HEALTHY SEXUALITY PART II (RESTRUCTERED)

Preface 

Feedbacks since Jan 2015, when the post was written, necessitated publication of this restructured  version.  Two major points are briefly: 

            1)  22 year old young man—

 Sushant, I have not been able to understand  'Quality of Thinking and Thought Impulse'. In fact, it was 'rocket science' for me.

 

2) Use of simpler words and expressions would help better understanding.

20 Aug 2016, Rape Episode JNU Delhi

Apart from TRP focused media, gossipmongers and trouble makers thrive on such awful incidents. Speculations were widespread regarding the conduct of both. Whatever be the legal outcome, this tragic episode raises a fundamental question—Are these two M Phil students, age 28, products of Healthy Sexuality?

What is Healthy Sexuality

As stated in Part I, Healthy Sexuality is the totality of being a male or female on six parameters—Ethically, Physically, Mentally, Emotionally, Relationally, &  Spiritually.

Ethically

            Words like family values, morals, scriptures, Indian culture and moral science to explain ethics, values, principles confuse youth. It also generates unending discussions.

            One needs to develop clear understanding of Rights & Wrongs having worked thru the logic of  'Why is Right Right and Wrong Wrong'. Fundamental Statement that needs to be internalized by each one—Rights & Wrongs Are Fixed. To read more, access Values/Principles.
   

Physically

Self image regarding one's physical features like complexion, looks, height, weight, shape of sense organs, hair, voice, and so on.  Almost 90 % teenagers are not satisfied with their looks.  Pimples, complexion or weight could be a huge burden.  Hence they crave for reassurance and unconditional love of parents.

Once a class 8 boy wanted to know how to be taller as he thought girls like tall guys! 

One bright 17 year old girl carried the burden of dark complexion from class 7 when classmates labeled her 'काली कलूटी बैंगन लूटी'। 

 

Mentally

It is all about 'How One Thinks'.  For better understanding of its significance, study the u/m chart: 

                                                                  Courtesy Ms Meera Handa

           Each one is a product of own thoughts! To quote James Allen, renowned British Philosopher, (1864-1912)—A man is literally what he thinks, his character being the complete sum of his thoughts". 

  

On How One Thinks: Real Life Examples.   I Am Not Good Enough; Success Means Money, Power & Status; Work Hard Party Harder; Social Drinking is OK; Smoking & Doing Drugs are Cool; Cheating and Abusing are OK; Nothing Wrong with चलता है Approach; Everyone is Corrupt, Why Should I be Different;  Boys Don't Cry; I  Can Do It; I Am Unique; Eve Teasing is Fun;  Virginity is a Non Issue; EQ is OK to Talk About, What Matters is IQ; Fun Life Girl is not for Marriage; Boy/Girl Friend Enhances Self Image; Marriage is a Gamble; It’s a Life of Compromises and so on.  

As stated earlier, Thoughts and Choice/Behavior are inter-related.

Emotionally

It signifies 'How I Feel' 24/7. In other words, an individual's state of feelings within. It could be Positive/Negative or Happy/Sad.  Thoughts and Feelings too are interconnected. To state in equation form:  

Positive Thoughts—Happy Feelings—Good Behavior…To read more, access Feelings Cycle

Relationally

Develop the skill to maintain healthy relationship, both intra and inter personal. It leads to an obvious question: How to do so? Let us walk thru a process of self-questioning to discover one's relationship-building skill: 

What major qualities do I look for in a friend? 

                Answer                                                                       Trustworthy, Respectful, Empathetic
                                                                                                        Compassionate, Nonjudgmental,    
                                                                                                         Transparent, Dependable 
              
               Do I possess those qualities?                              Answer would reveal the skill 

                                                                                                         

Nuggets to Remember—

            No Offensive Language; Be Friendly NOT Familiar; Respect Space and Choice of Each Other ; No Possessiveness; Ability to Say NO; No Compromise; Discuss on Win-Win mode; Means Matter NOT End; Lust-Centric Relationship is Temporary; Decide Non-Negotiables.

·            TRUST is acronym to evaluate the quality of relationship based on mutual rating on each factor out of point count of 10

Trust

Respect

Understanding

S/Commitment

Transparency in communication

Spiritually  

This paragraph has been rephrased on 25 Apr 2020 as per feedback from a friend--"Please help me to understand the spiritual sexuality. I went thru it but didn't understand". To her Spiritual means "Being free from the attachment with the materials or physical things". Rereading the paragraph, I found merit in her doubt. To keep the revised text realistic, I approached few friends to share their perspective. Excerpts:—

'Spirituality is a connection with supreme power or God. ....a belief that gives hope; key source of bliss within our own self; belief in a force beyond sense perception, essence being kindness, forgiveness, love, peace; being free from materialism; rope that binds soul with purity; one's connection with the universe; living with purpose of life; my very existence in the world as a being' 

Materialistic Dimension.  Our experiential learning from childhood is based on triangular interplay of three factors:

1.                Five Sense Perception: Sight (Eyes), Hearing (Ears), Taste (Tongue), Smell (Nose), and Touch (Sensatory).

2.               Primary/Physiological Needs: Air, Water, Food, Shelter, Safety, Sex.

3.               Innate Human Weaknesses:  काम (Lust), क्रोध (Anger), लोभ (Greed), मोह (Attachment) & अहंकार (Ego)

               Spiritualistic Dimension. Quest to develop better awareness of the unexplored world starts when one transcends the materialistic dimension.   

            How to Transcend?

Internalizing the stated six parameters through practice

Why Sexually Excluded?
 

Sexual essentially means characteristic of sex or the sex organs. Simply put, it signifies gender identity. So when does a person become sexual? This question invariably caused confusion and conjectures like puberty, teens, age 5 and so on.  Unsure of the answer, I was as confused at 60.  Fact is, a child is sexual on conception as zygote is either male or female.

Psychology of Thinking

Thoughts and Feelings occupy our headspace 24/7. As per Destiny Flow Chart above, all actions and choices emerge out of Quality of Thinkin-Feelings-Thought Impulse. Point to note: out of the three hyphenated elements, choice stems from the Quality of Thought Impulse (Positive/Negative) at that precise moment. 

 Quality of Thinking

It means positive or negative thinking which, in turn, has bearing on the Quality of Feelings & Thought Impulse.  Notably, one's Response to Situation depends entirely on the Quality of Thinking/Thought Impulse . For better understanding, study the model below.

Real Life Example-Quality of Thinking 

One morning, 17 year old Helen (name changed), called up to share her intense discomfort due to abdominal cramps.   It had relapsed after a year. Diagnosis after medical tests previous year was 'psychological'. Approaching examinations had enhanced her anguish. Her burden of sexual abuse was the cause last year. She confessed that the baggage was no longer there after her sessions with me.  Hence she was confused as to the reasons. 

As she had shared her relationship struggles with parents, I challenged her to rethink. The telephonic interaction of nearly an hour allowed her to share other concerns too.  Discussion ended with her decision to consult a good physician.

In the evening her email conveyed relief and joy while thanking me generously to say—‘you are a magician’. Humbling input! 

‘गंदी बात (Bad Thing)' Syndrome

A major hindrance in development of Healthy Sexuality is this Syndrome.  Out of all the systems, Reproductive System is loaded with weird perceptions.  ‘गंदी बात' is uttered spontaneously to discourage kids from asking questions remotely connected with sexuality. Sensing parental discomfort, children grow up in silence. Yet rattled by hormonal pressure and curiosity, they grope for information accessing unfiltered and unhealthy sources—media, peers & internet.  Most damaging yet widely used resource is pornography, available 24/7 on Net, CDs & Mobiles.  

Parents, wearing cultural mask of  ‘गंदी बात' (Bad Thing), render their precious children exposed to serious risks and pressure of teenage issues—Sexual  Abuse, Peer Pressure,  Limits in Boy-Girl relationship, Eve Teasing, Masturbation, Nocturnal Emission, Substance Abuse, Pornography, Sexual Contact, HIV and Sexually Transmitted Deceases.  

    

Raw Sex at Khajurao Temples 

I have seen hordes of tourists comfortably viewing the carvings of explicit sex. They merrily walked around without inhibition with children amidst  rawest form of carnal postures on display. What then is ‘‘गंदी बात' (Bad Thing)’? It is not in Art or Learning the reproductive system but in how one Thinks. Such as:

·                Eve Teasing, Gender Bias, Rape, Infanticide, Pornography, Incest, Sexual Abuse, Promiscuity, Stalking, Sexual Violence, Pedophiles, Voyeurism, Phone Sex, Exposing Genitals, Urinating in Public  and so on

·                Once during discussion, to a question as to what percentage of males respect women, both genders rated it to be shamefully low.  One teenage girl of DAV College Dehradun awarded zero rating.  They also observed noticeable erosion in the attitude of women. 

  

How To Use this Gift of the Creator

           For this, one needs to learn the miraculous design in a safe and healthy environment guided by well-equipped Parents, Teachers & Facilitators.  

In the ultimate analysis, quality awareness during formative years and adolescence would initiate the development of empowered young men & women. 

Confession—My learning started at 60 listening to well structured PPT presentation by Ken!!

Consequences

Seldom a day passes without incidents of inhuman behavior such as rape, incest, bride burning, acid attacks, sexual abuse, corruption and so on. Unhealthy Sexuality breeds pathologically sick minds—2 Sep 2016, Eleven Month Old Baby Raped For Two Hours in Delhi  by a 36 Year Old Psychopath. 

   

My Vision 

I venture to summarize my vision with Rudyard Kipling's classic poem 'IF' in my words:

If parents could nurture pristine kids with unconditional love,

And open communication, demolishing traditional barriers like taboo topics,

And groom them imbuing virtues thru adolescence.

If teachers could be facilitators with inspiring life style

And be role models for students to emulate,

If this world be of 'humans for humanity' with healthy sexuality,

All of us could rejoice in saying with pride,

If there is a place called heaven,

It is here, it is here, it is here....