EXPLANATION OF NUGGETS 1
Prologue
How
Good A Listener Am I?
Mindful of this question alone would enable Accomplished
Facilitators (AF) to self-monitor and hone their Listening Skill progressively.
Of utmost importance is AFs remaining hyper-sensitive to the subtle expectations
seldom articulated so clearly by a counselee:-
You
are listening to me when……….
You come quietly into my private
world and let me be me;
You try to understand me even if I’m
not making much sense;
You grasp my point even when it’s
against your own convictions;
You realize that the hour I took from
you, has left you a bit tired and drained;
You allow me the dignity of making my
own decisions even though you think they might be wrong;
You do not take my problem from me,
but allow me to deal with it in my own way;
You do not offer religious solace
before I am ready for it;
You give me enough room to discover
for myself what is really going on;
You accept my gratitude by telling me
how good it makes you feel to know that you have been helpful;
You
are not listening to me when……….
You do not care about me;
You say you understand before;
You know me well enough;
You have an answer for my problem before I’ve finished telling you what my
problem is;
You cut me off before I’ve finished speaking;
You finish my sentence for me;
You find me boring and don’t tell me;
You feel critical of my vocabulary, grammar or accent;
You are dying to tell me something;
You tell me about your experience, making mine unimportant;
You are communicating to someone else in the room;
You refuse my thanks by telling me
you haven’t really done anything.
Listening to the
narrative with eyes shut during the training in September 2000 was overwhelming. Recalling that stirring experience still gives
me goosebumps!
Brief Recap of Few Expressions
Non-Directive
Counseling (NDC) :Annotations
*Empowerment. NDC is a powerful tool that allows those in
emotional distress to bounce back and feel empowered to take charge of his/her
life. Empowered herein means—ability to make value-based choices based on clear
understanding of Rights & Wrongs. To reiterate the metaphor—'Instead of giving a fish, teach how to catch a fish'!
It is a dynamic
concept that helps Accomplished Facilitators (AF) evolve individually based on Experiential
Learning. Primary source is one-on-one Sessions followed by inputs from
Seminars and others. As emphasized earlier, it is an individual-specific skill
dependent upon the frame of reference (principles or ideas or experiences that
influence attitude) of both, Facilitator and Counselee
Multi-source inputs
help refining the Nuggets stored in memory profile of AF. To
illustrate Experiential Learning:
Recent input from my niece, Principal of a Public School, Kolkata
highlighted the importance of Dad's role:
Anger-filled student (Bunty), Class 2, has spread terror amongst
classmates. Extremely vicious in beating up students regularly disregarding advice
and warnings. Her narrative:
'Yesterday I was at the gate as students were arriving. It was raining
heavily. Yet Bunty stood there fully
drenched. I saw him staring enviously at a girl whose Dad hugged & kissed her cheeks before
leaving.
Sensing upsurge of anger, I
cautioned the class teacher. Soon
complaint arrived—He has beaten up the girl badly causing serious injury to her
cheeks.
My interactions with mother revealed she was seeking separation.
Apprehending harm, she did not allow
Bunty to meet Dad. As advised, she agreed to allow Bunty to spend the Sunday
with his father.
Following Monday Bunty was at his best behavior and looked happy, calm
and composed'.
This episode, I have added to memory profile, for use while counseling
parents. To read how Dad's bluff caused anger in 8 year old son, please access
Synergized Listening
Harmonious blend of nuggets forming part of three Components—Persona, Skills including
Life Skills. Overview of the components with
color codes:
·
Persona 70 Percent. Like Principle-Centered;
Proactive Body Language; Healthy Sexuality ….
·
Skills 30 Percent Nuggets. For
instance, Building Rapport; Route 350; How to explore feelings; Reflecting/Mirroring;
How to deal with Silence or Crying….
·
Life
Skills Nuggets, Part of Skills 30%. For example, Feelings Cycle; Circle of Control; Proactive
Response; Perception & Facts; Purpose of Life……
Potential Facilitator 70/30 (PF)
·
70%
Innate Qualities— Ethics, Compassion, Empathy, Unconditional Love, Courage, Wisdom, Humility, No Prejudice & Genuineness.
·
30%
Skills. Commitment to learn NDC Skills.
Accomplished Facilitator(AF)
A PF equipped with Synergized
Listening thru well-structured Training Schedule. Real life learning starts with one-on-one
sessions! It took me almost a year to occupy the hot seat of an AF and still
feel challenged and humbled whenever anyone approaches for help
Nuggets
"Something that
a person has said or written
that is very true or very wise". In context of
Synergized Listening, anything of relevance or value learnt/experienced by an
AF. These nuggets are stored in memory profile for application during
counseling sessions in future. For instance, on 31 Jul 16, I read an illuminating
article on 'Crying'—ThirdEye Cry.
Excerpts—
"…….It’s when we can’t express ourselves, our emotions, in any
other way. Babies cry because they haven’t learned how to speak words that
we’ve come to understand. …….it’s a powerful expression that’s so natural to
us…….. But society shames it…….But that’s no fault to the tears. White, black,
brown, yellow, blue tears is irrelevant…… We forget that crying is so naturally
healthy and necessary……..Tears include endorphins, our brains’ natural pain
killer…….. saltiness of tears lubricates and cleanses eyes, and tears have oils
that protect eyes’ surface….. our life’s oldest form of communication, and it
can be lightening and liberating".
Fundamental Nuggets. But for fine-tuning, these basic elements do not change. For example:
1)
Persona Nuggets
2)
Building rapport
3)
Route 350
4)
Internal frame of reference
5)
Reflecting/ mirroring
6)
Feelings Cycle
7)
Circle of Control
8)
Proactive Response
9)
Perception & Facts
Explanation.
All the fundamental nuggets would be explained in suitable lots using the same
Color Code (Red, Green
and Blue). The previous links have been
embedded to facilitate access for comprehensive understanding of each. Please bear
with the inconvenience of having to read the links!
Persona Nuggets
Principle-Centered
'A
Valueless Life Is a Value Less Life'
During
Life Skills Session on destiny flow chart, one perceptive student of Class
8 highlighted the significance of
Principles/Values in Life.
Destiny
Flow Chart
Thought
Impulse=Action/Choice=Repeated Choice=Habit=Repeated Habit=Character=Destiny
adhering to the Cause & Effect Principle.
Model
Student's Question. 'I notice that everything depends on the
quality of 'Thought Impulse'. How to know whether my thinking is Right or
Wrong?' Since then, teaching on Values/Principles was
scaled up in our Classes.
Purpose
of NDC is empowerment*
enabling an individual to make value based choices in life with clear
understanding that:-
'Like Cosmic Laws, Rights & Wrongs are Fixed and
Do Not Change From Person to Person or Situation to
Situation'.
A
counselee learns best emulating the Principle-Centered life style of AF. He/She models:
·
Self Discipline—punctuality, empathy,
compassion, respect for all, no discrimination, no offensive behavior,
cooperation NOT competition
·
No Contradiction Between Precept &
Practice
·
Personal & Professional Integrity
·
Friendliness
Adults, Particulalry Teachers, are Under The Scanner of Youth 24/7
Example 1
One morning, we entered Class 8 to teach Life Skills. Students, agitated
over double standards of teachers, shared their anguish—'They scold us when we
talk. But waste teaching time talking on mobile violating School orders'.
Example 2
Observation of a student—'Ruth Madam (name changed), a
student-friendly teacher, preached civic sense but …... Once she had
accompanied us on Mussoorie trek. En route, after refreshment break, she simply
tossed the tetra pack. She lost our respect that day'.
Real
Life Incidents.
Two episodes emphasize the significance of internalizing clear understanding
of Values/Principles by an Accomplished Facilitator.
Incident
1
Intense session on sexuality with senior students of a prestigious school
concluded around midnight. While walking back to hostel with 5/6 senior
students, one tall smart guy asked—'Sir, is it right or wrong to talk to
girls?'
My internal dialogue—this question entails clear understanding of value-based limits, choices
& consequences. Students need to work it out from their own perspective
without my advice.
Incident
2
During visit to the same school following year, one Class 11 student with
imposing personality was majorly distressed. Reason, his girl friend had
refused kissing after 1½ years of relationship.
My internal dialogue: GF seems clearer about quality relationship; Possesses powerful
character to say No risking rejection. BF is overwhelmed by hormonal pressure
After interaction, he admitted gleefully—"I have the best girl
friend in the world".
To read both narratives, please
access Episodes 2 & 3.
Post Script
Application of Nuggets During NDC. In addition to few stated already, here is
one more; 21 Sep 2016, session with (Ramesh, name changed), widower age 57,
rich businessman . Struggle— Bitter relationship with his three children, age
25 to 27. Excerpt:-
Sushant
Would
you like to share happy days together?
Ramesh
'When
children were around 10, five of us travelled on scooter and enjoyed spending
time together frequently'
Sushant Do
you think it was right for you to violate traffic rules? What did the children
learn?
Ramesh
confessed
(Looking flabbergasted) आपके
बताने के बाद मुझे गलती का एहसास हो रहा है। पहले कभी सोचा ही नहीं। (after
you've pointed out, I've realized my mistake. I never thought of it)
Demonstrates the Nugget—Significance
of Principles
