COUNSELING DIFFERENTLY PART VI LISTENING 1

Do You Remember the Name of?

Any Noble Prize Winner of 1995            

Any Oscar Winner of 2000

Miss Universe 2005

Someone Who Made a Difference In Your Life?

                                                               People Will Forget What You Did;

         People Will Forget What You Said;

         But People Will Never Forget

        How You Made Them Feel 

Prologue

Could someone have made an unforgettable impression without listening? Negative!!  Yet everyone seems to gloss over its significance. Neither did it crystallize until 60, when I attended the training on Non-Directive Counseling (NDC) and hands on experience at ground zero for 16 years. All examples are real life incidents.   

What is So Special About Listening?

Most certainly there is something special about 'It', because everyone loves to  be 'Heard'. But seldom 'Listens'. In fact, frequent and insensitive interjections sour relationships.  Pertinently, with two ears and one mouth, we are designed to listen more!! But …..?

To recap a meaningful dialogue between 14 year old Son and his Mother in my presence:

Having discovered the importance of friendly relationship, Mom was keen to know how to befriend  him. I asked the expert (son) for response. 'Listen Mom Listen instead of constantly comparing and advising' was his prompt reply.

NB: NO ADVICE IS THE MANTRA OF NDC

One noteworthy feature of 'social conversations'—two people taking turns to exercise their ego on I-Win-You-Lose mode, leaving both emotionally scarred at the end. Post-retirement, I experienced this in ample measure during my first 6 years of hyperactive social life:  

Coffee sessions and parties in the company of garrulous colleagues were regular.  Stepping on each other with invalidated perceptions and sarcasm was normal. As expected, few fragile friendships snapped.

Once during acrimonious dialogue, an ex Army officer,  age nearing 80, burst out—'I got heart attack because of you'.  

As for me, those dreary sessions were neither emotionally nor intellectually stimulating!!  Suffered unpleasantness in silence as I lacked the courage to confront and risk rejection/ridicule!

 In hindsight—No one had the patience to LISTEN with intent to understand; all listened with intent to reply. Sadly, that is the trend irrespective of age, caste, gender, status or geographical location!!

Gist of my learning over 16 years—Rapport Building and Listening Skills are the two most crucial factors of NDC.  Pertinently, major ingredient of rapport-building-process is Listening.

PURPOSE OF NON-DIRECTIVE LISTENING/COUNSELING

Listening Skill

Finer Aspects of Listening.  My initiation on 'Listening' at Doon Youth Centre(DYC) was embarrassing yet rewarding. At 60, I was tongue-tied when asked to share perspective on three commonly used words: Hearing—Listening—Active Listening. Semantics aside, quality of listening revolves around Empathetic Listening, the highest form of listening!   

Life Skills Classes.  For creating congenial classroom atmosphere, students needed to learn the importance of listening. For that we often played a popular game.  In pairs, they took turn to talk-listen-feedback within 2-3 minutes and finally rated their listening ability. They enjoyed learning thru fun the value of mutual respect and active listening. 

Soothing Effect on Nerves.  It has the potential to meet psychological needs that sets in motion the process of healing lifelong scars and hurt feelings. As the technique is individual-specific, it allows counselees to unwind at their own pace. Effect is almost electrifying as most counselees feel compelled to share even well-kept secrets.  Thus toxicity sitting within for years is released as they burst out crying like a baby, indicating initiation of the healing process.     

Example 1

Ms Gupta (name changed), nearing 50, having made the difficult choice to talk, arrived at the appointed time. As session started, I consciously followed the technique of listening. Expansion of comfort level, empowered her to demolish walls of confidentiality very soon. She burst into tears sharing unsaid pain and  hurt of decades. Felt embarrassed and surprised due to her  involuntary outburst. Feeling lighter, she left seemingly pleased.

Within 24 hours SMS arrived—'Thanks Sushant, you are a magician'!

Example 2—Dynamics of Empathetic Listening

Suzie (name changed), motivated and professionally committed, was an adorable young lady colleague at DYC. Saw her few times talking with others to seek emotional support.  One day she approached me.  Started with a candid confession—'Sushant you make a counselee feel much too comfortable to withhold secrets. Until this moment, I was not prepared to risk it'. As the session progressed, few times she said—'See I did not wish to disclose this!'  At the end she was happy to make the choice.

Unconscious (UI) to Conscious Incompetence (CI) 

As stated earlier, within few hours into Training Workshop, Sep 2000, I was self-conscious to realize the level of my Unconscious Incompetence (UI). Felt relieved when Trainers encouraged us thus—‘Until now you were not aware of your Incompetence. We may congratulate ourselves for having taken the huge step forward from UI to CI. Now starts the never achievable journey from Conscious Incompetence to Conscious Competence’.

It was a profound statement indeed. Since then I am on learning curve discovering validity of the statement and uniqueness of human behavior, which is beyond codification.

 SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA 
EXPRESSION OF SYNERGY

Synergized Listening

Facilitator 70/30 encompasses Persona 70 percent and Skills 30 percent to include  Foundational Life Skills.  To elaborate briefly the three Components:

·              Persona 70%—includes 8 elements like Ethical, Trustworthy, Empathy, Friendly and so on

·              Skills 30%—includes 41 elements like Rapport, Route 350, Exploring Feelings, Internal Frame of Reference, Difference between Empathy and Sympathy, Open-Ended Questions and so on

·              Foundational Life Skills—includes 13 elements like Feelings Cycle, Circle of Control, Proactivity, Purpose of Life and so on.

What is Synergized Listening? It is harmonious blend of 62 Elements  forming part of the stated three Components—Persona 70%, Skills 30% to include Foundational Life Skills. 

Accomplished Facilitator 70/30  

Someone equipped with synergized listening after undergoing realistic training content of which is ten percent theory and ninety percent practical—regular practice thru role plays. Acid test starts conducting one-on-one sessions! 

I took nearly a year to occupy the hot seat of a Facilitator and still feel challenged and humbled whenever anyone  approaches me for help.      

Concluding Comment

          Quality of  an orchestra depends on the quality of synchronized performance of elements (all instruments). It demonstrates the spell-binding effect of synergized music.  Similar is the effect of Synergized Listening by an accomplished Facilitator 70/30. More on this later. 

        To Be Contd