COUNSELING DIFFERENTLY PART VIII LISTENING 3

EXPLANATION OF NUGGETS 1

 

Prologue

How Good A Listener Am I?

Mindful of this  question alone would enable Accomplished Facilitators (AF) to self-monitor and hone their Listening Skill progressively. Of utmost importance is AFs remaining hyper-sensitive to the subtle expectations seldom articulated so clearly by a counselee:- 

        You are listening to me when……….

You come quietly into my private world and let me be me;

You try to understand me even if I’m not making much sense;

You grasp my point even when it’s against your own convictions;

You realize that the hour I took from you, has left you a bit tired and drained;

You allow me the dignity of making my own decisions even though you think they might be wrong;

You do not take my problem from me, but allow me to deal with it in my own way;

You do not offer religious solace before I am ready for it;

You give me enough room to discover for myself what is really going on;

You accept my gratitude by telling me how good it makes you feel to know that you have been helpful;

You are not listening to me when……….

You do not care about me;

You say you understand before;

You know me well enough;

You have an answer for my problem before I’ve finished telling you what my problem is;

You cut me off before I’ve finished speaking;

You finish my sentence for me;

You find me boring and don’t tell me;

You feel critical of my vocabulary, grammar or accent;

You are dying to tell me something;

You tell me about your experience, making mine unimportant;

You are communicating to someone else in the room;

You refuse my thanks by telling me you haven’t really done anything.

Listening to the narrative with eyes shut during the training in September 2000 was overwhelming.  Recalling that stirring experience still gives me goosebumps!

Brief Recap of Few Expressions

Non-Directive Counseling (NDC) :Annotations

*Empowerment. NDC is a powerful tool that allows those in emotional distress to bounce back and feel empowered to take charge of his/her life. Empowered herein means—ability to make value-based choices based on clear understanding of Rights & Wrongs. To reiterate the metaphor—'Instead of giving a fish, teach how to catch a fish'!  

It is a dynamic concept that helps Accomplished Facilitators (AF) evolve individually based on Experiential Learning. Primary source is one-on-one Sessions followed by inputs from Seminars and others. As emphasized earlier, it is an individual-specific skill dependent upon the frame of reference (principles or ideas or experiences that influence attitude) of both, Facilitator and Counselee

Multi-source inputs help refining the Nuggets stored in memory profile of AF. To illustrate Experiential Learning:

Recent input from my niece, Principal of a Public School, Kolkata highlighted the importance of Dad's role:  

Anger-filled student (Bunty), Class 2, has spread terror amongst classmates. Extremely vicious in beating up students regularly disregarding advice and warnings. Her narrative:

'Yesterday I was at the gate as students were arriving. It was raining heavily. Yet Bunty stood there  fully drenched. I saw him staring enviously at a girl whose Dad  hugged & kissed her cheeks before leaving.

Sensing  upsurge of anger, I cautioned the class teacher.  Soon complaint arrived—He has beaten up the girl badly causing serious injury to her cheeks.

My interactions with mother revealed she was seeking separation. Apprehending harm, she did  not allow Bunty to meet Dad. As advised, she agreed to allow Bunty to spend the Sunday with his father.

Following Monday Bunty was at his best behavior and looked happy, calm and composed'.

 

This episode, I have added to memory profile, for use while counseling parents. To read how Dad's bluff caused anger in 8 year old son, please access

Synergized Listening

Harmonious blend of nuggets forming part of three Components—Persona, Skills including Life Skills. Overview of the components with color codes:

·             Persona 70 Percent.  Like Principle-Centered; Proactive Body Language; Healthy Sexuality ….

·              Skills 30 Percent Nuggets. For instance, Building Rapport; Route 350; How to explore feelings; Reflecting/Mirroring; How to deal  with Silence or Crying…. 

·             Life Skills Nuggets, Part of Skills 30%. For example, Feelings Cycle; Circle of Control; Proactive Response; Perception & Facts; Purpose of Life……

Potential Facilitator 70/30 (PF)  

·            70% Innate Qualities— Ethics, Compassion, Empathy, Unconditional Love, Courage, Wisdom, Humility, No Prejudice & Genuineness.

·            30% Skills. Commitment to learn NDC Skills.     

Accomplished Facilitator(AF)

A PF equipped with Synergized Listening thru well-structured Training Schedule.  Real life learning starts with one-on-one sessions! It took me almost a year to occupy the hot seat of an AF and still feel challenged and humbled whenever anyone approaches for help

Nuggets

"Something that a person has said or written that is very true or very wise". In context of Synergized Listening, anything of relevance or value learnt/experienced by an AF. These nuggets are stored in memory profile for application during counseling sessions in future. For instance, on 31 Jul 16, I read an illuminating article on 'Crying'—ThirdEye Cry.

Excerpts—

"…….It’s when we can’t express ourselves, our emotions, in any other way. Babies cry because they haven’t learned how to speak words that we’ve come to understand. …….it’s a powerful expression that’s so natural to us…….. But society shames it…….But that’s no fault to the tears. White, black, brown, yellow, blue tears is irrelevant…… We forget that crying is so naturally healthy and necessary……..Tears include endorphins, our brains’ natural pain killer…….. saltiness of tears lubricates and cleanses eyes, and tears have oils that protect eyes’ surface….. our life’s oldest form of communication, and it can be lightening and liberating".

Fundamental Nuggets.  But for fine-tuning, these basic elements   do not change. For example:

1)              Persona Nuggets

2)              Building rapport

3)              Route 350

4)              Internal frame of reference

5)              Reflecting/ mirroring

6)              Feelings Cycle

7)              Circle of Control

8)              Proactive Response

9)              Perception & Facts

Explanation. All the fundamental nuggets would be explained in suitable lots using the same Color Code (Red, Green and Blue). The previous links have been embedded to facilitate access for comprehensive understanding of each. Please bear with the inconvenience of having to read the links!  

Persona Nuggets

 

Principle-Centered

'A Valueless Life Is a Value Less Life'

 

During Life Skills Session on destiny flow chart, one perceptive student of Class 8  highlighted the significance of Principles/Values in Life.

Destiny Flow Chart

Thought Impulse=Action/Choice=Repeated Choice=Habit=Repeated Habit=Character=Destiny adhering to the Cause & Effect Principle.

Model

 Student's Question.  'I notice that everything depends on the quality of 'Thought Impulse'. How to know whether my thinking is Right or Wrong?'   Since then, teaching on Values/Principles was scaled up in our Classes.

Purpose of NDC is empowerment* enabling an individual to make value based choices in life with clear understanding that:-

'Like Cosmic Laws, Rights & Wrongs are Fixed and

Do Not Change From Person to Person or Situation to Situation'.

A counselee learns best emulating the Principle-Centered life style of AF. He/She models: 

·                Self Discipline—punctuality, empathy, compassion, respect for all, no discrimination, no offensive behavior, cooperation NOT competition

·                No Contradiction Between Precept & Practice

·                Personal & Professional Integrity

·                Friendliness

Adults,  Particulalry Teachers,  are Under The Scanner of Youth 24/7

Example 1

One morning, we entered Class 8 to teach Life Skills. Students, agitated over double standards of teachers, shared their anguish—'They scold us when we talk. But waste teaching time talking on mobile violating School orders'.     

Example 2

Observation of a student—'Ruth Madam (name changed), a student-friendly teacher, preached civic sense but …... Once she had accompanied us on Mussoorie trek. En route, after refreshment break, she simply tossed the tetra pack. She lost our respect that day'.       

Real Life Incidents.  Two episodes emphasize the significance of internalizing clear understanding of Values/Principles by an Accomplished Facilitator.   

Incident  1

Intense session on sexuality with senior students of a prestigious school concluded around midnight. While walking back to hostel with 5/6 senior students, one tall smart guy asked—'Sir, is it right or wrong to talk to girls?'

My internal dialogue—this question entails clear understanding of value-based limits, choices & consequences. Students need to work it out from their own perspective without my advice. 

Incident  2

During visit to the same school following year, one Class 11 student with imposing personality was majorly distressed. Reason, his girl friend had refused kissing after 1½ years of relationship.

My internal dialogue: GF seems clearer about quality relationship; Possesses powerful character to say No risking rejection. BF is overwhelmed by hormonal pressure

      

After interaction, he admitted gleefully—"I have the best girl friend in the world".

To read both narratives, please access Episodes 2 & 3.

Post Script

Application of Nuggets During NDC.  In addition to few stated already, here is one more; 21 Sep 2016, session with (Ramesh, name changed), widower age 57, rich businessman . Struggle— Bitter relationship with his three children, age 25 to 27. Excerpt:-

Sushant                                   Would you like to share happy days together?

Ramesh                                    'When children were around 10, five of us travelled on scooter and enjoyed spending time together frequently'

Sushant                                   Do you think it was right for you to violate traffic rules? What did the children learn?

Ramesh confessed                  

(Looking flabbergasted)       आपके बताने के बाद मुझे गलती का एहसास हो रहा है। पहले कभी सोचा ही नहीं। (after you've pointed out, I've realized my mistake. I never thought of it)

Demonstrates the Nugget—Significance of Principles

                                                                                                                 To Be Contd…..