INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE PART I

OVERVIEW

Healthy Sexuality.   

It needs clarification and re-emphasis to avoid mistaken belief.  Healthy Sexuality is the totality of being a male or female Ethically, Emotionally, Mentally, Relationally, Spiritually & Physically.   Most importantly, it does not mean absence of decease.  It also does not mean or allude to sexual intimacy.   

It encompasses a much bigger canvas in that any behavior that violates righteousness indicates Unhealthy Sexuality.     

   

Constraint. 

 

At the outset I need to confess my perceived inadequacy as a bachelor to author this write up.  Though paradoxical I have the advantage of ring side experiences as well as well filtered guidance of few accomplished couples. I have also reasons to believe that most couples tie the knot with almost no healthy understanding of its dynamics and cobweb of apprehensions. They simply take the plunge relying on warped understanding of sexuality, wishful thinking and experience watching their parents. 

Most women reconcile to spend life with in-laws, come what may as per societal expectations! My understanding crystallized as a Facilitator listening to real life situations shared by men & women, young and old; age group 11 to 70. Perspectives of children, adults, parents and grandparents helped filtering fluff!  

 

Teenagers.  Their unrestrained questions constantly sensitized me to parental inadequacy and indiscretions like intimacy, insensitive parenting,  promiscuous life style and so on.    Listening to their perspectives during Group Discussions allowed insight as to their quality of thinking on ‘values’ and ‘intimacy’.  Almost none had clear understanding of Healthy Sexuality. 

Adults Young and Old.  

Conditioned in unhealthy sexuality and no values during adolescence, stream of unhealthy sexuality steers adulthood and old age as well. In short the entire life.  Interacting with prospective couples and matrimonial discords revealed loads of unresolved hurts and bitterness.  

For instance, Dad of a teenager was not forthcoming in supporting his daughter, sexually abused by close relatives. Having resolved her cobwebs with me, she was able to provide psychological comfort to him to confess— "mujhse bhi hui thi galti in the heat of the moment. Par baad me laga ye kya kar diya maine. ( in heat of the moment I also defaulted. But later regretted it) I was so guilty. That became a factor for my depression”.  

On balance of experiential learning, perhaps, I may be more equipped to disturb the comfort zone of many to think differently.   

Preface 

Somehow image of this crucial crucible of ‘man-making and character building’ stands historically sullied.   Struggle in establishing compatibility is palpable.

Almost 30 years back at Jullundur, Punjab, I was interacting with a fun-loving couple regarding marital life. On being asked as to the percentage of happy couples, 90 percent was her prompt response. Husband’s perspective of 10 percent was vehemently objected—‘do you mean we are not’?  His pacifying response—‘Just think about the couples in our family’.  Exchanging notes she peevishly conceded.   

Alarmingly low percentage of compatibility in marriage was endorsed few months earlier by a young husband and few days back by two young happily married ladies in early 30s.   

 

Popular Slogans.  These discouraging expressions are  parroted casually by young, old and media. Ones that I recall:  

a)        It is a gamble/luck

b)        Marriage means compromises  especially for the woman.

c)        Yeh dilli ka  laddu hai,   jo khaya woh pachhtaya jo nahi khaya woh bhi pachhtaya

d)        Both have to adjust  and be flexible

Once during Group Discussion (GD) at Doon Youth Centre (DYC), few husbands and wives (they were not couples to allow real response) were invited for expert & experienced inputs. Their emphasis on two words, Compromise and Gamble, were questioned—‘gambling is not good then why should one Gamble in marriage?  Compromise lowers self esteem, then?’ Having no cogent reasons, the experts were fumbling!  The GD concluded with too many untangled cobwebs!   

MARRIAGE BLUES 

Reality Check

Overwhelmed by conditioning of ‘Gandibaat’ (Bad Stuff), real life issues are not discussable.  Barring negligible number, all conform and unconditionally abide by the conspiracy of silence on taboo topics: 

a)          Reproductive System;

b)          Crucial aspects like impotency, frigidity, sexual orientation & HIV Status are never addressed  before marriage.

c)          Questions on nuptial night.

d)          In short almost no discussion on Sexuality.  

Marriage Intimacy.   

 Unsaid perspectives relating to ‘Intimacy’ from the undiluted insights shared by forthright men and women including few who care.   

  

Pre-Marriage 

a)          Thought marriage meant  strolling in the garden holding hands

b)          Bridegroom to be was stressed as both were virgins

c)          17 year old girls; is it painful first time

d)          i am 22 and still kind of am uncomfortable with the idea of having sex, my boyfriend sometimes is extremely offended and feels really weird .

e)          he is kinda uncomfortable with my idea of the entire thing.

f)           ... but his remarks sometimes make me feel like there is something wrong with me and thats not how a relationship should be

g)          Bridegroom to be, 32 yr old—I expect oral sex from her after marriage. If she doesn’t agree I will get it elsewhere.

h)         Young Lady—most of my married friends are into anal sex. Is it right?

i)           Lady carried guilt of masturbation for years. Shared by four ladies 18 to well over 50—It is an issue with 70 to 80 percent women but seldom discussed. According to one gentlemen, around 60, number is 100 percent.   

Nuptial Night 

 

a)          I was virgin and had blood on penis after first time

b)          It felt like somebody was stabbing me over and over with a knife”

c)          I got my period on my honeymoon night. I wasn’t comfortable having intercourse especially since it was my first time. My husband’s response was – “are you joking? I’ve waited for this night for a long time. Nothing is going to stop me”. I had to agree”. 

d)          On my honeymoon night, I didn’t know what to do when the time came so I asked my husband. His reply: “loosen your salwar and lie back

e)          The bride screamed for protection when husband touched her.  To the embarrassment of bridegroom,  neighbours arrived; by then the girl had run away to her guardians’ house in informals  at  midnight.

f)           Positive Input .   From a young married woman few days back —‘one friend of mine remained virgin for a year until she was ready supported by her patient and tender husband’   

Post Marriage

1)          “My husband never asks me what I like. Once I suggested something and he made me feel cheap and dirty and said he couldn’t do what I asked. Yet I had to fulfil his every fantasy.”

2)          “I was very happy when the initial euphoria of our marriage wore out. At least I didn’t have to endure the sex anymore”.

3)          “Sometimes I’m asleep when my husband has sex with me. I ask him to cover me up when he’s finished”.

4)          “My husband had problems sustaining an erection and stopped having sex with me. I suggested a sex therapist for some counselling. His response was to buy me a vibrator”.

5)          “Foreplay? As long as my husband is aroused, that’s all that matters”.

6)          “My husband never asks me whether I climaxed. Once he’s satisfied, he turns over and goes to sleep”.

7)          “I never knew a woman could actually enjoy sex until I divorced and married a man who took the time and effort to make sure I was part of the whole act”.

8)          Husband’s focus on pornography strained relationship and separation.

9)          Husband over 40—is stressed and into pornography as wife is not  OK with oral sex

10)       Raped his wife of 13. She had to be hospitalized for months  due to ruptured vagina. 

After Marriage—Years Later  

a)        Empowered teen age daughter could draw Dad out of his shell to confess his guilt of sexual abuse

b)        Grandfather raped grand daughter

c)        Matrimonial discord after 35 years marriage due to adulterous husband

d)        Offered Rs 50000/- to sleep with a girl in need of finances.

e)        Input from a lady married for 30 years to comment on advice to a prospective bride—first time is like rape said—why only first time?               

f)         Promiscuous life adds spice to life.

g)        Teenage daughter in emotional distress growing up in a house where apart from her Mom mistress of Dad was residing.   

Relevant Issues

a)        Woman’s Era (magazine targeting middle class Indian women) survey: close to 90% of married Indian women don’t know what an orgasm is or have never experienced one.

b)        Most mothers advise their daughters to please their husbands in bed in whatever way they are asked to. But they must never express their needs.

c)        Female Genital Mutilation that is carried out in certain tribal areas of Africa and the Middle East are aimed at ensuring that women do not enjoy sex later in life. The fear is that they may become promiscuous and stray.

d)        Two women expected maid to insert dildo in anus and tempted her with attractive monthly wages

Feedback from a Teenager 17 Jan 15.  In her words ‘sad how women are taught to resign to their husbands' will for their endless libido. husband demanded sex  wife  refused  as she had periods. Next night too she was not OK as period was on. He reacted thus "either strip or get the hell out of my room".   … worst part, no one talks about it. Men feel marriage is the license to sex’.  Distressful situation is prevailing, yet life goes on.  Consequence , unhappiness across the board.   

We need to take note that what has been stated under Marriage Intimacy is just the proverbial ‘Tip of the Iceberg.’

 
            Unfortunately, as products of conditioning,   almost the entire human race, though potentially divine, is in pursuit of Success Chimera—Money Power Status as against the innate craving for compassion, empathy and love-filled relationship.   

 Readers’ perspective would be helpful in addressing the real life struggles of both men and women and thus work towards creation of a better world, starting with first link in the chain, ‘Family’. Marriage is the crucial first step of that Link. So Be It!

                      To be Contd