COUNSELING DIFFERENTLY PART V BUILDING RAPPORT 2

Recap

           

Characteristics of Facilitator 70/30 

70% Innate Qualities and 30% Skill. Innate qualities—Ethics, Compassion, Empathy, Unconditional Love, Courage, Wisdom, Humility, No Prejudice & Genuineness.  30 percent Skill implies ability to create enabling environment for a counselee to feel comfortable sharing personal issues. Read....

Advice of Dr Scott to prospective counselees—"Usually on the basis of a single interview with a therapist, you will be able to pick up either good or bad vibes"—should be remembered by the Facilitators as well. Honing of innate qualities would create those 'good vibes'.  Vibes should emerge naturally without having to make conscious effort.

Dynamics of Interaction

Simply put, it is interplay of 10 percent Verbal and 90 percent Non-Verbal communication—broadly it includes body language, facial expression and tone/tenor of voice.

Effectiveness of verbal communication depends entirely upon choice of appropriate words (not semantics) and tone laced with empathy and the stated innate qualities.  This inference stems from what Preeti said (See previous Part IV)—"Still, I called him up and those 1-2 minutes of talking to him made me want to visit him".   Reproduced is our 1-2 minutes conversation that day:

Preeti:                I got your contact from Child-Line and want to talk about personal issues.  When can I come?

Sushant              When would you like to come? You seem to be a very courageous young lady. (Annotation—affirmation)

Preeti:                  No I am not brave. Will tomorrow 5 pm be OK.  Could I bring someone with me? 

Sushant              Without questioning her perception replied— OK. Tomorrow 5 pm would be fine? You are welcome to bring anyone with you.

Annotation:    

1)         Such sessions are too open to be structured. Key is Improvisation. Throughout the session, one needs to go by the eye and play by the ear.

2)         In choosing appropriate words one should be instinctive (gut feelings) in perceiving Non-verbal expressions of counselee. 

3)         My focus was to remain empathetically sensitive to her concerns. Evidently it was helpful. She arrived alone next day bang on time.   

Most Influencing Factor

            What matters most in rapport-building is NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION.  Innate traits of Facilitator 70/30, capture attention of those in emotional distress seeking help.  To illustrate:

'At a wedding reception, one very good friend introduced me to his fiancée. The meeting was too brief to even remember her face. Two days later he called up to say that his fiancée wanted appointment for counseling.  Sessions that followed were rewarding as she was amazingly transparent and powerful to  deal with her hurts since childhood'.

To my question many months later, what made her talk to me said—'sensing your calm composure, spontaneously felt comfortable to seek help!'  

            Learning From Feedbacks

I was under the scanner of Suman and Rita for a month and one year respectively observing my overall attitude and conduct at Doon Youth Centre (DYC). At no stage was I aware of their meticulous scrutiny. This reinforces the significance of non-verbal expressions. Preeti contacted me thru childline. Words/phrases used by them are significant guiding principles for building rapport—

           

Suman—

·                You had already gained my confidence,

·                Didn't start the conversation with my problems,

·                Asked me to discuss the positives I have,

·                Realizing I have the ability to say NO was the ice breaker,

·                Did not realize earlier how strong were my choices,

·                Calm body language also helped me to relax,

·                Maintaining distance was good choice, helped build trust. 

Rita—

·                'Unconditional regard,

·                Enhanced my self-worth,

·                Non-judgmental, 

·                Patient and active Listening,

·                Felt respected as female,

·                Open mindedness (seemed positive not cheap as many males are).

Preeti—

·                Decided to go alone because I wanted to throw out all the poison

·                15 minutes into our session and I felt at ease with him, more than I had ever felt with anybody

·                Greeted me warmly and asked me to choose where I wanted to sit

·                Called a VIP.

·                Gave me positive affirmations

·                Listened intently

·                I used the words - "he touched me here and there.  Ice breaking was when after taking permission, he asked me if my cousin had touched my vagina. 

·                After that, I went on to share things that I hadn't admitted even to myself.

·                Never for a moment I felt vulnerable sharing something so huge.

·                Downloaded emotional baggage within just two sessions!

·                Never looked back since then. ……has been a life-changer 

·                Not calling up for appointment.

Annotation

1)                  Underlined words denote the importance of enhancing comfort zone as those in emotional distress arrive loaded with negative feelings. 

2)                  They are almost blinded by turbulent feelings sitting within for, may be, decades.  

3)                  Effects: Hopelessness, extremely low self worth/esteem, insurmountable apprehensions and fears.    

           Experience with Radhika (name changed)

Initial 15 minutes or so of a session is crucial for the counselee to feel comfortable to talk freely.  Significance of rapport to do so was my learning that day.

One summer evening, charming young Radhika 24 walked in along with her Aunt, who was known to me. She had come from Rajasthan.  Appeared somewhat nervous admitting she needed counseling.  On entering the counseling room, she was given option to sit on straight-back or cushioned chair or दीवान (divan).  Her anxiety was evident as she chose to sit on foremost edge of the straight-back chair.

 

Hesitantly started talking in right-behavior mode.   Within short while she appeared relaxed and slid back on the chair looking comfortable.  Such is the power of 'rapport'.

Guiding Principles—Framework

Humans are too complex and unique in their thinking and behavior to be codified with guidelines. At best these are merely the dots of contours plotted during each session. Smoothness of it would depend upon the frame of reference of both, Facilitator and Counselee.

The journey from Conscious Incompetence to Conscious Competence in Non Directive Counseling (NDC) is indeed challenging and humbling.   

Salient Points

  

·                  A facilitator is always under the scanner of those seeking emotional support.   

·                  Every counselee needs to feel assured of implicit trust and uncompromising confidentially   

·                  Every Counselee arrives loaded with negativity. They are almost blinded by turbulent feelings sitting within for, may be, decades.  

·                  Effects: Hypersensitive, Hopelessness, Extremely Low Self Worth/Esteem, Insurmountable Apprehensions and Fears, Self Harm & Suicidal Tendencies/Thoughts.   

·                  Such sessions are too open to be structured. Key is improvisation. Throughout a session, be it one-on-one or on telephone or Skype, one needs to go by the eye and play by the ear.

·                  In choosing appropriate words one should be instinctive (rely on gut feelings) in perceiving Non-verbal expressions of counselee. 

·                  First 15 minutes of a session are crucial for a counselee to feel comfortable to share repressed feelings.

·                  When feelings start pouring out, it indicates initiation of the process of detoxification-cum-healing.

VIP Treatment

To recall Preeti's feedback—'Greeted me warmly and asked me to choose where I wanted to sit;  Called me a VIP'.  Purpose is to enhance self esteem by treating them with respect and dignity. Unconditional importance imbues feel-good factor. 

I recall two instances when choice to sit was noticeably different—1) Young man, though on heavier side, chose to kneel down next to me. In that posture he spent almost  an hour interacting comfortably. 2) Lady in early twenties sat on the carpet cross-legged. She too was overweight. Appeared somewhat uncomfortable, yet preferred to attend the session in that position.        

Counselee-Friendly Environment—Time Tested Recipe

Counselee be encouraged/allowed to set pace of the session. Comforting inputs—Cool composure, friendly, cheerful disposition, non-judgmental, non-prejudicial, unquestionable secular attitude, genuineness and most importantly NO ADVICE (not even implied).  

Focus on Positives. To recap the perception of Suman—"Didn't start the conversation with my problems, asked me to discuss the positives I have". At earliest opportune moment self evaluation of qualities is a helpful method to uplift self worth.

  

Sharing Feelings. Most significant aspect of NDC is allowing counselee to share negative feelings candidly. More on this in subsequent parts. 

Affirmations.  Must be genuine and identifiable so that the same are not perceived as flattery.   

Choice of Response. At soonest opportune moment permission of the Counselee be taken to ask questions howsoever inconvenient and his/her right to reply or decline.  Being upfront on 'Gandibaath' is helpful. To quote Preeti— "I used the words - he touched me here and there.  Ice breaking was when after taking permission, he asked me if my cousin had touched my vagina. After that, I went on to share things that I hadn't admitted even to myself. Never for a moment I felt vulnerable sharing something so huge".

 Confession

Having written all that I have on Rapport, am I satisfied? Honestly NO as nuances are too subtle and inexpressible. Purpose would be served if readers feel challenged to think differently and ask questions.  Shall be more than pleased to respond.

 

                                                                                                 To Be  Contd