BOY GIRL RELATIONSHIP SERIAL 2

BREACH OF TRUST

ATTEMPTED RAPE

Preface  

Semantics of love suggest it has different connotations—unconditional love, puppy love, true love, love for God/parents/soul mate/friends/spouse/sibling.  In this cobweb of perceptions, we need to have clear understanding of the ‘Fact’—what is Love?  

Competitive environment and unethical life style generally and within families override the innate human value of compassion and empathy; crucial pre-requisites of love.  Children grow up with no understanding on its sublime dimensions.  Devoid of sensitivity, the line demarcating love and infatuation becomes imperceptibly blurred in teenage. Messy adolescence grooms egoistic adults focused on having their pound of flesh. In short, they learn to Take not Give.  Consequences:  disturbing social indicators are right on our face—promiscuous life style, unwed pregnancies, rapes stage-managed by boy friend, matrimonial discord, domestic violence and so on. In short, all conceivable social ills! 

Inputs From Two Ladies,  10 Jan 2015. Both of them are happily married with children.  When asked what percentage of marriages are compatible, promptly replied—‘very low’. 

Seems the most crucial bonding factor, ‘love’ in marriage, is missing.  Use and understanding of this word while listening to others young and old, has stirred more questions. To many love can only be sensed/felt and cannot be rationalized! Is it a fact or perception?  

Reading ‘7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey’, his explanation on love made a lot of sense to me.  What is Love?

 

 Excerpt reproduced:    

“Love is a verb. Love—the feeling—is a fruit of love, the verb. So love her. Serve her.  Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. …….in the great literature of all progressive societies, love is a verb.  Reactive people make it a feeling. ……..Hollywood has generally scripted us to believe that we are not responsible, that we are product of our feelings. But the Hollywood script does not describe the reality. If our feelings control our actions, it is because we have abdicated our responsibility and empowered them to do so.

Proactive people make love a verb. Love is something  you do: the sacrifices you make, the giving of self, like a mother bringing a newborn into the world………..Love is a value that is actualized through loving actions. Proactive people subordinate feelings to values. Love, the feeling, can be recaptured.”    

   

               I am inclined to think  Love, common denominator in any relationship,  is simply a word. Merely saying ‘it’ would be meaningless without:

                    a)    Trust, 
             
               b)    Respect,
             
               c)     Understanding to include Empathy & Compassion 
             
               d)    Commitment,  
               e)    Transparent communication

Ensuing real life narrative amply captures the consequence of blurred understanding of love.       

The Incident—Attempted Rape

At the outset readers may take note that this attempt was made after relationship of 9 years!  

One perceptive young girl visited DYC regulalry. Interaction with her was refreshingly challenging. Rooted in values her quality of thinking was noticeably different.  Forever curious seeking cogent answers to searching questions.  

Interestingly she was forthright in sharing views even on taboo topic when sure of  her safety and dignity.  Listening to her experiences in early teens on the shoddy teaching on ‘birds & bees’ in a all girls’ school was welcome learning for me.  The content and method did not help as it was not age specific and much too vague.  Discomfort of the teacher while teaching made matters worse as the students were distracted and felt even more uncomfortable.  The session concluded leaving students more confused and curious to unravel the mystery of reproductive system. This was reinforced by two young ladies, now married with children, of the same school few days back!  

She was always an asset during the group discussions (GD) as her knowledgeable inputs were straight and thought-provoking. Fluent communication skill added spice with her presence. I recall discussion on rape once. As she walked in a guy sharing views on solutions suggested: the rapist should be made to marry the victim.  Aghast sensing his insensitivity she vehemently disagreed—‘what makes you think the girl would be OK marrying her rapist’? That loud and clear retort had sobering effect on all to rethink from the perspective of a victim mauled by someone with sick mind!  

One afternoon she came in looking majorly distressed wanting to talk. As  newly trained facilitator on learning curve then, I felt challenged as well as humbled with her choice.  Sensing the urgency, I conceded to her request with tad trepidation. She was not her usual self devoid of cheerfulness and vibrancy. Overwhelmed with emotions she settled down to talk avoiding eye contact. By just sitting next to her,  allowed her emotional space while she was sobbing and wiping tears rolling down. Prompts of comfort to talk when ready helped her to regain composure.   

With barely audible voice her opening comment was—my boy friend attempted to rape me. Unable to reconcile to his breach of trust after 9 years of relationship, enhanced her agony. ‘How could or why did he’ were questions that kept haunting and surging her  emotions.    

Her major apprehension was possible pregnancy. Assurance of the gynecologist after examination failed to assuage her feelings. She somehow seemed convinced of her apprehension. To alleviate her concern, the Doctor had prescribed date rape medicine too. Encouraged to think, she was unable to explain tangible reasons, yet kept repeating the anxiety gnawing her.  

As a rookie facilitator in non-directive counseling, I was tossing between helplessness and innate concern to be of support to this young lady in immense pain. It was my maiden experience dealing with such a heavy issue. Conscious of the sensitivity and gender limitation, my predicament was how much of the wound should be opened up? I had taken her permission to be open  and allowed her the option to respond to question.   

I found her comfortable describing the episode in general terms like ‘attempt of rape, molestation, tried to disrobe’.  Her narrative in context of the doctors’ assurance ruling out rape needed clarity to ascertain whether penetration had taken place.  How to proceed on this sensitive aspect enabling her to verbalize was my quandary! 

Admittedly, at that juncture I felt ill-equipped to support her further. However, with prayers on my lips, relying on my gut feeling and commitment to help, I risked asking a direct question hesitatingly--“was there penetration”? The effect was encouraging as she seemed more comfortable sharing—“No, but he had ejaculated on my thigh and that her friend, who was under some pharmaceutical training, had told her semen on thigh could lead to pregnancy’.  This input from a trusted friend unnerved her to draw conclusion ignoring even the assurance of a qualified doctor.

Openness in  discussion thereafter restored her comfort level. She made a powerful choice in that she would face the outcome without abortion if needed. That was a mega comment. She resolved to wait until her periods almost 20 days later.  Meanwhile she permitted me to check out from my doctor friend the correct procedure for conducting pregnancy test.  This I did and informed her the following day sharing his caution too—‘she should manage her stress. Otherwise periods may be delayed causing more distress’. She appeared composed when the session ended.  

It was a sweltering afternoon that day when she walked in bubbling. Hugging me she said Sushant good news, all is well and a big thank you for the support.  

I grabbed that opportunity to educate myself with her feedback—please share how was the session? She was all praise as I was there listening to her. Elucidating how did she know I was there, replied ‘your eyes were focused on me right thru’. That day I learnt  the importance of eyes in listening.  

We are still great friends and I continue to benefit from her  well thought thru feedbacks whenever we meet. 

            Big Thank you to My Friend.