PARENTING PART IV TRADITIONAL PARENTING & CONSEQUENCES 1

Preface 

CALLOUS JUGAD

The longest and most crucial chapter in life of men & women  is ‘Parenting’. It weaves societal fabric on which depends the quality of life on planet earth.  Selection procedure exists for everything be it admission in preschool to appointment of President of the country or any international body. Tongue  & cheek  comment—even a chaprasi has to qualify!   How is it that no eligibility criteria has been prescribed for prospective parents? Biological age seems to be the main  criteria perpetuated for traditional parenthood!  

A  perceptive and qualified psychologist, under pressure to get married, has been doing quality thinking. Gist of it:—

‘Her friends married due to societal pressure and superficial parameters (good salary, good looks). She attaches importance to values, genuineness, and education. Compromising and inadequate parenting ability would affect compatibility. No marriage should be left to chance. She is contemplating to remain single in case Mr Right is elusive’. She is thinking out of the box to  challenge traditional marriage-cum-parenting.   I think it is a welcome initiative!  

‘Spare the rod and spoil the child’ is the proverbial chord drummed in since childhood.  Barring very few, all parents and teachers apply force without restraint to control behavior of kids including grown-ups!  Instances are not rare when teachers have been hauled up for excessive use of criminal force.  

A  reputed school in Dehra Dun is known for academic performance thru use of physical force. Yet the school is well patronized as marks-centric parents endorse use of rod ad infinitum oblivious of the emotional scars inflicted on sons and daughters!   

‘One Dad nearly choked to death his 6 year old son’ shared by the son when 16. While regretting, the Dad confessed he too was a victim of it in childhood. It only confirmed the experiential trend ‘Those abused tend to become abusers’ as also observed in the case of bullying and ragging!  

What is Traditional Parenting?  

  

For centuries children have grown up learning parenting by observing behavior of parents and family members.  The traditional trend is too deep-rooted and stems from the warped concept of academic excellence, success, discipline and opaque relationship. Slapping and shouting are common in blatant violation of statutory rules. 

Parenting swings between over restrictive (‘Nos’)  and over pampering (‘Yes’). Absent parents generously pay guilt money. Over pampering and guilt money is a perfect  recipe for ruination.   

To most, irrespective of age, Success means MONEY POWER STATUS. Reason—‘Human Doing has submerged Human Being’.  Consequence: irreversible adverse effect on Health & Relationship, the two most vital aspect of life. Do we or should we care to think differently to reverse the ominous trend?  

  

Love.  Understanding of love/unconditional love remains nebulous revolving around romanticism drawing from romantic stories like Mills & Boons, soap operas and movies. Few pause to ponder whether love could be palpable without Trust, Respect, Understanding, Commitment & Transparency!   

Much talked about emotional or mental health is a hot topic of discourse in all forums be it educational, professional and spiritual. Inertia to remain on discussion mode is shaken to the core when crisis befalls affecting family izzat such as raid on rave parties, violence, drunken driving, substance abuse,  rape, teenage pregnancy, elopement, suicide, murder etc. 

Traditional Parents.  It is summarized thus—those who remain parents only NOT friend-cum-parent. To remind ourselves, ‘being friendly precludes familiarity’!   Mom’s  query how to be friendly was well responded by her 14 year old son—‘listen Mama  listen without lecturing/advising’. To understand someone we need to listen first.  Parents need to learn this skill. It took me some time to develop the ability to ‘shut up’ when youth spoke.  

Consequences 

Insensitive parenting rattles children thru adolescence and adulthood with invalidated perceptions and gross lack of awareness. Cocktail of curiosity-confusion-silence was unsettling and slowly but steadily corrode emotional health and Stream of Healthy Sexuality.  Discouraged to ask questions, especially on taboo topics, youth are rendered vulnerable to making wrong choices. Sample of ten such unanswered questions; have been stated in Parenting Part III.  

Brief on few episodes based on real life experience would enable readers  to evaluate the significance of stepping out of the paradigm of traditional parenting. 

HAZARDOUS?

Episode One

Question.  Class 9 boy—Our house is empty during the day as parents are working.  Few of my classmates have been pestering for the key.  They plan to bring prostitute. What should I do?  Observations.  Lack of values and empty love tank rendered the boy vulnerable to join messed up kids; identified as distracters of the class. 

On a sweltering afternoon, we were interacting with students of Class 9. Our opening comment—Do you think students of this section could be divided into three distinct categories according to their behavior pattern? Brief silence was disturbed by 4-5 mischievous students. Grabbing the opportunity, we asked them to describe their group. Prompt reply—Distracters! Complimented them for their honesty and perceptive ability.   

Ensuing discussion  led to identifying the remaining  two as Spectators and Participators with maximum being former. One of the distracters seemed tad interested in the discussion. When asked what were his reasons to be in that group, kept quiet.   

The purposeful discussion concluded when gong struck end of 40 minutes. As I walked out of the class, that boy from distracter’s group followed and asked the stated question.  While discussing the pros and cons, he made a powerful choice—‘I will not hand over the key.  If they dump me so be it as they do not deserve my friendship’.    

It was gratifying to note the paradigm shift and his ability to make choice based on clear understanding of rights and wrongs—initiation of   empowerment process, hopefully!   

Episode Two

Question.  Class 8 girl—At puberty girls have periods what happens to boys?

One morning I entered Class 8 (Girls)  to conduct life skills  training.  From unsettled behavior, it was clear that  students were much too distracted to remain focused. Study pressure and other non-academic issues had ruffled their comfort zone. They seemed interested in addressing those issues that day. 

In line with the objective of life skills classes for emotional growth, students were asked to share their feelings.  Students agreed to individually write down one or two points  causing distractions on a piece of paper without  revealing identity.   

Topics covered  were study pressure, criticism from teachers, relationship issues with parents and authorities, boyfriends,  teasing, jealousy & betrayals. On one chit SEX was written in capital letters. Unanimous preference was to discuss this topic first. Hesitant  to do so being male,  I intended to request female colleague to take the class.  They seemed comfortable asking me to take the class saying—‘Sir, you are cool’.

As I did not have management’s permission to address the topic, students volunteered to maintain confidentiality and settled down to listen. Discussion shifted from healthy sexuality  to puberty when a girl asked the stated question.  All eyes were focused with curiosity.  I explained the process of ejaculation to include semen and sperm. They seemed satisfied when the class ended. 

Nevertheless, I requested our female volunteer to take the class next week for questions that they may not have felt comfortable asking me. Surprisingly, the girls had no questions. 

            

Episode Three

Question.  Class 10 boy—What is wrong to sleep with a willing partner? 

One morning we reached school to conduct life skills classes as scheduled.  Director’s daughter seemed troubled due to unending complaints against  the students of Class 10E (Boys). She requested us to interact with them as Board exams were nearing.  

 Prevalent policy of grading students into sections based on percentage is inherently flawed.  It erodes self esteem. ‘E’ section is perceived as the assembly of incorrigibles! Outcome—smoldering frustration and rebellious attitude.   

As we entered the class, students stood up and wished mechanically; hackneyed procedure for disciplining drummed into them.  Wonder how genuine and respectful are they towards teachers!  Fortunately, we were not strangers. Some faces were familiar.  Perhaps they were more receptive, for as visiting faculty, we had nothing to do with teaching syllabus or impressing the management. 

When asked how they perceived themselves; good or bad, ‘bad’ was the loud and programmed response from all without iota of  remorse.  Drawing their attention, we dramatized to share the truth—‘Each one of you is 24 carat gold with unmatched potential’. With disbelief they exchanged glances and  retorted—‘But Sir no one talks to us like this’! When asked whether  they were being flattered, free and fair interaction ensued.  Pleasant and rewarding awareness dawned based on scientific understanding of uniqueness—fingerprint and DNA. Pepped-up lot were by then ready for purposeful discussion. 

Traditional parenting and schooling had majorly disturbed their comfort zone. Loaded with least discussable questions  they were too distracted to process substantive issues. They liked our idea to address issues causing distraction. Each one wrote down one or two points anonymously.  All agreed that the stated question above be taken up for discussion first. Student who had the openness to ask such a relevant question was profusely complimented.  He immediately owned up and appreciated by all of us. 

Healthy Sexuality was explained.  Session concluded thus—Every choice has short and long term consequences (negative or positive). Home work for students was to think about the consequences of ‘sleeping with a willing partner’.

Following week students were keen to talk.  About 12 negative consequences shared were written on the board.  The points were  well thought thru. By then each one appeared convinced—premarital sex is not OK . 

We tend to under estimate the decision making ability of teenagers as they are seldom allowed to process issues without unsolicited advice.    

TRAGIC PARENTING

         
  Lesson.  Youth have no qualms sharing feelings in a friendly and  enabling environment. If they can be so transparent with someone of my age, what stops them to do so with parents/ teachers? Attitude of Elders!    QED 

PARENTING PART III STRUGGLES OF FORMATIVE YEARS

Preface 

Almost all parents are forever complaining or commenting on children’s behavioour. Predilection to criticize or tease starts very early.  Range of caustic remarks—labeling, gender bias, regret on accidental conception, comparison between siblings or/and children of others and so on.  In the words of 36 year old mother—‘Childhood memories of unsparing criticism by parents during family reunions caused immense embarrassment.  As children we were too helpless and fearful to share feelings.  In any case there was no one who would listen. Those memories still bother me’.  

As adults chasing success chimera, do we have the time or inclination to care about emotional needs of a child thru adolescence? Touching tale of a Class 5 Girl--'My parents do not love me. They spend long hours at nursing home. We hardly meet.  Happy to find you (70 year old Sushant) as my best friend'. 

            Sudden change in behavior of an obedient child to a rebel at teen befuddles parents. Sick and tired they (mostly Moms) seek help for ‘Cure-All-Capsule’, ironically, glossing over their own struggles as teenagers. As ill-equipped parents, most choose to suffer instead of exploring opportunities to learn.  At Doon Youth Centre (DYC), conscious efforts to equip parents with skills continue despite disappointing response. 

Recently, a mother met me for instant remedy as her 18 year old son had decided to change faith. I challenged her parenting skill as she did not seem to understand her accomplished son.  On being asked reasons for not attending parenting workshops despite her years of association with us, she had no plausible explanation. Wish I had antidote for her helplessness! Bitter truth is no one can run anyone else’s life. 

Switch from Cradle to School  

One time-tested fact—60 percent learning of a child takes place  between 0 and 6 years of age. They learn observing behavior of parents; what they do NOT say. Actions speak louder than words!! 

           ‘Good parenting means good schooling’ has been ingrained over centuries!  Parents spare no effort to make sure a child joins  preschool as early as 2½.  Cradle-snatching phenomenon disallows foundational learning of values and relationship at home. To surrender God-sent opportunity of quality grooming to teachers tantamount to abdicating parenting responsibility.  Many parents have been heard saying—  ‘sending kids to school allows respite for some time!’ 

            With absence of principle-centered anchor, children are sucked into whirlpool of rote learning, unhealthy competition, marks, peer pressure.  Devoid of compassion and empathy,  they evolve into selfish and devilish creatures focused on Money Power Status and wanting to get major share of the pie by any means!  Symptoms are ubiquitous! 

Radical Thoughts on Education.  Formal schooling is the beginning of a hackneyed journey that stymies growth of a child born with unlimited potential.  Class 11 Boy, 90 per center, from a reputed residential school, angered due to extra classes said—‘Sir if I do not want, no one can make me study and if I want, I need not come to school’.    

Mythical Perception  

Gender Role

Dads are bread-earners and Moms as home-makers are responsible to raise kids to include parent-teacher meeting, tuitions, home work, disciplining, dealing with emotional upheavals and so on.  Insensitive alienation of Dad has telling effect. 

Few months back a young mother arrived alone from outstation with  7 year old son. His excessive anger was the issue. She had already been to a  psychiatrist who did not find anything wrong clinically. Wonder how the child felt having to face interrogation by a professional for the perceived ‘abnormal anger’! Discussions revealed the plausible cause of anger; Dad seldom kept his promise to play.  Who then is responsible for spiking anger?  More importantly who needs help Dad or Child? 

Disciplining as Against Self-Discipline

Fear psychosis is the panacea for disciplining children. For effect,  parents, teachers and adults should look serious. Children would take advantage of friendliness.  Other archaic methods—Naming and Shaming,   boycott, shouting, scolding, beating, threats and offensive language.  These are, in fact,   the root causes of emotional stress leading to self injury, suicide, abscond, substance abuse, rape, violence, road rage,  promiscuous life etc. 

One son was so distressed that he stopped sharing feelings with Mom at 3½, took to drugs at 8 and absconded from home for four days at 16. Transformed radically after baring his heart at DYC. 

Regarding effect of boycott, narrative of a 30 year old lady few days back—‘when in Class 6 Dad did not speak to me for a month due to poor performance in Maths.  I felt miserable and pined for his attention’.  

Discussion on taboo topics would generate curiosity to experiment. In fact awareness helps making  informed choices.    

      

Friendliness.  Fact is friendliness without being familiar is palliative to winning heart and influencing children positively. It strengthens bonding and ensures love tank is full.  

     

Ill-equipped Parenting 

Rights & Wrongs.   Once while interacting with a young mother, I asked whether her toddler was learning Rights and Wrongs.  Puzzled, she wanted me to elaborate.  For instance, children invariably run to attend telephone calls when most parents prompt thus—‘Beta agar Mr ----line pe hai to bolna papa ghar nahin hain’  (if Mr ---- is on line, tell him Papa is not at home’. Responding   to consequences she confessed sheepishly—‘Aisa to ammuman ho jata hai’ (it usually happens like that).   Outcome: beginning of teaching a child, how to lie! 

Pampering/Disciplining.  Pendulum swings between pampering and insensitive disciplining.  This skewed approach encourages obstinacy to use wailing and crying as pressure tactics on parents to succumb!  It invariably vitiates family environment when demands are unreasonable.  17 year old son to Dad—‘Buy me a trendy bike. For funds you can sell your car if needed’!    

  

Abusive Language.  As confessed by students, 99 percent of them abuse starting as early as in junior classes and that they learn it at home. 

Cheating.     In a workshop, parents when asked how do children learn cheating, spontaneous response from two mothers—‘at home, when we complete home work instead of facilitating the child to do so’. Moreover, pressure of cut-throat competition to score marks and please parents render children vulnerable to cheating.  One Mom even prodded son in Class X to cheat.   

   

Life Style.  Values cannot be Taught but Caught. Kids learn value of ethics best by observing the life style of parents. In most cases it  is more damaging than inspiring!

Gender Bias.  Son-centric phobia has disturbed societal balance. Males seldom respect women although sons enjoy especial bonding with  mothers.  Feeling of insecurity pervades instilling fear in parents of daughters.  I think genesis of parochial culture stems from the popular perception—‘biggest enemy of a woman is woman’!  Mothers and Mothers-in-Law could initiate the change! 

Advice.  No one likes advice. Children and teenagers simply abhor advice while maintaining discreet silence. Unending advice, in fact,  raises opaque barriers that disable transparency. Thereby,  compelling  children to share emotional struggles with friends/strangers on social media!   They need friendly parents skilled in listening without advising. 

Discourage Kids from Asking Questions.  Kids are born with natural flair for asking questions to satisfy curiosity. Unable to respond convincingly, parents lose patience and ruthlessly stifle that urge and blocks awareness!   Disillusioned, child chooses to keep quiet particularly on sexuality.  I  suffered guilt of nocturnal emission for years.  Onset of menstruation while playing basketball unnerved a naïve lass; memory that still disturbs her at 26. 

 

Birds & Bees 

Self imposed cultural barriers prevent transparency and discourage kids from asking questions.  Uncontrollable onset of hormones and unrestrained media inputs are too compelling for children to seek answers from unfiltered sources. Confusion is compounded by ostrich approach of parents wearing masks of  ‘Gandibaat-Syndrome’!  Paradoxically, men and women utter Shivling (Phallus of Shiv)  with reverence!! 

I still recall feedback from students of Class 7 & 8 while discussing role play on birds & bees to educate parents—‘if parents never use words like pornography and masturbation, how can we talk?’ 

Sexual Abuse. Most parents are aware of this danger, yet remain on denial mode.  Fearful of accusations/mistrust victims almost never share even with Mothers.    Please read. Few months ago, 19 year old shared for the first time her abuse at 5 in presence of Mom who listened with disbelief.  

Stream of Sexuality

To recap, sexuality is the totality of being a male or female Ethically, Emotionally, Mentally, Relationally, Spiritually & Physically.  Healthy Sexuality does not mean absence of decease or libido. Transparent interactions allow children to negotiate unwanted rocks (negative experiences) in the Stream of Sexuality.  

  

Ill-equipped parenting normally pushes children into the Stream of Unhealthy Sexuality for life and perpetuating the trend for generations. 

Time and inclination permitting, please read my posts on Healthy Sexuality.  

Questions Causing Distractions

 Adolescence is a crucial phase of formative years to process emotional struggles. Everyone acknowledges the importance of Emotional Quotient (EQ) but remain focused on Intelligence Quotient (IQ). 

Silence or denial on taboo topics generate distress that simmer during the turbulent  teens. They crave for credible answers to questions piled up since childhood. As Facilitators, we were able to draw them out to share real stuff. Few such questions: 

1)              Class 8 girl—I like a boy in tuition class. He doesn’t talk to me. What should I do? 

2)              Class 8 boy—My dad says that I can join him to drink alcohol if I wish to. Should I?

3)              Class 8 boy—I am feeling awful  that I masturbated 5 times today. What should I do?

4)              Class 9 boy—Our house is empty during the day as parents are working.  Few of my classmates have been pestering for the key.  They plan to bring a prostitute. What should I do?   

5)              Three Class 9 boys—We are unable to concentrate as girls distract us.  Worried of not doing well in exams. What should we do?   

6)              Class 10 boy—What is wrong to sleep with a willing partner?

7)              Class 8 girl—At puberty girls have periods what happens to boys?

8)              Class 11 boys—Is it right or wrong to talk to girls?

9)              Class 11 girls—How to know whether my boy-friend is genuine?

10)           An adult boy—How to commit suicide?

             Readers, especially Parents, Teachers and Counselors may like to suggest pragmatic response (s). 

                                                                                           To be contd.........