Preface
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| CALLOUS JUGAD |
A perceptive and qualified psychologist, under
pressure to get married, has been doing quality thinking. Gist of it:—
‘Her friends married due to societal
pressure and superficial parameters (good salary, good looks). She attaches
importance to values, genuineness, and education. Compromising and inadequate
parenting ability would affect compatibility. No marriage should be left to chance.
She is contemplating to remain single in case Mr Right is elusive’. She is thinking
out of the box to challenge traditional
marriage-cum-parenting. I think it is a
welcome initiative!
‘Spare the rod and spoil the
child’ is the proverbial chord drummed in since childhood. Barring very few, all parents and teachers
apply force without restraint to control behavior of kids including grown-ups! Instances are not rare when teachers have been
hauled up for excessive use of criminal force.
A reputed school in Dehra Dun is known for
academic performance thru use of physical force. Yet the school is well
patronized as marks-centric parents endorse use of rod ad infinitum oblivious
of the emotional scars inflicted on sons and daughters!
‘One Dad nearly choked to
death his 6 year old son’ shared by the son when 16. While regretting, the Dad
confessed he too was a victim of it in childhood. It only confirmed the
experiential trend ‘Those abused tend to become abusers’ as also observed in
the case of bullying and ragging!
What
is Traditional Parenting?
For centuries children have
grown up learning parenting by observing behavior of parents and family members. The traditional trend is too deep-rooted and
stems from the warped concept of academic excellence, success, discipline and
opaque relationship. Slapping and shouting are common in blatant violation of
statutory rules.
Parenting swings between
over restrictive (‘Nos’) and over
pampering (‘Yes’). Absent parents generously pay guilt money. Over pampering
and guilt money is a perfect recipe for
ruination.
To most, irrespective of
age, Success means MONEY POWER STATUS. Reason—‘Human Doing has submerged Human
Being’. Consequence: irreversible
adverse effect on Health & Relationship, the two most vital aspect of life.
Do we or should we care to think differently to reverse the ominous trend?
Love. Understanding of love/unconditional love remains
nebulous revolving around romanticism drawing from romantic stories like Mills
& Boons, soap operas and movies. Few pause to ponder whether love could be
palpable without Trust, Respect, Understanding, Commitment &
Transparency!
Much talked about emotional or
mental health is a hot topic of discourse in all forums be it educational,
professional and spiritual. Inertia to remain on discussion mode is shaken to
the core when crisis befalls affecting family izzat such as raid on rave parties, violence, drunken driving,
substance abuse, rape, teenage
pregnancy, elopement, suicide, murder etc.
Traditional Parents. It is summarized thus—those who remain
parents only NOT friend-cum-parent. To remind ourselves, ‘being friendly precludes
familiarity’! Mom’s query how to be friendly was well responded by
her 14 year old son—‘listen Mama listen
without lecturing/advising’. To understand someone we need to listen first. Parents need to learn this skill. It took me
some time to develop the ability to ‘shut up’ when youth spoke.
Consequences
Insensitive parenting rattles
children thru adolescence and adulthood with invalidated perceptions and gross
lack of awareness. Cocktail of curiosity-confusion-silence was unsettling and slowly but steadily corrode emotional health and Stream
of Healthy Sexuality. Discouraged to ask
questions, especially on taboo topics, youth are rendered vulnerable to making
wrong choices. Sample of ten such unanswered questions; have been stated in
Parenting Part III.
Brief on few episodes based
on real life experience would enable readers to evaluate the significance of stepping out
of the paradigm of traditional parenting.
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| HAZARDOUS? |
Episode One
Question. Class 9 boy—Our house is empty during the day
as parents are working. Few of my
classmates have been pestering for the key.
They plan to bring prostitute. What should I do? Observations. Lack of values and empty love tank rendered
the boy vulnerable to join messed up kids; identified as distracters of the
class.
On a sweltering afternoon,
we were interacting with students of Class 9. Our opening comment—Do you think
students of this section could be divided into three distinct categories
according to their behavior pattern? Brief silence was disturbed by 4-5
mischievous students. Grabbing the opportunity, we asked them to describe their
group. Prompt reply—Distracters! Complimented them for their honesty and perceptive
ability.
Ensuing discussion led to identifying the remaining two as Spectators and Participators with
maximum being former. One of the distracters seemed tad interested in the
discussion. When asked what were his reasons to be in that group, kept
quiet.
The purposeful discussion
concluded when gong struck end of 40 minutes. As I walked out of the class,
that boy from distracter’s group followed and asked the stated question. While discussing the pros and cons, he made a
powerful choice—‘I will not hand over the key.
If they dump me so be it as they do not deserve my friendship’.
It was gratifying to note
the paradigm shift and his ability to make choice based on clear understanding
of rights and wrongs—initiation of empowerment process, hopefully!
Episode Two
Question. Class 8 girl—At puberty girls have periods
what happens to boys?
One morning I entered Class
8 (Girls) to conduct life skills training.
From unsettled behavior, it was clear that students were much too distracted to remain
focused. Study pressure and other non-academic issues had ruffled their comfort
zone. They seemed interested in addressing those issues that day.
In line with the objective
of life skills classes for emotional growth, students were asked to share their
feelings. Students agreed to individually
write down one or two points causing
distractions on a piece of paper without
revealing identity.
Topics covered were study pressure, criticism from teachers,
relationship issues with parents and authorities, boyfriends, teasing, jealousy & betrayals. On one
chit SEX was written in capital letters. Unanimous preference was to discuss this
topic first. Hesitant to do so being
male, I intended to request female
colleague to take the class. They seemed
comfortable asking me to take the class saying—‘Sir, you are cool’.
As I did not have management’s
permission to address the topic, students volunteered to maintain
confidentiality and settled down to listen. Discussion shifted from healthy
sexuality to puberty when a girl asked
the stated question. All eyes were
focused with curiosity. I explained the
process of ejaculation to include semen and sperm. They seemed satisfied when
the class ended.
Nevertheless, I requested
our female volunteer to take the class next week for questions that they may not
have felt comfortable asking me. Surprisingly, the girls had no questions.
Episode Three
Question. Class 10 boy—What is wrong to sleep with a
willing partner?
One morning we reached
school to conduct life skills classes as scheduled. Director’s daughter seemed troubled due to
unending complaints against the students
of Class 10E (Boys). She requested us to interact with them as Board exams were
nearing.
Prevalent policy of grading students into
sections based on percentage is inherently flawed. It erodes self esteem. ‘E’ section is perceived
as the assembly of incorrigibles! Outcome—smoldering frustration and rebellious
attitude.
As we entered the class, students
stood up and wished mechanically; hackneyed procedure for disciplining drummed
into them. Wonder how genuine and
respectful are they towards teachers! Fortunately,
we were not strangers. Some faces were familiar. Perhaps they were more receptive, for as visiting
faculty, we had nothing to do with teaching syllabus or impressing the
management.
When asked how they
perceived themselves; good or bad, ‘bad’ was the loud and programmed response from
all without iota of remorse. Drawing their attention, we dramatized to share
the truth—‘Each one of you is 24 carat gold with unmatched potential’. With disbelief
they exchanged glances and retorted—‘But
Sir no one talks to us like this’! When asked whether they were being flattered, free and fair interaction
ensued. Pleasant and rewarding awareness
dawned based on scientific understanding of uniqueness—fingerprint and DNA. Pepped-up
lot were by then ready for purposeful discussion.
Traditional parenting and
schooling had majorly disturbed their comfort zone. Loaded with least
discussable questions they were too distracted
to process substantive issues. They liked our idea to address issues causing
distraction. Each one wrote down one or two points anonymously. All agreed that the stated question above be taken
up for discussion first. Student who had the openness to ask such a relevant question
was profusely complimented. He immediately
owned up and appreciated by all of us.
Healthy Sexuality was explained. Session
concluded thus—Every choice has short and long term consequences (negative or positive).
Home work for students was to think about the consequences of ‘sleeping with a
willing partner’.
Following week students were
keen to talk. About 12 negative consequences
shared were written on the board. The points
were well thought thru. By then each one
appeared convinced—premarital sex is not OK .
We tend to under estimate the
decision making ability of teenagers as they are seldom allowed to process
issues without unsolicited advice.
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| TRAGIC PARENTING |
Lesson. Youth have no qualms sharing feelings in a friendly and enabling environment. If they can be so transparent with someone of my age, what stops them to do so with parents/ teachers? Attitude of Elders! QED
Good one
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