Remember, silence
maintains secrets. Therefore, the sweetest sound is the sound of silence
We need to find
God, and He cannot be found in noise.
God is the friend
of silence. See how nature grows in silence…
We need silence
to be able to touch souls.
Mother Teresa
What prompted me to write
was SOS from a distressed student of Delhi University unable to cope with
loneliness! Whether to quit graduation midway from that
prestigious University and pursue it in a small town college was her churning
dilemma. Insensitive criticism of peers
enhanced her anguish. Her emotional
turmoil refreshed mine!!
Amidst threats and
opportunities of loneliness my learning has been eventful and enriching helping
me to spend my twilight years purposefully. In hind sight I entirely endorse the maxim
“Solitude restores body and mind. Loneliness depletes them”. See link
Looking back, the process of
understanding the significance of those profound words of Mother Teresa started soon after graduating from
Indian Military Academy in 1962. Faced
with the daunting silence of seclusion/isolation, first six months stay at an
inhospitable hilly border area in Jammu & Kashmir dampened my spirit. Patriotic fervor was not enough for
solace.
Roller-coaster feelings of loneliness
were too depressing —vulnerable setting for a hormone-packed adult! Brief informal interactions with my only companion
‘soldier cum sahayak’ helped maintain sanity!
It was my principle-centered upbringing that helped to ward off
temptations—relentless pressures of alcoholism, smoking and dalliance; drugs
were not in fashion those days! Frankly, urges and situations were constantly
pushing my limits! Much as I am proud
of it now, channelizing the surge of feelings then was overwhelming!
During service opportunity
to work with highly competent and empathetic professionals, though very few in
number, was elevating. Guidance of one
such person and his equally caring wife helped making the conscious choice to
remain single when I was just 24. Subsequently,
unsolicited advice from alarmists regarding hazards of loneliness in old age for
want of companionship kept challenging my thoughts and patience for years. It nevertheless was helpful in that I remained
consciously focused on validating the veracity of this perceived consequence. Analysis of real life experiences enabled me
to sieve thru perceptions in discovering the truth!
Certain facts of life
progressively crystallized better understanding. Death being one irrefutable factor, duration
of companionship in any relationship is uncertain. When Didi, my only
companion, expired sympathetic condolences started pouring in. One was
from an Aunt who was close to her. She has been living alone for years despite
old age (over 85) and 6 children! Increase in marital discord/divorce
reinforces the myth of companionship! Sad yet true! Advocates of the ‘hazards of loneliness in
later life’ struggle countering such stark realities.
Seclusion is integral to
life particularly for a bachelor teetotaler!
Being gregarious and relational my friends circle was wide. Yet at
social gatherings, it was a challenge mingling with men-centric majority focused
on drinking and exchanging bawdy innuendos!
Spurts of guffaws at frequent intervals drew curious attention of ladies
as to the content of conversation! Such
supposedly fun-filled parties conveyed emptiness amongst many like me,
especially ladies idling laboriously until the party was over and husbands
returned to escort them home.
Such get-togethers were
neither emotionally or intellectually stimulating for me. Wearing a smile and
mask throughout was arduous. To be honest
I felt lonely in such high profile parties.
“It is possible to be with people and still feel lonely” is so relevant
until one learns the art of ‘being alone without being lonely’; outcome of
solitude!
Situation worsened when
located in difficult areas restricting entertainment opportunities. It was during one such phase that I started
smoking and that too with vengeance scoring 100 cigarettes a day. Better sense prevailed after three months to
reduce it to 40. This choice to deal
with boredom and loneliness lasted 19 years when I had to quit smoking on
medical advice. Nevertheless, asthmatic
bouts, including hospitalization, still remind me the folly of that choice.
I have fond memories of my
bachelor days enjoying the hospitality and trust of colleagues. Listening
to grievances of spouses I could sense with helpless concern intensity of the strain
in their relationship. Blurred
boundaries caused frequent bickering leading to major conflicts on issues as
extreme as adultery. Irony was they were
living together almost as strangers upholding warped understanding of family
‘izzat’ and societal norms! One lady carried unforgiveable grudge for years as
her husband within few days of marriage spent night out attending a stag
party. His urge for space to be with
friends caused irreconcilable differences.
My understanding of ground realities
during the past decade & half has been significant listening to couples
seeking counseling support. Instances are not rare in which discord starts
as early as the nuptial night. In many cases disagreements exploded in public
domain when instances of infidelity surfaced years after marriage. Incompatibility index was rated 99 percent by
a middle aged friend 30 years back in presence of his wife. Since then nothing has changed was the spontaneous comment of a young perceptive husband recently. Yet
the misplaced understanding of ‘companionship’ continues as a reason for advocating
marriage!! Consequence—loneliness!
Life elsewhere in small
towns, cities or metros is no different.
The rat race for success (Money Power Status) kept everyone busy
collecting ‘toys’—material comforts! Work pressure accentuated the stress which
needed immediate solution. Perceived quick fix solution ‘Work Hard Party
Harder’ breached limits of decency; promiscuity and substance abuse have become
‘bragging- benchmarks’! Incredible yet
true that the trend of wife –swapping parties were in fashion as far back as
early 70s to deal with loneliness!
The culture of working parents to augment income has its attended consequences. Latch-key children walk into empty house and to deal with loneliness seek solace in friends struggling with their own emotional baggage. One class 9 boy was pressurized by friends to hand over key of his empty house for dalliance with prostitute.
We need to recognize that
cracks in family pyramid leave behind unhealed scars. Thus most children grow up with empty love
tank. Compounded with insecurities and fears of loneliness children easily
succumb to peer pressure to make harmful choices like infatuation, substance
abuse/sexual misconduct, risk date rape, ‘hookah parlours’, self
harm to name few
To be continued
secluded from the materialistic world......
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