PROLOGUE
Overview
Having heard victims baring
their heart over 15 years and the complex psychological dimensions, I
discovered how little we know about human psyche. Formal education I think
tends to generalize human behavior based on bland statistical data! While facilitating victims of sexual abuse in
negotiating emotional struggles, I have observed diverse response despite experiences being similar.
In this context Deepak Chopra’s recent concept of ‘Quantum Healing’ makes
immense sense as each one is unique.
I received training in non-directive
counseling, evolved by Samaritans International since 1953. We were cautioned
‘Never Advise’. No appendage of educational degrees was an added advantage for
me to soak in. Relevance of this
technique crystallized reading views of Dr M Scott Peck, renowned
psychotherapist on the qualities of a
psychotherapist in his book The Road Less Travelled.
Excerpt—“Who
is a competent psychotherapist? Several readers have written to inquire how one
should go about choosing the right therapist, distinguishing between the
competent and the incompetent. It is one of the most important decisions you
can make in your lifetime. Psychotherapy is a major investment, not only of
your money but even more of your valuable time & energy……. Usually on the basis
of a single interview with a therapist, you will be able to pick up either good
or bad vibes. But more important than anything else is whether the therapist is
a genuinely caring person. A therapist’s
ability bears very little relationship to any credentials he/she might
have. Love & courage & wisdom
cannot be certified by academic degrees. A psychiatrist is not necessarily any
better a therapist than a psychologist, a social worker or a minister— or even
as good. Indeed two of the very greatest therapists I know have never even
graduated from college”.
This pragmatic and powerful
tool allowed psychological space to counselees to work out solutions at their own
pace as emotional burden of feelings ebbed. Having bungled one session I learnt—‘emotionally
disturbed counselee is too charged to
receive any suggestion/advice at the initial
stage’.
To recap, soon after
training I was anxious to provide counseling support. One afternoon a Class 8 girl rang up helpline No and shared
her concern—“there is one boy in my tuition class. I like him very much. But he
doesn’t talk to me. What should I do?” Spontaneous
thought was to advise—caution prompted No Advice. As time was running out, I could
not think of anything other than—“At your age what do you think you should be
doing?” While uttering those words I was
fully aware they were loaded with advice. Roll back was not possible. The girl
responded—I know I should be studying but…” and dropped the receiver; utterly
disappointed I am sure. It took me few days to shed the guilt and concern as to
choices she could make to deal with her emotional baggage of infatuation. I
could only hope that she did not take any extreme step. That fiasco strengthened my resolve to
practice and hone the skill. It took me nearly one full year to start
counseling, more appropriately facilitating.
As a survivor I am aware of
the hurts and confusion that I endured for years in a culturally closed society
on denial mode. We need to encourage ourselves to be
extremely sensitive to the dynamics of
Sexual Abuse—wide spread malady that destroys psyche of victims yet societal response
continues to be apathetic. Ironically,
even parents, with childhood scars, tend to value family izzat more than that of their own progeny. Why?
One 17 year old girl shared
her hurt of rape by stalking uncle. To others including her parents she said
‘molestation’ otherwise her mother would have committed suicide. This was the
understanding she had of her mother’s value of ‘Izzat’. Another sad
perspective shared by almost all the victims—‘I cannot talk to Mom or Dad
because they would not believe and may even blame me”. Strange to discover that parents do not trust
their own kids. Perhaps, as a society
we need to introspect as to the quality of our relationship despite all the
ritualistic belief and celebrations!
What is Sexual
Abuse?
My understanding of sexual
abuse—‘Any disrespectful behavior having sexual under or overtone that hurts
feelings be it childhood games (ghar-ghar, doctor-doctor, fondling private
parts even my parents), eve teasing, comments, overtures, blank calls, cyber in
puts to as extreme as rape/murder’.
However, formalized version of
it is:
a)
Rape/Sodomy,
b)
Touching/Fondling,
c)
Forced Exhibition of Private Parts
d)
Photographing Nudity
e)
Kissing
f)
Showing Pornography
Real Life Feedbacks. Survivors of sexual abuse have learnt to live
with experiences brimming with uncomfortable feelings for want of empathetic listeners.
Empathy and compassion are hallmarks of Doon Youth Centre (DYC), where focus is
on building quality relationship. Thus survivors were encouraged to share
undiluted experiences. Few are:
1)
Stranger called up a land line number and
engaged the lady in routine conversation.
Sensing that he was masturbating while talking, she disconnected. Aghast at his shameless act.
2)
A young mother with her small kids took short
cut walking thru a lonely patch. She suddenly realized a stalker following. Turning
around she saw him stroking himself fully exposed.
3)
Harrowing experiences of a young woman with
blank calls and dirty SMS. Embarrassing questions for titillation by police official
were even worse.
4)
Attempt at body contact and groping in crowded
places including temples.
5)
A guy waited to expose himself whenever the
lady went to the roof.
6)
Predilection of most male—crotch scratching!
Who are the
Predators/Abusers?
General consensus is someone who is well known to the family to include
parents, siblings, relatives without any age bar, doctors, servants, teachers,
government officials and so on. In short any one with unhealthy sexuality. No wonder the word incest finds place in the
dictionary.
Why Talk About Sexual Abuse? Mercifully this issue was brought in public
domain on 13 May 2012 when episode Child Sexual Abuse received national
coverage in Satyamev Jayate.
For better understanding please read my articles on Healthy Sexuality in this blog.
For better understanding please read my articles on Healthy Sexuality in this blog.
How Serious is This Issue? Statistics:
Source
Male
Female Total
a)
National Survey 2007 53%
b)
Workshop by experts
28
Dec 2014 Dehradun 16% 25%
c)
Stats shared at DYC
by
youth 70% 90%
As to the credibility of
stats, I would go along with figures shared at DYC by youth, both males and
females, as sharing of real answers is encouraged here. Readers comments would allow more comprehensive understanding.
To
be contd
I recall the time i was in class 6 and an employee in a govt office behind my home came to the roof often and if i was there (usually studying in the sun during vacations) , he exposed his penis started masturbating.
ReplyDeleteI then thought he used to scratch his crotch, which was really creepy, but now when i thought about it, i immediately understood how sick he was.