BOY GIRL RELATIONSHIP SERIAL 3

    

PROLOGUE

       Is Boy-Girl Relationship an Issue?

Parents. Parents and elderly fumble with generalities when asked to share their perspective on this issue.  Undoubtedly parents are the best well-wishers but not adequately equipped in parenting skills. Children do not find them approachable to discuss personal matters especially on birds and bees. Please read the post ‘Healthy Sexuality’.  

 

Students. Whenever asked whether boy-girl relationship was an issue replied—Not at all. But the teachers make it an issue out of non-issue;  angrily concluding they suffer from phobia:

a)          CCTV cameras have been  installed  to spy on us as if we are criminals.

b)          Class 9 girl—teacher recently rebuked a guy for poor performance in the class: your hand writing is bad because you talk to girls too much. 

c)          Students are constantly checked even for simple hair style/dress.

         

 When asked what percentage of boys and girls are affected by it,  95 per cent is the prompt reply normally from students of Classes 7 to 12.  Thereafter, they peevishly admit—it is a major issue.  This opens up window for students to seek counseling support from us. 

 

Research.  Extensive research based on real feedback from students Class 6 to 12 from more than 20 schools revealed disturbing facts:

a)            Lack self discipline

b)            Lack of confidence

c)            Low self esteem

d)            Poor decision making ability

e)            No understanding of values 
f)             Around 80 percent discuss personal issues with friends.

g)            Students do not talk to Teachers/Fathers. Negligible number talk to Mothers.      

  

 Consequences

   

 Real life instances only corroborated the research findings. Huge burden of emotional baggage, compounded by pressure of discipline/performance, rattled teenagers. In emotional vacuum of no adult support from teachers/parents, their empty love tank pushes them into unhealthy relationship. Thus rendering them vulnerable to reactive choices: self-harm, suicidal thoughts, poor academic performance, substance abuse, promiscuous life and so on.    

Students graduate from school with low Emotional Quotient (EQ); ill-equipped to deal with challenges of freedom, loneliness, temptations, ragging etc they head for selected colleges burdened with parental expectation. Unshackled, there the temptations are more compelling. Credible  feedbacks specify  unfettered indulgence by students in all colleges including prestigious institutions like IITs, IIMs, Medical Colleges and National Law Colleges .  Latest was from a very high caliber young man studying in a world class institution.

Overall outcome is students are loaded with unmanageable level of emotional stress  On 22 Jan 2015 one of our ex studens, now in a prestigious college, called up seeking emotional support. Expressed his concern regarding the all pervasive rot destroying young boys and girls of that ‘reputed’ college. Painful story of his demeaning and disastrous relationship has been  narrated subsequently    

After more than seven years this student in distress thought of us for support. It was to fill such void in emotional support that Doon Youth Centre (DYC) was founded.  Encouraging confirmation of our Unique Objective/Vision.

Vision of DYC

  Empowerment and lifelong transformation of youth imbued with Character and Competence to attain purpose of life.  We needed to be equally unique in pursuing that vision.

DYC environment is such that teenagers or for that matter anyone walking-in feel unconditionally loved, trusted and secure. This uniqueness is created by the facilitators wherever sessions are conducted be it at the Centre, Class Rooms, or any other location. 15 years nurturing has been rewarding in that almost the entire fraternity appreciates its uniqueness that has helped fostering camaraderie & lifelong relationship. 

 

At 75 I feel honoured as well as humbled when  young men and women revive contact after years and spend hours sharing real life experiences and fond memories—inexpressible feelings soaring dizzy heights!  

      What is Empowerment?

Self Discipline. With clear understanding of ethics/virtues, develop the ability to choose Right over Wrong while making choices in life.

Proactive Response.  Ability to choose response to situations based on values/happy feelings and logical analysis of consequences. It is a winners’ response. Opposite to that is Reactive or Impulsive Response overwhelmed by sad feelings with adverse consequences. It is LOSE-LOSE response.

Methodology

Trained in non-directive counseling and interactive mode of teaching, team of committed facilitators has been conducting life skills classes in different schools.   

Real NOT Right Answers.  Almost everyone grows up programmed to give ‘Right’ answers. How are you draws a spontaneous response ‘Fine’ though one may be simmering with anger internally due to unfair criticism.  Life is not virtual but real. We have evolved techniques to motivate students to be Real. Otherwise teaching of life skills would not be beneficial.  Students love it.   

 

Mode of Learning. Learning of students is more important than teaching. Image of teachers should be that of a facilitator (friendly teacher).  Interactive mode of learning and enabling environment thus created allow students to validate their own perception.  Interaction allows healthy discussion as against debate/dialogue 

Being Friendly.  One misplaced understanding is that friendliness breeds familiarity. The dividing line between friendliness and familiarity may be thin yet distinct. Why only students, everyone likes to interact with someone who is friendly. In fact one needs to guard against familiarity as it breeds ‘contempt’.

Interactive Mode.  Generally the trend of interaction in this competitive environment is I WIN-YOU LOSE. Consequence—mistrust, selfishness, fragile relationship to name few.  In short everyone loses. DYC encourages WIN-WIN Mode of cooperative learning which allows participants to internalize empathy and compassion forming part of their attitude.

Uniqueness.   This time tested method, evolved over 15 years, is unique as per repeated feedbacks from erstwhile students. Innovations to make the teaching progressive and contextual have enhanced its uniqueness bearing the stamp of  DYC.  

Attitudinal Change.  95 percent students affected by boy-girl relationship is a behavior stemming from unhealthy attitude rooted in unhealthy sexuality.  The techniques evolved helped us develop skills that enable youth to make self-correction in attitude at their pace.

MOLESTATION BY GIRL FRIEND (HIS STORY)

One day I received innocuous message on Face Book from a young man studying in a prestigious institution. In due course it transpired he was an ex student who fondly recalled our life skills classes while in school. It felt nice to hear from an ex student almost seven years later that he still remembered those classes!  

 

Rattled by emotional upheavals he chose to seek counseling support from us still reposing trust in our relationship despite counseling facilities existing there.   Haltingly yet with vibrancy in voice he unfolded the tumultuous  relationship with a girl of his age 22.

Sometime back dumped by boy friend, the girl was extremely depressed.  Youngman Ravi (name changed), moved by her listlessness decided to help her come out of the depression.  Encouraged by positive outcome their friendship deepened as mutual fondness metamorphosed into infatuation usually perceived as love.  

Being his maiden relationship, Ravi glossed over her mood swings and frequent misconduct like use of abusive language that included liberal use of ‘F’ words, physical violence, disrespectful comments out of jealousy and so on.  He found her unbearably possessive leading to several acrimonious situations.   Overwhelmed by feelings and lack of values she  had proposed physical relationship which was unhesitatingly  refused by him. 

Her frequent bouts of violent behavior were intense in that she did not hesitate to slap him. On one occasion he had to spit blood. On being asked as to what made him to be passive confessed—‘you see my values did not allow me to be rough with a woman. I also admit I need not have been so tolerant’.   About a week back her audacity to bite his nose in fit of anger made him to walk out of that relationship. 

          

 Despite the break up her spiteful activities were bothering him. Hence he decided to speak to me. After our interaction he felt confident to think of pragmatic action plan to regain his comfort zone.