ANECDOTES SERIAL 3 UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, HORMONES & LABELING

Unconditional Love 

 

Indescribable words/phrases, I think, one learns best thru experiential learning.  

Early 1950 winter, month Jan, I was in Class 6 SJA Dehradun.  Circular on dress code repeatedly cautioned us all to wear the school badge & neck Tie—cost of both was Rs 10/- only.  Yet for our family it was not a meager amount!  

Bro CP Burke, Irish Principal, was endearingly charming yet feared for his imposing personality. On round one day, he directed all defaulters to go back home and return with the amount.  

 While walking back I was not sure of rejoining school!!  Sensing my hurt Ma hugged me with reassuring smile.  Her caring concern and determined search of nooks & corners of half a dozen boxes yielded results.  Rs 10/- was eked out to my delight. I still vividly remember with a sense of immense gratitude ‘Expression of Unconditional Love in Action’. 

Despite blue-blooded lineage, daughter of a ‘Zamindar’, Mom consistently modeled patience and humility.  Amazing Lady with almost no formal education!

Effect of Hormones 

            Messy childhood pushed me into turbulent stream of sexuality.  As conditioned products of Indian culture and that too upper caste Brahmins, elders were too silent for comfort to discuss sexuality!   Negotiating rocks and boulders in that stream all on my own was a huge challenge until well into my adulthood.  

           Situations full of temptations kept cropping up setting my emotions on roller coaster ride. Recognizing vulnerability sub-consciously enhanced emotional stress shuttling between ‘YES’ and ‘NO’!  Thankfully, well-embedded value compass helped in steering away from drowning! Nevertheless during early teens interaction with a girl of my age did rattle me as she too appeared vulnerable particularly one day when we were alone. Initiative on my part that day could have been disastrous!!     

Equipped with soft skills and gregarious attitude my social circle was forever expanding.  Status of bachelorhood was of added interest to those with eligible  daughters.  Equipped with soft skills and interest in performing arts, music, dancing & dramatics helped pursuing my hidden  agenda as  an attention seeker to charm others, particularly women irrespective of age.   It felt nice to find them willing to develop intimacy disregarding their marital status.  Thankfully, value compass and abstinence from alcohol aided my resolve never to cross the line. Informal interactions at National Defense Academy (NDA) in Jun 1958 reinforced my resolve always and every time. 

Just before graduating from NDA, our informal but quality interaction with the Commandant on birds & bees remained etched in my memory. Inter-alia his response to question from a Cadet as to how one should respond to advances of a married woman was telling—‘please remember such illicit affairs cannot remain secret for long. Once it is public,  you will be compelled to make either of the two choices 1) To walk out  or 2) get married accepting her along with all her liabilities; children & financial.  If you are not prepared to marry, make sure that you do not touch her irrespective of pressures’

Awareness of repercussions were thrown to winds when I allowed lust to guide my choices. Beauty and vivaciousness of the lady were too charming to resist. By then hormones were in full flow. One choice led to another until the foreplay made me vulnerable enough to go along with her offer for physical intimacy.   Somewhere within feeling of guilt was gnawing. In that tussle of emotions, I over-heard voice of my friends announcing they needed to return home to kids immediately as the time was 2 AM already.  That seemed to me like the ‘Voice of Serendipity’ and opportunity to exit which I did disregarding her enticing pleas.  Sitting in the car I heaved a sigh of relief for stepping back from the edge of precipice!  

Few days later during a social gathering she asked—‘Sushant  you must be very angry with me’.  I replied—‘No. But I am angry at self because how could I allow myself to be so vulnerable’?  

Tongue-and–Cheek: Thanked her for the acid test and enabling me to learn lesson of my life!!

          Lesson. Never go to a place where you may become vulnerable.  

Labeling and Criticism

1948; my parents could afford my education in way side innocuous school in Dehradun. Medium of teaching there was Bengali. Amidst few messed up friends older than me, my schooling started. 

Eldest sister was not satisfied as she was crazy about my schooling in a reputed English Medium Public School, St Joseph’s Academy.  That caused series of acrimonious situation as expenses were beyond family budget. Dad’s academic excellence and focus on quality education got the better of him. Added factor was his interest and proficiency in English. Thus started my education at SJA. 

To recap reasons for the popularity of English then as well as now, credit goes to the perceptive strategy of a British parliamentarian, Lord Macaulay. Excerpt of his speech in parliament on 2^nd February 1835: 

“I have travelled across the length and breadth of India and I have not seen one person who is a beggar, who is a thief. Such wealth I have seen in this country , such high moral values,  people of such high caliber  that I do not think we would ever conquer this country, unless we break the very backbone of this nation which is her spiritual and cultural heritage , and, therefore I propose we replace her old and ancient education system, her culture, for if the Indians think  all that is foreign and English is good and greater than their own, they will lose their self esteem, their native culture and they will become what we want them, a truly dominated nation”. 

As Indians we need to be conscious of not becoming subservient to everything foreign or British! Learning a language or emulating good points is positive. But lowering self esteem to  commit intellectual suicide would be counterproductive and self-defeating. 

There being no option attending school was an ordeal.  With almost no understanding of English, I felt lost and my self esteem nosedived.   Only Dad had the knowledge to teach English. But he was much too busy and impatient as a teacher. That added to my woes.   

Wish my class teacher, who was strikingly pretty, could be more supportive.  Enamored by her grace and poise, I relished the crush. But for that and few friends I used to dread going to school like an obedient son holding promise of enhancing the family image!  Amusingly ironical too!  Yet I did not have the courage to share my struggles.  Lack of transparency in parenting still continues. 

Perhaps, frustrated by her inability to  teach me English and perpetual look of bewilderment when asked a question,  she labeled me  ‘Donkey’ one day. I did not know the meaning but could sense it was a derogatory word from her angry visage and titter of students. Curious to know the meaning I asked Dad on his return from office. His contemptuous query whether I had been called one after telling me the meaning ‘Gadha’, was extremely hurtful. 

Overwhelmed by remorse I went to seek solace in the caring lap of Mom.  Do not recall Dad feeling apologetic. Though I learnt to live with it but it did leave a discomforting scar.  

Lesson:  Putting labels on anyone at any age or stage adversely affects the psyche and quality of relationship.