HEALTHY SEXUALITY PART VII MASTURBATION

Preface 

One sultry afternoon in Dehradun, I met 23 year old Ajay (name changed), a serving Army Officer with enviable academic profile. His professional background was striking from his gait & liveliness! That chance meeting evolved into enriching relationship due to his inquisitiveness and focus on self improvement!!

My initiative to strike conversation with Ajay was in line with my hands-on  experience at DYC listening to youth. One significant unease expressed by many—'We never get opportunity to talk about real life issues openly in an enabling and non-judgmental environment'. Recent feedback from an erstwhile member of DYC fraternity would be an apt illustration:- 

'Sushant Sir, you may not remember me but I distinctly do. From Pauri Garhwal with Hindi medium background, I reached Dehradun about 10 yrs ago. I was a regular at DYC and often recall one particular discussion when you asked me — 'What do you wish to do in life?'

Vinay                    Earn lots of money

Sushant                What for?

Vinay                   Buy house, property, swanky cars, travel, enjoy ,...

Sushant              Suppose you become rich and then get cancer   what would you do?  

                                          

Expressed his gratitude thus—'I was unable to think of a logical answer! But that question was a turning point in my life as I started thinking differently…..' 

Purposeful Discussions

Ajay evolved powerfully with amazing speed demolishing the walls of conditioning. Seldom have I met someone so young yet so focused. I often felt challenged responding to his insightful perspectives. Remarkable  paradigm shift from Unhealthy to Healthy Sexuality allowed him to share feelings bottled-up since childhood …….!! 

Until 60 I felt too insecure to TALK ABOUT my messy childhood!!

His Confession. Seldom does one get opportunity to read such straight-from-the-heart narrative. Excerpts: 

  

"I don’t know how to react when feelings/sexual desires arise in my mind. If I try to avoid them, I end up focusing on them even more.
Sometimes I feel that these are because of hormones. I am young and humans are designed by god that these emotions are bound to happen and there is nothing wrong… I end up masturbating most of the time these emotions arise which I feel is a good way to get rid of these hormones/desires without hurting/harming anyone i.e. the opposite sex.

 I want to have a rock solid character and I want to be morally right always and every time but this one thing makes me feel weak as I am rarely able to control the urge/change my lustful thoughts and feelings and I chose the easier path i.e. to watch porn/visualise and masturbate to get rid of them. This makes me feel sad every time since I feel that I chose the easier wrong against the harder right(which I am not aware what it is, but there is definitely something better I suppose!). ….

I need to get out of all my fears and inhibitions if I want to pursue my Purpose of Life …… and feel happy from within. ……. I am working on proactivity and ….have realised how reactive I am ……. I know I will have to find my own path and only I can help myself; ………

 P.S: I am feeling so relaxed and calm after writing my heart out"

Change in Life Style

Ajay called up recently to share that he quit smoking and drinking as he no longer felt the urge. This sudden change has befuddled his peers whose understanding of joyous life revolves around trendy but warped catch-phrases disregarding the consequences—Just Do It; Work Hard & Party Harder; We Have Only One Life to Live It Up!!

What Prompted Me to Write?

Soon after the confessional note, Ajay came over. While interacting he made a significant point. This post is in response to that observation:—

'sushant, Although Masturbation is a Huge Issue WITH MALES, It Has Not Been addressed in your Blog Post Healthy Sexuality'!!! 

What is Masturbation('M')

"Masturbation is self-stimulation of the genitals to achieve sexual arousal and pleasure, usually to the point of orgasm (sexual climax). It is commonly done by touching, stroking, or massaging the Penis or Clitoris. Some women also use stimulation of the vagina to masturbate". 

Note:

Males are more familiar with the word 'मुठमारना'. Girls also know it having heard  'boys-talk'

Is It An Issue with Women?

Until 2015, I thought masturbation was not an issue with women. Candid narrative of hurts and consequences of sexual abuse shared by a 15 year old girl made me wiser. Sharing her choice  to masturbate said—'Around 70 to 80 percent girls masturbate but do not talk about it, unlike the boys'.   

To validate, I interacted with a lady in her 50s. Her spontaneous response—'It was a huge struggle in my teens until I read about it'. Google search revealed, 93 % women  masturbate regularly. 

  

Is 'M' Healthy?

It is an Inbuilt Safe Mechanism to express Sexual Urge. It is healthy and natural so long one is comfortable and without having to seek help for addictive behavior and/or Obsessive Compulsory Disorder (OCD).  To illustrate:  

•                One evening at DYC,  14 year old boy (Anil)approached me and shared—'I am not feeling good as I masturbated four times today'. He felt better after baring his heart and working out alternatives— resolved to play tennis more regularly to keep himself physically & mentally occupied

•                Feedback from student of a high profile residential school for boys:

'My colleague is in to excessive masturbation in that blood oozes out of his prepuce. Though smarting under stress, feels shy of seeking help  in the absence of student-friendly emotional support system,'

   

Inbuilt Safe Mechanism.  Pituitary Gland or the Master Gland regulates  several physiological process internally to include all functions of Sex Organs be it Libido, Masturbation,  Reproductive System, Sexual Orientation and so on. Notably, M is safe and healthy  so long one is able to manage the pressure of Sexual Urge—Erotic Feelings/Libido. 

      

Erotic Feelings/Libido. Elements that Trigger libido: 

Males  

1.               Loneliness

2.               Soft/Hard Pornography (Blue Film) 

3.               Sexual Abuse

4.               Titillation— Sex Talk , Female Undergarments,  Cleavage, Voluptuous Figure, Skin Exposure, Seductive Gestures, Nude Images/Sculpture

5.               Sensual Memories

6.               Animals mating

Females

1.               Sexual Abuse

2.               Romantic Stories

3.               Romantic behavior—hug, peck on cheek,  amorous look….

4.               Sensual Memories

5.               Petting

Note

•         Women dislike projection of male domination in Porn (Blue Film) videos

•         They find masturbation too cumbersome

Wish I was more aware of females' perspectives and behavior pattern…..???  

Unhealthy Impact of 'Dirty Thing (गंदी बात) Syndrome'

Its influence is overwhelmingly unhealthy  in that almost no one feels comfortable talking about  Masturbation, Body Parts, Sex, Periods, Nocturnal Emission, Orgasm, Pornography, Sexual Orientation, Impotency and so on. Even biology teachers feel shy while teaching the awesome Reproductive System!! Consequences: Unhealthy Sexuality; Disrespect for Women; Appalling Awareness Level; Recurrence of Horrific Sexual Episodes---Sexual Abuse by close relatives including grandpa, Rape, Incest, Teenage  Pregnancy, BDSM and so on.

Appalling Awareness Level.  Children attain Adult/Parenthood loaded with mistaken beliefs & misconceptions. To recap experiences shared by adults/teenagers during many interactions: Guilt Factor after M and Nocturnal Emissions; M Causes Pimples & Black Rings Under Eyes; M by Females Affects Pregnancy; Distorts Shape of Penis; Reduces Semen & Sperm Count, Erectile Dysfunction, Impotence etc. Few real life examples:    

• Confession of my school mate at 70 plus:—

When Mom caught me masturbating, she warned —'if you do not stop, you will become blind'.  I could not stop but lived with fear of blindness until I discovered the fact….Such lies  affect relationship. 

•       Narrative of another colleague, 70:-

First experience of Nocturnal Emission was so scary that I ran to my friendly Grandmother. Her input that it happened to all healthy boys was a huge relief.  

Masturbation: Implications

          Negatives.   Risk of becoming addictive and victim of OCD. Waste  time and money  surfing the net & buying  expensive magazine like Playboy, Less time  to Sleep, distractions affecting normal routine and so on.    

                                        

Benefits

 

Few self explanatory questions would highlight the advantages.  Is it better to M or 

1.                Rape  

2.                Go to a Prostitute

3.                Be a Predacious Pedophile

4.                Lead Promiscuous Life Style

5.                Make unhealthy choices that lead to grave consequences like  MeToo campaign; Court Cases (case in point is that of Dr RK Pauchauri, internationally renowned celebrity)

Among married couples, Masturbation is common to deal with sexual urge for various reasons—busy/neglecting husband or wife is unwell/unwilling, fear of Pain/Pregnancy, mismatch of libido and so on

Example on Apprehension of Pain shared  recently: 

I had to seek divorce within a year of marriage due to physical incompatibility. Our marriage was not consummated as she was fearful of pain during intercourse. When asked how he satisfied his sexual urge, prompt reply was Masturbation……!        

Masturbation Cycle (Male)

It follows a cyclic pattern like Feelings Cycle in that surge of erotic feelings(How I Feel) leads to Masturbation (How I Behave), followed by Guilt and How Others Respond.  Whether one is penis-centric and/or into excessive M  hinges on the Cooling-off Period, duration of which depends upon: 

Ø  Libido/sex drive

Ø  Inputs thru sense perceptions—what one reads, views, hears, touches….

Ø  Internal clutter due to experiences

   

Ø  Ability to manage lustful memories

Ø  Emotional NOT Intelligence Quotient  

Expressed in the form of equation:

How I feel (Erotic thought) ---- a---- how I behave (Masturbate) ---- b----  guilt feeling---- c---- how others behave (insensitive comments) ---- d---- more guilt feelings---- e---- Cooling-Off duration depends on ability to manage feelings---- f---- resurgence of erotic feelings---- g---- How I feel/Erotic thought

                 

                        Letters A to G indicate different segments of the cycle  

For Graphical Representation see the Model 

MASTURBATION CYCLE MALE

Breaking the Masturbation Cycle 

Until the cycle is broken/managed, one runs the risk of becoming addictive and victim of OCD.  'Guilt Feelings' may run riot and cause emotional upheavals with the attended consequences—low self esteem, distractions, procrastination, complexes, irritation, violence, rape, forgetfulness and so on.  

Out of the seven segments (A to g), where and how to break/manage the cycle? At Segment  'a'; How?  Proactive Response—logic driven  response to manage erotic  thoughts/feelings.

Reflections 

While writing this article, I relived memories of the benefits of masturbation in dealing with the fury of hormones on two counts 1)  Messy Childhood 2) Well thought thru decision at 24 to remain Single and Virgin.  Admittedly, on few occasions I felt vulnerable but always remained  conscious of never to cross the लक्ष्मण रेखा. Once I felt extremely vulnerable …. Thereafter, I have been more circumspect in attending close group activities.   

Leading unethical and  promiscuous life style may be enthralling but self-destructive for sure in the long run.  

Suggestion

'Dirty Thing (गंदी बात) Syndrome' is a huge obstacle for adults as well children to discuss multi-dimensional feelings generated due to hormonal effect, in a safe and healthy environment.   I had to endure it for want of options. Situation is no different today!!!

Paradigm shift from Traditional to Quality Parenting/Teaching would enable sons and daughters to grow up with Healthy Sexuality. Thus allowing sons to manage the Masturbation Cycle effectively.