PARENTING PART III STRUGGLES OF FORMATIVE YEARS

Preface 

Almost all parents are forever complaining or commenting on children’s behavioour. Predilection to criticize or tease starts very early.  Range of caustic remarks—labeling, gender bias, regret on accidental conception, comparison between siblings or/and children of others and so on.  In the words of 36 year old mother—‘Childhood memories of unsparing criticism by parents during family reunions caused immense embarrassment.  As children we were too helpless and fearful to share feelings.  In any case there was no one who would listen. Those memories still bother me’.  

As adults chasing success chimera, do we have the time or inclination to care about emotional needs of a child thru adolescence? Touching tale of a Class 5 Girl--'My parents do not love me. They spend long hours at nursing home. We hardly meet.  Happy to find you (70 year old Sushant) as my best friend'. 

            Sudden change in behavior of an obedient child to a rebel at teen befuddles parents. Sick and tired they (mostly Moms) seek help for ‘Cure-All-Capsule’, ironically, glossing over their own struggles as teenagers. As ill-equipped parents, most choose to suffer instead of exploring opportunities to learn.  At Doon Youth Centre (DYC), conscious efforts to equip parents with skills continue despite disappointing response. 

Recently, a mother met me for instant remedy as her 18 year old son had decided to change faith. I challenged her parenting skill as she did not seem to understand her accomplished son.  On being asked reasons for not attending parenting workshops despite her years of association with us, she had no plausible explanation. Wish I had antidote for her helplessness! Bitter truth is no one can run anyone else’s life. 

Switch from Cradle to School  

One time-tested fact—60 percent learning of a child takes place  between 0 and 6 years of age. They learn observing behavior of parents; what they do NOT say. Actions speak louder than words!! 

           ‘Good parenting means good schooling’ has been ingrained over centuries!  Parents spare no effort to make sure a child joins  preschool as early as 2½.  Cradle-snatching phenomenon disallows foundational learning of values and relationship at home. To surrender God-sent opportunity of quality grooming to teachers tantamount to abdicating parenting responsibility.  Many parents have been heard saying—  ‘sending kids to school allows respite for some time!’ 

            With absence of principle-centered anchor, children are sucked into whirlpool of rote learning, unhealthy competition, marks, peer pressure.  Devoid of compassion and empathy,  they evolve into selfish and devilish creatures focused on Money Power Status and wanting to get major share of the pie by any means!  Symptoms are ubiquitous! 

Radical Thoughts on Education.  Formal schooling is the beginning of a hackneyed journey that stymies growth of a child born with unlimited potential.  Class 11 Boy, 90 per center, from a reputed residential school, angered due to extra classes said—‘Sir if I do not want, no one can make me study and if I want, I need not come to school’.    

Mythical Perception  

Gender Role

Dads are bread-earners and Moms as home-makers are responsible to raise kids to include parent-teacher meeting, tuitions, home work, disciplining, dealing with emotional upheavals and so on.  Insensitive alienation of Dad has telling effect. 

Few months back a young mother arrived alone from outstation with  7 year old son. His excessive anger was the issue. She had already been to a  psychiatrist who did not find anything wrong clinically. Wonder how the child felt having to face interrogation by a professional for the perceived ‘abnormal anger’! Discussions revealed the plausible cause of anger; Dad seldom kept his promise to play.  Who then is responsible for spiking anger?  More importantly who needs help Dad or Child? 

Disciplining as Against Self-Discipline

Fear psychosis is the panacea for disciplining children. For effect,  parents, teachers and adults should look serious. Children would take advantage of friendliness.  Other archaic methods—Naming and Shaming,   boycott, shouting, scolding, beating, threats and offensive language.  These are, in fact,   the root causes of emotional stress leading to self injury, suicide, abscond, substance abuse, rape, violence, road rage,  promiscuous life etc. 

One son was so distressed that he stopped sharing feelings with Mom at 3½, took to drugs at 8 and absconded from home for four days at 16. Transformed radically after baring his heart at DYC. 

Regarding effect of boycott, narrative of a 30 year old lady few days back—‘when in Class 6 Dad did not speak to me for a month due to poor performance in Maths.  I felt miserable and pined for his attention’.  

Discussion on taboo topics would generate curiosity to experiment. In fact awareness helps making  informed choices.    

      

Friendliness.  Fact is friendliness without being familiar is palliative to winning heart and influencing children positively. It strengthens bonding and ensures love tank is full.  

     

Ill-equipped Parenting 

Rights & Wrongs.   Once while interacting with a young mother, I asked whether her toddler was learning Rights and Wrongs.  Puzzled, she wanted me to elaborate.  For instance, children invariably run to attend telephone calls when most parents prompt thus—‘Beta agar Mr ----line pe hai to bolna papa ghar nahin hain’  (if Mr ---- is on line, tell him Papa is not at home’. Responding   to consequences she confessed sheepishly—‘Aisa to ammuman ho jata hai’ (it usually happens like that).   Outcome: beginning of teaching a child, how to lie! 

Pampering/Disciplining.  Pendulum swings between pampering and insensitive disciplining.  This skewed approach encourages obstinacy to use wailing and crying as pressure tactics on parents to succumb!  It invariably vitiates family environment when demands are unreasonable.  17 year old son to Dad—‘Buy me a trendy bike. For funds you can sell your car if needed’!    

  

Abusive Language.  As confessed by students, 99 percent of them abuse starting as early as in junior classes and that they learn it at home. 

Cheating.     In a workshop, parents when asked how do children learn cheating, spontaneous response from two mothers—‘at home, when we complete home work instead of facilitating the child to do so’. Moreover, pressure of cut-throat competition to score marks and please parents render children vulnerable to cheating.  One Mom even prodded son in Class X to cheat.   

   

Life Style.  Values cannot be Taught but Caught. Kids learn value of ethics best by observing the life style of parents. In most cases it  is more damaging than inspiring!

Gender Bias.  Son-centric phobia has disturbed societal balance. Males seldom respect women although sons enjoy especial bonding with  mothers.  Feeling of insecurity pervades instilling fear in parents of daughters.  I think genesis of parochial culture stems from the popular perception—‘biggest enemy of a woman is woman’!  Mothers and Mothers-in-Law could initiate the change! 

Advice.  No one likes advice. Children and teenagers simply abhor advice while maintaining discreet silence. Unending advice, in fact,  raises opaque barriers that disable transparency. Thereby,  compelling  children to share emotional struggles with friends/strangers on social media!   They need friendly parents skilled in listening without advising. 

Discourage Kids from Asking Questions.  Kids are born with natural flair for asking questions to satisfy curiosity. Unable to respond convincingly, parents lose patience and ruthlessly stifle that urge and blocks awareness!   Disillusioned, child chooses to keep quiet particularly on sexuality.  I  suffered guilt of nocturnal emission for years.  Onset of menstruation while playing basketball unnerved a naïve lass; memory that still disturbs her at 26. 

 

Birds & Bees 

Self imposed cultural barriers prevent transparency and discourage kids from asking questions.  Uncontrollable onset of hormones and unrestrained media inputs are too compelling for children to seek answers from unfiltered sources. Confusion is compounded by ostrich approach of parents wearing masks of  ‘Gandibaat-Syndrome’!  Paradoxically, men and women utter Shivling (Phallus of Shiv)  with reverence!! 

I still recall feedback from students of Class 7 & 8 while discussing role play on birds & bees to educate parents—‘if parents never use words like pornography and masturbation, how can we talk?’ 

Sexual Abuse. Most parents are aware of this danger, yet remain on denial mode.  Fearful of accusations/mistrust victims almost never share even with Mothers.    Please read. Few months ago, 19 year old shared for the first time her abuse at 5 in presence of Mom who listened with disbelief.  

Stream of Sexuality

To recap, sexuality is the totality of being a male or female Ethically, Emotionally, Mentally, Relationally, Spiritually & Physically.  Healthy Sexuality does not mean absence of decease or libido. Transparent interactions allow children to negotiate unwanted rocks (negative experiences) in the Stream of Sexuality.  

  

Ill-equipped parenting normally pushes children into the Stream of Unhealthy Sexuality for life and perpetuating the trend for generations. 

Time and inclination permitting, please read my posts on Healthy Sexuality.  

Questions Causing Distractions

 Adolescence is a crucial phase of formative years to process emotional struggles. Everyone acknowledges the importance of Emotional Quotient (EQ) but remain focused on Intelligence Quotient (IQ). 

Silence or denial on taboo topics generate distress that simmer during the turbulent  teens. They crave for credible answers to questions piled up since childhood. As Facilitators, we were able to draw them out to share real stuff. Few such questions: 

1)              Class 8 girl—I like a boy in tuition class. He doesn’t talk to me. What should I do? 

2)              Class 8 boy—My dad says that I can join him to drink alcohol if I wish to. Should I?

3)              Class 8 boy—I am feeling awful  that I masturbated 5 times today. What should I do?

4)              Class 9 boy—Our house is empty during the day as parents are working.  Few of my classmates have been pestering for the key.  They plan to bring a prostitute. What should I do?   

5)              Three Class 9 boys—We are unable to concentrate as girls distract us.  Worried of not doing well in exams. What should we do?   

6)              Class 10 boy—What is wrong to sleep with a willing partner?

7)              Class 8 girl—At puberty girls have periods what happens to boys?

8)              Class 11 boys—Is it right or wrong to talk to girls?

9)              Class 11 girls—How to know whether my boy-friend is genuine?

10)           An adult boy—How to commit suicide?

             Readers, especially Parents, Teachers and Counselors may like to suggest pragmatic response (s). 

                                                                                           To be contd.........