Preface
Feedbacks since Jan 2015,
when the post was written, necessitated publication of this restructured version. Two major points are briefly:
1) 22 year old young man—
Sushant, I have not been able to understand 'Quality of Thinking and Thought Impulse'. In fact,
it was 'rocket science' for me.
2) Use of simpler
words and expressions would help better understanding.
20
Aug 2016, Rape Episode JNU Delhi
Apart from TRP focused
media, gossipmongers and trouble makers thrive on such awful incidents.
Speculations were widespread regarding the conduct of both. Whatever be the
legal outcome, this tragic episode raises a fundamental question—Are these two
M Phil students, age 28, products of Healthy Sexuality?
What is Healthy Sexuality
What is Healthy Sexuality
As stated in Part I, Healthy Sexuality is the totality of being
a male or female on six parameters—Ethically, Physically, Mentally, Emotionally, Relationally,
& Spiritually.
Ethically
Words like family values, morals, scriptures, Indian culture and moral science to explain ethics, values, principles confuse youth. It also generates unending discussions.
One needs to develop clear understanding of Rights & Wrongs having worked thru the logic of 'Why is Right Right and Wrong Wrong'. Fundamental Statement that needs to be internalized by each one—Rights & Wrongs Are Fixed. To read more, access Values/Principles.
Words like family values, morals, scriptures, Indian culture and moral science to explain ethics, values, principles confuse youth. It also generates unending discussions.
One needs to develop clear understanding of Rights & Wrongs having worked thru the logic of 'Why is Right Right and Wrong Wrong'. Fundamental Statement that needs to be internalized by each one—Rights & Wrongs Are Fixed. To read more, access Values/Principles.
Physically
Self image regarding one's physical
features like complexion, looks, height, weight, shape of sense organs, hair,
voice, and so on. Almost 90 % teenagers
are not satisfied with their looks.
Pimples, complexion or weight could be a huge burden. Hence they crave for reassurance and
unconditional love of parents.
Once a class 8 boy wanted to know how to be taller as he thought girls like tall guys!
One bright 17 year old girl carried the burden of dark complexion from class 7 when classmates labeled her 'काली कलूटी बैंगन लूटी'।
Mentally
It is all about
'How One Thinks'. For better
understanding of its significance, study the u/m chart:
 |
| Courtesy Ms Meera Handa |
On How One Thinks: Real
Life Examples. I Am Not Good Enough; Success Means Money, Power & Status; Work Hard Party
Harder; Social Drinking is OK; Smoking & Doing Drugs are Cool; Cheating and
Abusing are OK; Nothing Wrong with चलता है Approach; Everyone is
Corrupt, Why Should I be Different; Boys
Don't Cry; I Can Do It; I Am Unique; Eve
Teasing is Fun; Virginity is a Non Issue;
EQ is OK to Talk About, What Matters is IQ; Fun Life Girl is not for Marriage;
Boy/Girl Friend Enhances Self Image; Marriage is a Gamble; It’s a Life of
Compromises and so on.
As stated
earlier, Thoughts and Choice/Behavior are inter-related.
Emotionally
It
signifies 'How I Feel' 24/7. In other words, an individual's state of feelings
within. It could be Positive/Negative or Happy/Sad. Thoughts and Feelings too are interconnected. To
state in equation form:
Positive
Thoughts—Happy Feelings—Good Behavior…To read more, access Feelings Cycle
Relationally
Develop the skill to maintain
healthy relationship, both intra and inter personal. It leads to an obvious
question: How to do so? Let us walk thru a process of self-questioning to
discover one's relationship-building skill:
What major qualities
do I look for in a friend?
Answer Trustworthy, Respectful, EmpatheticCompassionate, Nonjudgmental,
Transparent, Dependable
Do I possess those qualities? Answer would reveal the skill
Nuggets to Remember—
No
Offensive Language; Be Friendly NOT Familiar; Respect Space and Choice of Each
Other ; No Possessiveness; Ability to Say NO; No Compromise; Discuss on Win-Win
mode; Means Matter NOT End; Lust-Centric Relationship is Temporary; Decide
Non-Negotiables.
·
TRUST
is acronym to evaluate the quality of relationship based on mutual rating on
each factor out of point count of 10
Trust
Respect
Understanding
Transparency in communication
Spiritually
This
paragraph has been rephrased on 25 Apr 2020 as per feedback from a friend--"Please
help me to understand the spiritual sexuality. I went thru it but didn't
understand". To her Spiritual means "Being free from the attachment
with the materials or physical things". Rereading the paragraph, I found
merit in her doubt. To keep the revised text realistic, I approached few
friends to share their perspective. Excerpts:—
'Spirituality is a connection with supreme power or God. ....a
belief that gives hope; key source of bliss within our own self; belief
in a force beyond sense perception, essence being kindness, forgiveness, love,
peace; being free from materialism; rope that binds soul with purity; one's
connection with the universe; living with purpose of life; my very existence in the world as a
being'
Materialistic Dimension. Our experiential
learning from childhood is based on triangular interplay of three factors:
1.
Five
Sense Perception: Sight (Eyes), Hearing
(Ears), Taste (Tongue), Smell (Nose), and Touch (Sensatory).
2.
Primary/Physiological
Needs: Air, Water, Food, Shelter, Safety,
Sex.
3.
Innate
Human Weaknesses:
काम
(Lust),
क्रोध (Anger), लोभ (Greed), मोह
(Attachment) & अहंकार (Ego)
Spiritualistic Dimension. Quest to
develop better awareness of the unexplored world starts when one transcends the
materialistic dimension.
How to Transcend?
Internalizing
the stated six parameters through practice
Why Sexually Excluded?
Sexual essentially
means characteristic of sex or the sex organs. Simply put, it signifies gender identity.
So when does a person become sexual? This question invariably caused confusion
and conjectures like puberty, teens, age 5 and so on. Unsure of the answer, I was as confused at 60.
Fact is, a child is sexual on conception
as zygote is either male or female.
Psychology
of Thinking
Thoughts and Feelings occupy
our headspace 24/7. As per Destiny Flow Chart above, all actions and choices
emerge out of Quality of Thinkin-Feelings-Thought
Impulse. Point to note: out of the three hyphenated elements, choice
stems from the Quality of Thought Impulse (Positive/Negative) at that precise moment.
Quality
of Thinking
It means positive or
negative thinking which, in turn, has bearing on the Quality of Feelings &
Thought Impulse. Notably, one's Response
to Situation depends entirely on the Quality of Thinking/Thought Impulse . For
better understanding, study the model below.
Real Life Example-Quality of Thinking
One morning, 17 year old Helen (name changed), called
up to share her intense discomfort due to abdominal cramps. It had relapsed after a year. Diagnosis
after medical tests previous year was 'psychological'. Approaching examinations
had enhanced her anguish. Her burden of sexual abuse was the cause last year. She
confessed that the baggage was no longer there after her sessions with me. Hence she was confused as to the
reasons.
As she had shared her relationship struggles with
parents, I challenged her to rethink. The telephonic interaction of nearly an
hour allowed her to share other concerns too.
Discussion ended with her decision to consult a good physician.
In the evening her email conveyed relief and joy
while thanking me generously to say—‘you are a magician’. Humbling input!
‘गंदी
बात (Bad Thing)'
Syndrome
A major hindrance in development
of Healthy Sexuality is this Syndrome. Out
of all the systems, Reproductive System is loaded with weird perceptions. ‘गंदी बात' is uttered
spontaneously to discourage kids from asking questions remotely connected with
sexuality. Sensing parental discomfort, children grow up in silence. Yet rattled
by hormonal pressure and curiosity, they grope for information accessing unfiltered
and unhealthy sources—media, peers & internet. Most damaging yet widely used resource is
pornography, available 24/7 on Net, CDs & Mobiles.
Parents,
wearing cultural mask of ‘गंदी बात' (Bad Thing), render their precious children exposed to
serious risks and pressure of teenage issues—Sexual Abuse, Peer Pressure, Limits in Boy-Girl relationship, Eve Teasing,
Masturbation, Nocturnal Emission, Substance Abuse, Pornography, Sexual Contact,
HIV and Sexually Transmitted Deceases.
Raw
Sex at Khajurao Temples
I have seen hordes of
tourists comfortably viewing the carvings of explicit sex. They merrily walked
around without inhibition with children amidst rawest form of carnal postures on display.
What then is ‘‘गंदी बात' (Bad Thing)’? It is not in Art or Learning the reproductive
system but in how one Thinks. Such as:
·
Eve Teasing,
Gender Bias, Rape, Infanticide, Pornography, Incest, Sexual Abuse, Promiscuity,
Stalking, Sexual Violence, Pedophiles, Voyeurism, Phone Sex, Exposing Genitals,
Urinating in Public and so on
·
Once
during discussion, to a question as to what percentage of males respect women,
both genders rated it to be shamefully low.
One teenage girl of DAV College Dehradun awarded zero rating. They also observed noticeable erosion in the
attitude of women.
How To Use this Gift of the Creator
For this, one needs to learn the miraculous design in a safe and healthy environment guided by well-equipped Parents, Teachers & Facilitators.
For this, one needs to learn the miraculous design in a safe and healthy environment guided by well-equipped Parents, Teachers & Facilitators.
In the ultimate analysis, quality
awareness during formative years and adolescence would initiate the development
of empowered young men & women.
Confession—My learning started at 60 listening to well
structured PPT presentation by Ken!!
Consequences
Seldom a day passes without
incidents of inhuman behavior such as rape, incest, bride burning, acid
attacks, sexual abuse, corruption and so on. Unhealthy Sexuality breeds pathologically
sick minds—2 Sep 2016, Eleven Month Old Baby Raped For Two Hours in Delhi by a 36 Year Old Psychopath.
My Vision
I venture to summarize my vision with Rudyard Kipling's
classic poem 'IF' in my words:
If parents could
nurture pristine kids with unconditional love,
And
open communication, demolishing traditional barriers like taboo topics,
And
groom them imbuing virtues thru adolescence.
If
teachers could be facilitators with inspiring life style
And
be role models for students to emulate,
If
this world be of 'humans for humanity' with healthy sexuality,
All
of us could rejoice in saying with pride,
If
there is a place called heaven,
It
is here, it is here, it is here....
