COUNSELING DIFFERENTLY PART VII LISTENING 2

Opening Comment

Happy to share one forthright feedback from a 20 year old girl on 22 Jul 16; notably a 90 per center throughout.  She asked— 'Could the blog narratives be more gripping to sustain readers' interest without feeling sleepy?  Real life scenarios are interesting'.   Wish more readers could help with such candid inputs.

I write what I do but what matters is whether readers feel benefitted or challenged to think differently.   In deference to the suggestion, my utmost endeavor shall be to measure up to the expectations of young readers in particular!   Please keep offering comments/suggestions.

   

Prologue

 Synergized Listening is the all purpose key that helps unlock minds cluttered with negative emotions. See internal clutter/chatter. An Accomplished Facilitator 70/30 (AF) possesses that 'KEY' to help those in need to experience 'aha' moments!   The technique is akin to Synergized Music of a band/orchestra.

To experience soul-stirring effect of Synergized Music, here is a video clip of Sonu Nigam's enthralling performance at London. Synchronized orchestra, comprising foreigners, brought out the best in him under an accomplished leader, equipped to make optimum use of resources—artists & instruments.

 In Synergized Listening, an Accomplished Facilitator 70/30 (AF) too is equipped to make optimum use of Resources—Elements more appropriately Nuggets. How, read on…..

Resource—NUGGETS

Three Components of an AF comprise approx 70 Nuggets. Summarized below is overview of the same with different color codes—Nuggets of Persona in Red and Nuggets of Skills 30 % in Green which includes Nuggets of Life Skills in Blue.

Persona 70 Percent—8 Nuggets 

Few are listed below:

1)              Principle-Centered

2)              Healthy Sexuality

3)              Proactive Body Language—welcoming, non judgmental,   

These are innate characteristics that may be honed and fine-tuned but difficult to be learnt or implanted.     

Skills 30 Percent Nuggets—Approx 50

Few are listed below:

           

1)              Building rapport

2)              Route 350

3)              How to explore feelings?

4)              Verbal and non-verbal communication

5)              How to deal  with silence or crying

6)              Wood for the trees 

Nuggets of Life Skills—Approx 15

Few are listed below:

7)              Feelings Cycle

8)              Circle of Control

9)              Proactive Response

10)           Perception & Facts

11)           Purpose of Life

Note: Discovery and refinement of Nuggets, so far around 70, is a continuous process as NDC is a dynamic concept responding to the uniqueness of human behavior and     AF @! 

Mega input from my friend, AF in making, as recent as 27 Jul 16: 

14 year old boy  grew up (6 to 12)  witnessing extreme physical and sexual abuse of  his Mom by Dad until parents separated two years back.  He is into excessive pornography & masturbation. Porn content—carnal relationship between Mom-Son—has influenced him to think it is OK to touch undergarments and breasts of his Mom.  

Raw  face of unhealthy sexuality! Challenged me to revisit the list of nuggets for refinement.

 

Profile of Accomplished Facilitator (AF)

                                                                           Courtesy Ms Meera Handa

Portrays side view of the nuggets stored in memory cells. Most of the nuggets (small circles) have been included.  Same Color codes retained to identify the relevant Component—Persona or Skills including Life Skills.

To be an AF is demanding needing high degree of commitment to enhance skills thru self-learning. Sources: printed materials, workshops and above all, real life experiences.  As for me, it has been an incredible journey from Conscience Incompetence to Conscience Competence since 2000 and humbling too. My learning continues…….. 

Application of Knowledge is the ability to retrieve from memory cells, the needed nugget for use during a session. Such inputs help infuse confidence in a counselee to think and feel positive. For instance:

Genuine and timely affirmations touch the innermost core. As admitted by Preeti, use of the nugget VIP on day one of the session imbued feel good factor in her to talk. Link    

 @Uniqueness of an AF. The process of learning-storing-retrieval-application evolves with practice and experience.  It is an individual-specific skill dependent upon the frame of reference (principles or ideas that influence attitude) of both, Facilitator and Counselee.

Unlike my colleagues, I have been upfront in using 'taboo words of sexuality' with positive results.

Excerpt of Preeti's feedback—"As I was sharing about how a cousin had molested me, I used the words - "he touched me here and there." The final ice breaking was done when after taking my permission to be open; he asked me if my cousin had touched my vagina. It was bit of a surprise to me but it assured me that I could talk about everything openly with this man. After that, I went on to share things that I hadn't admitted even to myself. Never for a moment had I felt vulnerable sharing something so huge. In fact, coming out of his place, I felt a huge rock had been lifted off my chest. I felt extremely powerful".

Explanation of Nuggets

All the nuggets would be explained subsequently in convenient groups. For comprehensive understanding of each in context of real life scenarios, links have been embedded to facilitate access to earlier posts. Readers may please bear with the interruptions of having to read them.  

Target Group

As already stated, all posts on 'Counseling Differently' have been written aimed at equipping potential Facilitators 70/30. As for others, choosing to listen without advice/interruption would benefit them as well.  

It strengthens intra & inter personal relationship as parents, teachers and colleagues. In fact all, young and old. No sooner conscious choice is made to 'shut up' and listen, its impact is almost instantaneous. I could make that choice only after 60 for lack of awareness!!

             Example 1

Incident relates to Workshop at a reputed School on How to Be Student-Friendly Teachers.  On day one, they were sensitized to the importance of active listening. Next day, a middle-aged lady teacher walked up smiling and said —'Sushant, it works! Returned home yesterday after workshop, resolved to practice the skill. Unlike other days, I was more at ease and composed. Within few minutes my teenage daughter came up and asked—Mom, what happened? Are you alright? Felt elated sharing the reason. Thanks'. 
        
Example 2

Almost similar experience was narrated by a lady teacher on following day of the Workshop, conducted at another renowned school outstation. 

The couple came over with bounce in their stride to share—'unlike other days, my husband was not preachy last night when we returned home after the workshop. Incredibly surprised, our 10 year old daughter asked—Mom what has happened to Dad today?' Hubby was too emotionally charged to speak.  We complimented him for choosing to change so quickly.

Magical effect of listening in both instances may inspire us all to experience the power of Active Listening!     

How Good A Listener Am I?

 

This question should be in subconscious mind of a Facilitator 70/30 to self-monitor the progress from Conscious Incompetence to Conscious Competence. Acid tests are primarily two—1) When someone in emotional distress requests for help/session 2) Genuine feedback from counseling sessions or past interactions. Read feedback of Rita, Suman & Preeti.   

15 Jul 16. Feedback from Varun (name changed).  We had interacted for few hours 5 years ago.  He was then School Captain with enviable academic profile.

Excerpt—"I have always felt a certain sense of comfort while talking to you. I still remember how when you talk to someone, you look like you deeply care. Also, I guess I am someone who barely gets to share stuff with others. Sometimes with my girlfriend, yes, mostly in fact. But I have this tendency to act strong in front of everyone else. Talking with you is easy …... Sharing with you always makes me feel better".



                                                                                                                       To Be Contd

COUNSELING DIFFERENTLY PART VI LISTENING 1

Do You Remember the Name of?

Any Noble Prize Winner of 1995            

Any Oscar Winner of 2000

Miss Universe 2005

Someone Who Made a Difference In Your Life?

                                                               People Will Forget What You Did;

         People Will Forget What You Said;

         But People Will Never Forget

        How You Made Them Feel 

Prologue

Could someone have made an unforgettable impression without listening? Negative!!  Yet everyone seems to gloss over its significance. Neither did it crystallize until 60, when I attended the training on Non-Directive Counseling (NDC) and hands on experience at ground zero for 16 years. All examples are real life incidents.   

What is So Special About Listening?

Most certainly there is something special about 'It', because everyone loves to  be 'Heard'. But seldom 'Listens'. In fact, frequent and insensitive interjections sour relationships.  Pertinently, with two ears and one mouth, we are designed to listen more!! But …..?

To recap a meaningful dialogue between 14 year old Son and his Mother in my presence:

Having discovered the importance of friendly relationship, Mom was keen to know how to befriend  him. I asked the expert (son) for response. 'Listen Mom Listen instead of constantly comparing and advising' was his prompt reply.

NB: NO ADVICE IS THE MANTRA OF NDC

One noteworthy feature of 'social conversations'—two people taking turns to exercise their ego on I-Win-You-Lose mode, leaving both emotionally scarred at the end. Post-retirement, I experienced this in ample measure during my first 6 years of hyperactive social life:  

Coffee sessions and parties in the company of garrulous colleagues were regular.  Stepping on each other with invalidated perceptions and sarcasm was normal. As expected, few fragile friendships snapped.

Once during acrimonious dialogue, an ex Army officer,  age nearing 80, burst out—'I got heart attack because of you'.  

As for me, those dreary sessions were neither emotionally nor intellectually stimulating!!  Suffered unpleasantness in silence as I lacked the courage to confront and risk rejection/ridicule!

 In hindsight—No one had the patience to LISTEN with intent to understand; all listened with intent to reply. Sadly, that is the trend irrespective of age, caste, gender, status or geographical location!!

Gist of my learning over 16 years—Rapport Building and Listening Skills are the two most crucial factors of NDC.  Pertinently, major ingredient of rapport-building-process is Listening.

PURPOSE OF NON-DIRECTIVE LISTENING/COUNSELING

Listening Skill

Finer Aspects of Listening.  My initiation on 'Listening' at Doon Youth Centre(DYC) was embarrassing yet rewarding. At 60, I was tongue-tied when asked to share perspective on three commonly used words: Hearing—Listening—Active Listening. Semantics aside, quality of listening revolves around Empathetic Listening, the highest form of listening!   

Life Skills Classes.  For creating congenial classroom atmosphere, students needed to learn the importance of listening. For that we often played a popular game.  In pairs, they took turn to talk-listen-feedback within 2-3 minutes and finally rated their listening ability. They enjoyed learning thru fun the value of mutual respect and active listening. 

Soothing Effect on Nerves.  It has the potential to meet psychological needs that sets in motion the process of healing lifelong scars and hurt feelings. As the technique is individual-specific, it allows counselees to unwind at their own pace. Effect is almost electrifying as most counselees feel compelled to share even well-kept secrets.  Thus toxicity sitting within for years is released as they burst out crying like a baby, indicating initiation of the healing process.     

Example 1

Ms Gupta (name changed), nearing 50, having made the difficult choice to talk, arrived at the appointed time. As session started, I consciously followed the technique of listening. Expansion of comfort level, empowered her to demolish walls of confidentiality very soon. She burst into tears sharing unsaid pain and  hurt of decades. Felt embarrassed and surprised due to her  involuntary outburst. Feeling lighter, she left seemingly pleased.

Within 24 hours SMS arrived—'Thanks Sushant, you are a magician'!

Example 2—Dynamics of Empathetic Listening

Suzie (name changed), motivated and professionally committed, was an adorable young lady colleague at DYC. Saw her few times talking with others to seek emotional support.  One day she approached me.  Started with a candid confession—'Sushant you make a counselee feel much too comfortable to withhold secrets. Until this moment, I was not prepared to risk it'. As the session progressed, few times she said—'See I did not wish to disclose this!'  At the end she was happy to make the choice.

Unconscious (UI) to Conscious Incompetence (CI) 

As stated earlier, within few hours into Training Workshop, Sep 2000, I was self-conscious to realize the level of my Unconscious Incompetence (UI). Felt relieved when Trainers encouraged us thus—‘Until now you were not aware of your Incompetence. We may congratulate ourselves for having taken the huge step forward from UI to CI. Now starts the never achievable journey from Conscious Incompetence to Conscious Competence’.

It was a profound statement indeed. Since then I am on learning curve discovering validity of the statement and uniqueness of human behavior, which is beyond codification.

 SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA 
EXPRESSION OF SYNERGY

Synergized Listening

Facilitator 70/30 encompasses Persona 70 percent and Skills 30 percent to include  Foundational Life Skills.  To elaborate briefly the three Components:

·              Persona 70%—includes 8 elements like Ethical, Trustworthy, Empathy, Friendly and so on

·              Skills 30%—includes 41 elements like Rapport, Route 350, Exploring Feelings, Internal Frame of Reference, Difference between Empathy and Sympathy, Open-Ended Questions and so on

·              Foundational Life Skills—includes 13 elements like Feelings Cycle, Circle of Control, Proactivity, Purpose of Life and so on.

What is Synergized Listening? It is harmonious blend of 62 Elements  forming part of the stated three Components—Persona 70%, Skills 30% to include Foundational Life Skills. 

Accomplished Facilitator 70/30  

Someone equipped with synergized listening after undergoing realistic training content of which is ten percent theory and ninety percent practical—regular practice thru role plays. Acid test starts conducting one-on-one sessions! 

I took nearly a year to occupy the hot seat of a Facilitator and still feel challenged and humbled whenever anyone  approaches me for help.      

Concluding Comment

          Quality of  an orchestra depends on the quality of synchronized performance of elements (all instruments). It demonstrates the spell-binding effect of synergized music.  Similar is the effect of Synergized Listening by an accomplished Facilitator 70/30. More on this later. 

        To Be Contd