferred abortion rather than risk delivery of fourth daughter.  But for her trust in one elderly and revered lady Doctor in Doon Hospital, she would have gone ahead with her plans. This is the Doctor who had forecasted birth of son after three daughters and Guddy's joyful life post 40.    

With tears of joy glistening, she was emotionally charged reliving memories last month. Gratifyingly concluded—'that providential forecast of the Doctor was like dream come true'!

Major Instances of Harassment/Humiliation by कोठी-वालाज

Allegation of Theft. She was once falsely implicated for theft of gold ring. Her repeated plea of innocence did not help as the lady threatened to seek police help. Having led  life of honour and virtue against all odds, the accusation was too much to bear.  Rattled and shattered she contemplated suicide too. Loss of sleep and declining health worried everyone including her torturous सासुमा (mother-in-law).  On  retrieval  of the ring weeks later,  profuse apologies from the lady and her husband restored her honour alright but with loss of faith in  कोठी-वालाज.

Assault on Honour. Ironically, husband of the lady, who had leveled allegation of theft, attempted to molest her. Due to pressing urgency, she went there to request the lady for advance of cash by mortgaging ornament. The lecher bluffed her into walking in though wife was not at home. Her strong response to shame him if he did not unlock the door forced him to back off. Strangely, the wife was fully aware of his predilections yet compromised to co-exist! Perhaps, कोठी-वालाज have perfected the art of wearing masks! Yet we tend to brag about Indian Culture.

Sexual Harassment. Soon after joining work at my place, she walked in one afternoon looking nervous and shaken. Evidently, something unpleasant had happened at the house of a retired officer from ONGC and his cynical wife.  Tears flowing she sat down and blurted out—

Guddy                      साहबजी, हम गरिब जरूर हैं, लेकिन हमारी क्या इज्ज़त नहीं है?

Sushant                  क्या हुआ बताना चाहेंगे (would you like to share what happened)?

Guddy                      टेलीफ़ोन बज रहा था। जब में कमरे के अंदर जाने लगी, मुझे एहसास हुआ की बाबूजी दरबाजे के आड़ में उलंग खड़े हैं। डर के मारे घबरा कर वहाँ से भाग आई। कोठीवाले हमें क्या बाजारू समझते हैं? (Telephone was ringing. As I was about to walk in, I sensed that Babuji (employer) was standing naked next to the door. Shocked and nervous, I ran out. Do Kothiwalas think we are prostitutes? 

In retrospect, she realized his intentions were not honorable. On several occasions, he attempted body contact on some pretext. She had heard about his dalliance with a former maid. His wife seemed OK with it as she was too sick for years to meet his physical needs.  Retribution seems to have caught up—He is ailing since long after paralytic attack!  

 

 Her cynical ways were disrespectful.  She publicly stopped us women helpers (called us nawkrani/kaamwali) from certain chores during periods. It was extremely hurtful and embarrassing.

                   

Horrific Experiences

Post Hospitalization After Rape At 13. See

Disregarding Doctor's advice, sex maniac husband impregnated her engaging in violent sex regularly. Her childhood innocence and adolescence was jolted experiencing the trauma of motherhood at 14. Yet the monster in him was too over-powering to allow her minimum period of recuperation post delivery. 

With no one to intervene, relentless sexual assault continued. Reluctance or refusal invited more hideous aggression—slaps, kicks, punches, use of sticks and dabbing smoldering cigarette-buts on body. She still has ghastly burn marks. 

Harrowing experience in her words—

'दिन भर काम करने के बाद थकान मिटाने के लिए सोना चाहती थी। लेकिन हवस के आवेश मे सारी रात परेशान करते थे। (after working the whole day I needed sleep, but he kept me awake the whole night to satisfy his sexual fantasies)'. 

She became mother of four by early 20s. Frequency of pregnancy and abusive onslaughts including violence-filled sexual assaults for almost two decades,  ruined her health. 

My Learning 

Amidst more of agony than ecstasy how she steered life protecting her honour and that of the children is an inspiring saga. It reinforced my understanding beyond doubt the Power of Quality Thinking and Choices to choose Right over Wrong  on NON-NEGOTIABLE situations.  

     

    To be contd…..