SEXUAL ABUSE PART II

Introduction

Until I joined Doon Youth Centre (DYC) in 2000, I had almost no understanding as to intensity of  the scourge of sexual abuse affecting males (70%) and females (90%) in India. It seems refuge in land of divinity and ‘much publicized rich cultural heritage’ did not help in instilling ‘’sanskar’ !   As a survivor I am able to relate with the endless struggles of a victim!

     

Adults of today may be survivors of yesterday, yet almost everyone chooses to maintain stoic silence to the sufferings of our sons and daughters!   Why? Should we be satisfied with this ostrich approach? Consequence—Insecure environment due to growing attitude of unhealthy sexuality amongst both genders.

On 3 Jan 2015, while interacting with a qualified young Doctor and father of a lovely child, his awareness of less than 30 % was challenged when he discovered  ground realities.   Moot points are three—1) Low awareness due to opaque attitude 2) Parents are not equipped to empower the kids 3) Shying away from exposing the abusers due to misplaced understanding of relationship. 

Very little has changed despite comprehensive coverage of the issue in Satyamev Jayate serial on Sexual Abuse. Ensuing episodes amply focuses on the urgency to take radical steps to shake the society out of “Gandibaath Syndrome’ and thus protect the childhood of our precious children without delay.

Episode One—Male 

Few Gentlemen Cadets (GCs) from Indian Military Academy (IMA) started visiting DYC frequently some years back. They soon discovered that life was not all about spit and polish when their thinking was challenged during genuine interaction without malice. Enthused with the welcoming ambience and quality discussion they made choice to walk up the steps whenever they could. 

It was nice to see the transformation to find them reworking out their conditioned learning since childhood including IMA. At one stage they suggested us to conduct such sessions at IMA so that more GCs could benefit.  Efforts to plug in at IMA did not succeed as we kept awaiting the final call from there.   Few  GCs, however, kept visiting bringing in new faces. 

One evening a smart young GC wanted to share something very personal. Ten days were left for his graduation ceremony on successful completion of training. This tall handsome guy with a cheerful and vibrant body language appeared mighty pleased with himself.   Hence his request to talk sensitized me that inner environment, despite upheavals, is never revealed until one feels sufficiently comfortable to  unmask!  How to create that individual-specific comfort zone continues to remain my challenge as a facilitator.  

Responding to his request for confidentiality we settled down in the counseling room.  He was upfront in explaining his concern thus—‘You know I am not performing up to my potential’.  Raising his hand he said ‘I can be there  but am way down. This has been affecting my self-worth and confidence level since long’. He continued to explain—‘I do not prepare before examination well knowing I should. Then my adverse performance depresses me and remain in the sad cycle for some time.  All this makes me feel confused and disenchanted with life.  I do not know what to do to regain the zest’.    

Repeated attempts to identify the root cause did not help. He kept expressing his inability although agreeing there had to be a cogent reason.  After 20 minutes or  so I asked him to describe  childhood experiences up to the age of 10.  There was a pregnant pause before he bared his heart  ‘not good as I was sexually abused between 5 and 10 by a girl few years older’.  Positive change in his attitude thereafter was palpable as he narrated his conduct and emotional struggle without hesitation.  

He shared that his hatred for females led him to entice, use & then discard them as if with vengeance. He, nevertheless, did not feel good doing what he was doing. His stormy teenage years left indelible scars as no one understood his emotional turmoil within. Friends minimized his struggle saying—‘why are you worried?  You are having a good time anyway’. 

Having emptied his tank of toxic feelings, he bounced back full of zest and self-confidence. High point of the session—‘Thanks a lot Sushant for helping me to unshackle myself of self created cobwebs of emotional jungle’. We shook hands and hugged before leaving. 

Few days later and just four days before the Graduation Ceremony at IMA he reappeared bubbling with energy.   Walking up  he said—“Sushant, thanks once again. I feel like rocking the world”. Hope he is doing that!!  

Such genuine compliments I shall cherish forever!

Episode Two—Female

My awareness on AIDS as late as at 60 was appalling.  I recall snide comments of my scholarly friend; whom I called Oracle.  They were charming couples enviably popular for their spontaneous hospitality 24/7.   

 Once discussion was on HIV/AIDS.  Hearing my perspective his comment—‘Oh ho HIV does not mean AIDS; elementary Mr Watson?—revealed my ‘level’ of awareness! Yet I  glossed over and did not ask him to explain the difference.  May be ego came in the way!   Loser was no one else but me!  I think  earlier one circumvents it the better for self growth and internal stability!  Am I being too philosophical? At DYC I learnt the difference and fondly recalled memories of Oracle who is no more.  

Frequently HIV/AIDS came up for discussion initiated by participants.  Thus youth were able to share their doubts and discover the difference between perception and facts. Is safe sex safe was often discussed.  Statistics revealed the most vulnerable age group was between 15 and 25. They were encouraged to process and assimilate facts based on individual perspectives. Undeniable truism:  empowered youth is fully equipped to ensure own safety.  This was in line with the ethos of DYC. 

One activity undertaken that year was to spread awareness amongst general public during Annual World AIDS Week in December.  Accordingly, screening of film at a central location was organized after the shops downed shutter. A number of young boys and girls of DYC fraternity were present to help. 

At one stage a girl from conservative family, regular at DYC, came up to me and said—‘I want to talk about something very personal’.  Although seemingly calm I could sense her emotional upheaval.  Without preliminaries she displayed immense power and courage in sharing—‘You know something, I was raped by grandfather when I was 5’.   Though brimming with emotions she went on to ask clarification on a mega concern—‘do you think I could be suffering from AIDS?’  While bouncing off thoughts she shared her feeling of disgust towards late grandfather in that she avoided looking at his photograph in “Mandir Room’ of the house.  Like most victims, she could not share it with anyone including her Mom. What an irony that children grow up closeted with deep scars. Apparently  foundation of the relationship, conditioned by meaningless festivals and rituals, is too fragile to allow transparency!!

It seems her feelings surfaced while attending the program on AIDS that day and thinking about the long incubation period of HIV.  Listening to her she did not seem to have any noticeable symptoms of persisting illness.  I do not recall whether she was victim of penetrative rape or her understanding of rape.  Apparently, the experience was much too horrific  that snowballed into such a mega apprehension—AIDS!  At that time I was not adequately equipped to respond to her doubts. Hence I took her permission to seek clarification from my colleague Ken. She readily agreed. Such spontaneous and powerful responses only enhanced my respect for this young lady.

 

After interacting with Ken I was straight with her—‘HIV/AIDS was unlikely. In case she was not satisfied she could choose to go for blood profile test to an authorized centre with our help, if she needed’.  She was satisfied and regained her bubbly poise to move on with life and thanking us profusely.   

As for me such occasions remain special as powerful minds like hers have the potential to provide quality leadership and direction to youth.