PARENTING PART II AWARENESS WORKSHOP BENEFITS

              Workshop for parents was one of five crucial suggestions from students during the inaugural workshop—1999.  Not satisfied with the progress in equipping parents, the issue came up for discussion at the Centre frequently.  Indifference of parents to learn parenting skills was the main obstacle to circumvent. Number of advertisements announcing parental workshop at nominal fee did not help as almost no one responded.  This continues to be the challenge.

Empowerment of youth being the vision of DYC, quality parenting during formative years of a child was crucial.  During the discussion that day one class 11 student, a regular, was present.  He volunteered to mobilize the support of his resourceful  Dad to make things happen and seemed confident of his full support for this worthwhile cause!

Soon thereafter we met the gentlemen brimming with energy and confidence.  His financial standing seemed sound as evident from life style and lavish hospitality.  He was not only gregarious but garrulous too.  I was not too sure of the quality of his bonding with family members!

Glad that my reservations were belied. He did take the initiative  to motivate, almost directed, his close friends to attend along with wife. Accordingly, the two days workshop was scheduled expecting attendance of 3 to 4 couples. Despite the sweltering heat of June, on final count around 12 showed up. For real feedback 5/6 students on summer vacation agreed to be on ‘Expert Panel’. 

Interactive & nonjudgmental format created a congenial setting.  In this enabling environment each one felt comfortable sharing perspectives openly.  Some participants had to be restrained from taking centre stage. Focus on skill building and the art of listening in that awareness on how to respond to situation was demonstrated thru real life experiences of participants interspersed with comments from the experts. Empathetic listening and compassion instead of advice were recipe for communicating understanding and unconditional love. Real life illustrations helped better assimilation.

One comment of a young teenager was telling when he shared unconditional support of parents without any pressure to score marks.  Curiosity of one over-confident father got the better of him to ask—“what kind of marks do you get”?  Prompt reply “well over 90% Sir” embarrassed the gentlemen. Gracious of him to allow the same student to share his hurt for questioning his academic performance.

On assertive response one lady bank official with two   school-going daughters, shared her recent experience. The girls were too lazy to get up in time for going to school. This daily ordeal had become too stressful adversely affecting her performance in office. Having worked out her action plan, one day she firmly informed the girls thus—“tomorrow onwards I will caution you to get up in the morning only once NOT repeatedly. If you do not get ready  to have breakfast in time,  I will keep it on the dining table and leave for office”.  The girls did not take her seriously to discover to their dismay the following day that Mom had left.  Admonishment at school taught them lesson to be self disciplined. Since then Mom had no problem. That narrative was  learning for all of us on joys of parenting. 

Day concluded with a sense of satisfaction. All were requested to come next day after doing home work—“two main things that you have learnt today”. 

Next day Sunday started with feed backs. There was a sense of eagerness amongst most of them to learn. Absence of one couple was on expected lines. Narrative from the lawyer and his wife was gripping. His opening comment—“we are here on two counts: 1) what we learnt yesterday was exceptionally rewarding 2) Insistence of our  10 year old daughter. In fact we wanted to stay back as she had invited her friend”.

With emotions flowing he said—“we realized yesterday that our unending conflicts to make her eat ‘lauki-ki sabji’ was NOT her but our problem”. To what happened prompt he continued—“Ours is joint family. With elderly parents  lauki vegetable is prepared almost daily.  Our daughter simply detests it leading to running exchange of tempers. As for me memories of unpleasantness while at work or  returning home kept nagging me.

After attending the workshop yesterday both  of us decided  when our daughter returns from tuition in the evening we will have dinner together after welcoming her lovingly. I volunteered to help my wife in table arrangement for the first time after marriage. She was reluctant to avoid terse comments of others, like ‘joru ka gulam’. Disregarding, I arranged the table neatly”.  Interjection at this to draw wife’s response to his initiative; she was gleefully appreciative. Both exuded happiness.

                Keen to narrate the crucial part said—“on returning from tuition, VIP reception full of love & compassion was a welcome surprise to her.  We moved for dinner. That day to our pleasant surprise she ate ‘Lauki-ki Sabji’ ungrudgingly. Both of us were exchanging glances with pleasurable disbelief. After dinner I requested her hesitantly whether she would like to hand over the iodex bottle to grandparents and  if OK she could consider massaging their legs. She left cheerfully with the bottle. She returned after a while and announced with pride that she had done the massage and made me smell iodex fragrance on her palm. We hugged her fondly for the job well done. This was yet one more issue on which we were distressed by her rebellious refusal to massage earlier. 

                In the whole process, thanks to this workshop, we learnt a lesson of our life as to how ill-equipped we were in parenting skills”.
 

Lessons

1)          Listen with ears, heart & eyes without interruption. Empathy NOT sympathy

2)          No advice

3)          No reactive response; response out of negative feelings. Reactive thinking overrides logic; disregards consequences. 

4)     Response should always be out of positive feelings after thinking about consequences.   

PARENTING PART I THREE REAL LIFE EPISODES

Overview

 Most parents struggle with the challenges of parenting when children hit adolescence.  It is certainly not their fault to feel inadequately equipped at that stage. Nevertheless, they need to accept responsibility for not availing opportunities to undergo training scheduled and advertised by Doon Youth Centre from time to time.  We are aware of parents who did not heed to information provided by their children to attend the workshops. Despite our willingness to reach out to parents, they were unable to approach us with concrete plans for conducting workshops at venues of their choice.

Ensuing episodes may sensitize all regarding the consequences of inadequate parenting skills.

First Episode 

One Saturday evening an acquaintance contacted me requesting for appointment to counsel his son of 17 years next day.  He was too overwhelmed with emotions to sound normal even on phone.   While appreciating his initiative, I cautioned him to check out whether his son was willing to talk.  As he was confident, the meeting was scheduled.

Dad walked in punctually at the appointed time. With a sense of embarrassment he said his son had refused saying—“I do not need counseling, both of you do” meaning Mom & Dad.  The lady, patient of severe arthritis, was in the car downstairs as she was incapable of climbing stairs.   

He had come prepared to share his unmanageable struggles due to irrepressible behavior of his son which was worsening by the day. Elaborating he recalled his latest demand for buying a fancy Motor Cycle. The son’s offensive response to Dad’s inability to finance was—“Why not? You can sell your Maruti 800”.

He was emotionally too charged to hold back the unmanageable turmoil at home.  It seems the son was stealing money and had become a habitual liar.  He also took sadistic pleasure in causing pain to his ailing mother by poking finger on swollen legs and repeatedly asking if it hurt.  His insensitive misbehavior had become unbearable as admitted by her with steely expression.  With disgust and tears in her eyes she confessed cursing apple of her eyes at one time to die! 

To my query as to the reasons for his shocking behavior, there was a pause. He had the courage to confess that fault was his as he did not give adequate time to the son when he needed him most.  Being young, weekly day off on Sunday,  was spent playing cards with friends instead of family!   Realization dawned much too late!

He was now facing the consequences of his own choices. What a heavy price to pay witnessing wayward life style of one’s progeny!

Second Episode

Just before vacation, annual examination had concluded that day when I visited the school. Intention was to be of emotional support to any one carrying burden of tests wanting to talk. Our team had the advantage of building rapport with students while conducting life skills classes.   Hence they were open to sharing feelings.

A student from class 9 walked up  and without hesitation shared his concern  regarding consumption of  alcohol.  He said—“you know yesterday my father spoke to me openly about alcohol consumption. He   elaborated to say that I had grown up as I was 14.   Whenever, I needed to take alcohol, I could join him as he consumed it regularly at home. Do you think I should drink?”

 As a trained facilitator in non-directive counseling, I was clear about no advice to anyone. Each one needed to work out  solutions from their own perspective. I said—‘Much as I appreciate your forthright  question, what made you to ask me when your Dad's direction was very clear. 

His prompt reply was “Suppose I become habitual”. Curious to know his thought process I queried what made him think that he would become habitual.  Response revealed his power of observation and  awareness level. It seems he had witnessed gross misbehavior on part of his Dad as well as relatives; violence; abusive language; puking and so on. 

To my question ‘then what do you think should be your choice’? His confident reply was ‘No I will not drink alcohol’.  Seemed satisfied as he walked away with bounce in his stride. 

Having been conditioned to be in advisory mode, most adults underestimate the perceptive ability of teenagers and stack them with piles of advice. Teens simply detest advice!   

Lesson:

·                  Parents and adults need to follow ethical life style to influence the thought process of children growing up as VALUES ARE CAUGHT NOT TAUGHT.

·                  NO ADVICE     

Third Episode

Director of a reputed school  rang up to forewarn that one awkward father would contact for counseling his daughter. On the appointed day Dad, Mom & the Class 12 daughter arrived. Father appeared extremely tense and restless. Mom looked befuddled and the daughter disinterested.  Dad was lugging a bag of documents. He was in charge as evident from his authoritative conduct.

Settling down he pulled out the pile of result cards and mark sheets in support of the girl’s high grade academic performance until Class 8.   Time being at premium during such sessions,  I had to interject requesting him to share his  perspectives and expectations. He understood that I was not interested in academic profile.    He rattled off daughter’s irresponsible behaviours and slide in studies although she had plenty of potential. Mom put in thoughts when prodded. The girl was listening attentively.

To my question how well they knew her, both fumbled on the plea that she does not talk despite encouragement. The daughter, though, quiet seemed enjoying the interaction.  She also appeared more comfortable. They were sharing fluff without substance. When pushed to explain what distracted her focus after class 9, the Dad seemed uncomfortable to share something confidential.  By now his attitude of overconfidence had mellowed.  At this point the daughter was asked to step out.

Sheepishly exchanging glances with his wife for reassurance, he mustered courage to share real stuff.  One particular telephone bill was disproportionately high Rs 5000/- approximately when she was in class 9. Reasons remained unknown until the matter was investigated with help of BSNL.  Seems she had been talking to a stranger by ringing up almost daily disregarding the duration. 

Since then the downslide started. Despite debating talent she had stopped taking part in extracurricular activities.  The worry was regarding her performance in Class 12 board examination few months hence.   Mom shared that she was also in a relationship which compounded the issue. Complimenting the parents for their openness I interacted with the girl alone.

 She took no time in sharing all her hurts and concerns without any reservation. I was impacted by her quality thinking and communication skill. Empathy and compassion   were flowing narrating her extreme hurts with the premature death of her boy friend in an accident. Insensitivity of others including teachers and parents  was more painful to bear. With flowing emotions she bared   her heart. Comfort level had expanded by now to share her part of the narrative regarding high telephone bill.  

Both are working parents and return home in the evening. Reaching home daily after school to an empty house was not a nice experience  for a 13 year old. Watching TV and studying for long hours was much too boring. Once at her Aunt’s place she attended the telephone call. The voice of that 28 year old male enamored her so much that she surreptitiously  noted the contact No and started talking to him regularly after returning from school. She continued to find the voice irresistibly charming and caring. In retrospect, she realized her stupidity in sharing that she was alone at home! Mercifully she was not harmed.   

But for the time constraint this young communicative lady would have continued talking. She regained her lovely composure and grace to thank me profusely for the emotional support.  I  sensed that her process of empowerment had been initiated.

I complimented the parents for having groomed a woman of substance, may be by default. To his question, what should the parents do, I suggested a simple one liner solution—please befriend her. 

Question that follows—how to befriend? Readers may like to suggest.

Feedback from the director was welcome revelation: the ‘awkward Dad’ had transformed! Seems that soon after the session, he had become noticeably courteous. Earlier  he frequently  created acrimonious situation blaming the school authorities for decline in the performance of his daughter. Another instance narrated was that the daughter asked Dad for permission to attend birthday party that could extend beyond twilight.  While readily allowing her, he reposed confidence in her sense of responsibility to ensure her own safety. Daughter was moved!

To change or not is matter of choice irrespective of age provided one is willing to learn.