BOY GIRL RELATIONSHIP SERIAL 1

First Episode 

Doon Youth Centre (DYC) since inception in 2000 has been able to create and maintain youth as well as parent friendly environment.  Supervised by trained and youth friendly adults, both boys and girls felt comfortable sharing their concerns unhesitatingly.   Purposeful and fun-filled activities added flavour for youth to spend quality time at the Centre.

One summer evening I was interacting with few boys and girls when a young boy walked in.  He was looking for Ken who was busy elsewhere.  While talking to me he became emotional discussing his affair with a girl.  At his request we shifted to another room for privacy.  Though from Hindi medium background, he was forthright in baring his heart. 

As narrated, he had been in relationship with the girl for two years. It started when she was 16.  At 18 he was unable to manage hormonal pressure to restrain his urges to be physical; touching and kissing only.   A year and half later, he felt a sense of guilt. In his words—“I thought is our relationship only about touching and kissing? I decided to stop it until we were married.” 

When he shared his decision she burst into tears of joy. Hugged him to say she had the best life partner.  She also admitted that all along she was not comfortable being physical but was unable to say so as she feared losing him. 

Lessons:

1.            When relationship is genuine based on mutual respect & trust   amorous thoughts take back seat.

2.            Sexual urges over power in infatuation when focus is on self satisfaction disregarding partners’ discomfort. 

3.            Initiative could be from either male or female!  

Second Episode

During autumn few years back, we reached a prestigious school outside Dehra Dun to conduct workshop for the teachers on VISION. To be contextual, our focus is to be acquainted with ground realities based on informal interaction and surveys with prior permission of the Management.  To our good fortune, the Principal himself was surprisingly transparent in sharing his thoughts.

Interaction with students was a learning experience. Rapport built in the process allowed them to ask questions on topics relating to emotional struggles.  Enthused they prevailed upon the authorities to arrange informal sessions with us after dinner. All students of Classes 9 to 12 volunteered to attend along with few student-friendly female teachers and the Principal. 

It is to the credit of Staff as well for creating a healthy and enabling environment. Thus comfort level of students kept expanding as evident from the nature of comments/queries. Few samples:

·            Masturbation. Does it cause pimples/shadow below eyes; does it affect the shape of penis as my doctor dad says?

·            Difference between infatuation and love.

Series of amazing session with different classes ended around midnight.  I was returning along with 5 or 6 students of class 11/12. At one stage a handsome young teenager asked—is it right or wrong to talk to girls. Collecting my befuddled thoughts, I looked at his colleagues to respond.  ‘Nothing wrong at all; elders have problem due to generation gap’ were some of the spontaneous comments with confidence.  

The first guy interjected with an explanation.  My confusion is because ‘all my genuine well-wishers like parents, elders & teachers say so. Hence the confusion.’   After listening to him, others were quiet unable to offer cogent reasons. 

Thereafter, while discussing reasons for the concern of well wishers and the consequences, each one was more focused in sharing quality stuff like distractions, physical intimacy, pregnancy, risks of abortion and so on.  Discussion followed on pragmatic measures to guard against such adverse consequences.

Who and how to decide on limits/lakshman rekha veered around to mega understanding of the value of principle-centered life style. To do so, one needed to develop the ability to choose Right over Wrong and healthy sexuality.   We all felt good after that purposeful session. I benefitted immensely listening to them intently.    

   

Third  Episode

During our next visit to the same prestigious school, students were keen on one-on-one interaction to talk about confidential issues mostly concerning girl friends.

One tall boy of Class 11 with imposing personality approached me while we were going for dinner.  On entrance to the dining hall I saw him walking up looking worried.   Emotional distress was evident from his body language and halting expression.  As confessed, he was extremely disturbed due to the sudden change in behavior of his girl friend for two years in that she was no more comfortable kissing.  This abrupt choice had disturbed him so much that nothing interested him any longer. His bright academic profile had nosedived which added to his woes due to multi-pronged criticism/pressures.    

Those days my colleague Kunal was keen on honing his counseling skills. Being young and competent, he had the added advantage of age to be of emotional support to youth.  The distressed student promptly agreed to my suggestion to interact with Kunal.

About an hour later I saw him coming smiling ear to ear. There was bounce and incredible energy in his stride. My curiosity was aroused hearing his comment with conviction—‘Sir I have the best girl friend in the world’.  The underlying message as to the reason for sudden change in his perception needs to be assimilated as lifelong learning.

For developing learning of healthy sexuality & relationship, this episode has been discussed on several occasions. Seldom youth were able to identify the reason for sudden change in attitude of the boy. 

Perception of a Teenager-26^th Dec 2014.   He shared episode of physical intimacy of a teenage girl & boy, both from affluent family. In line with tendency to brag, the incident was made public disregarding her reputation. He concluded with a mega comment—such casual sex destroys inner space of everyone irrespective of gender. This is yet one more lesson taught to me by an 18 year old friend. Feel enriched!        

Lesson.

1)        The boy realized that if she could refuse him disregarding the risk of rejection, she would remain faithful to him forever! His relationship, unlike most cases, was of substance and NOT simply convenience. 

2)        Restraint on physical intimacy until marriage strengthens bonding. 

                         3)     Casual sex destroys everyone internally.