BOY GIRL RELATIONSHIP SERIAL 4

Introduction

Primary reason for the upheavals in boy girl relationship is infatuation mistakenly perceived as love.  Visual media has worsened the situation in that even children in junior classes are affected. Examples:

a)            Class 4 Girl on return from school asks Mom—‘I saw a boy in my class kiss a girl. What is it Mom?’ Mother’s confused response could not have helped. 

b)            Six year old girl to Mother—‘Why do people kiss?’  Mom made sensible efforts to respond.

c)            Upper KG boy fought as he did not like another classmate talking to the girl he liked!

d)            As recalled by a Class 12 boy, the issue starts in junior classes and narrated his Class 4 experience—‘whenever I stood in queue next to a girl peers used to pass comments’.

 What is Love?    As already explained in serial 2 ‘Love is a value that is actualized through loving actions subordinating feelings to values’.  It is a common denominator in any relationship. Merely saying ‘it’ would be meaningless without demonstration of:

a)    Trust, 
b)    Respect,  
c)     Understanding to include Empathy & Compassion 
d)    Commitment,  
e)    Transparent communication

Infatuation.   It is guided by illogical or negative feelings.  Symptoms—insecurity, possessiveness, distractions, drop in performance, mood swings, violent behavior, sexual pressures, financial demands, self injury, low self esteem  to name some. 

Boys and Girls Think Differently.  Boys give love to get sex; girls give sex to get love. This thought is strong in infatuation-driven relationship with chances of tripping! Either this awareness is not there or glossed over due to unhealthy sexuality.

Unhealthy Sexuality.  

Illustrated by real life experience of a 22 year old girl, dark complexioned but strikingly charming, shared on 26 Jan 15.  During school days she carried huge burden for labeling her complexion and caste. With low self esteem, she pined for attention from any boy. Her two relationships  at school ended distastefully.

Pertinently, without clear understanding  of six factors (ethically, physically, mentally, emotionally, relationally & spiritually) adolescence flows along unhealthy stream of sexuality scared by unpleasant experiences and low Emotional Quotient (EQ).    

As admitted by teenagers 95 percent are affected by BG relationship. Yet they are expected to excel in academic performance by parents as well as school.  Ironically everyone admits significance of emotional health (EQ) over academic performance (IQ) but support system is almost absent.  Refer to Healthy Sexuality. 

Emotional burden is compounded due to lack of awareness amongst youth regarding healthy relationship based on clear understanding of values, love and infatuation.   Thanks to the embedded cultural conditioning in ‘Gandibaat Syndrome’, parents/teachers are neither equipped nor willing to address such crucial issues for children rattled by onset of hormones.   Outcome is horrific! 

Ensuring  episodes highlight the risks and dangers of  unhealthy relationship.

Episode 1

Raped at 16 by ‘Rakhi Bhaiyya’ 

(Her Story)

In a high profile residential coed school, life skills classes were conducted late evening once a week for students of classes 11 & 12.  Few were keen to learn. Striking characteristics of majority were two—low attendance and distraction.   It indicated unmanaged emotional issues. Obsession of school authorities with discipline and implicit obedience added fuel to ‘suppressed’ fire.  They could let hair down in our class.    

Positive discipline being our focus, conducting classes was a challenge. Sometimes it was difficult to be patient. Flip side of learning was  teaching needs to be class specific. We also learnt techniques to calm them down to concentrate.  This allowed rapport building and personal interaction on real life issues. 

  

To let out emotions they started interacting very soon.  Struggles and tribulation shared were revealing:

a)          Strikingly beautiful girl Class 12—‘my boy friend wanted sex as birthday gift. He was hurt when I refused. Have I done something wrong?’ After brief interaction she realized her power to say NO. A crucial step towards empowerment.

b)          Class 12 Boy —‘Restrictions imposed by school management is a farce. Sex within campus  is common’. 

c)          Class 9 girl was into relationship with teacher

d)          Class 11 girl was an emotional wreck as her boy friend walked out after forcing her to ‘French Kiss’ using tongue.

e)          Such sessions allowed students to regain comfort zone.  

Group activities and role plays on real life scenarios generated enthusiasm to participate and perform. Many of them acted very well. I noticed one particular girl Asha (name changed), though regular in class, was recluse and noticeably unhappy as if life had no charm. 

One more effective method was real life narratives to hold their attention. One day I narrated the episode on attempted rape Read.  Following week Asha walked up to me and whispered—‘last week you talked about attempted rape. I was raped at 16. I am into self harm and have attempted suicide several times. Recently I was in  ICU’.

She was unwilling for one on one session but shared details in a letter—‘never felt loved at home; no one celebrated her birthday not even greetings; craved for love and attention’.  She sought comfort from boys as they were caring initially. To ward off physical advances, she kept changing boyfriends. In the company of Ashish (name changed), ‘rakhi bhaiyya’, she felt genuinely wanted and loved. Being son of Dad’s friend  he enjoyed confidence of the family too and could walk in anytime.  After sometime she noticed change in behavior as he wanted to be physical. Blinded by infatuation she was unable to take a firm stand.

During Holi festival when her parents were not at home, he walked in to her bedroom. She was dancing. Taking advantage of the din he  raped her. Later she learnt of his addiction to alcohol and drugs. She felt shattered and shared with her brother who blamed her instead of taking concrete  action. Few days later the rapist, perhaps under the weight of guilt and intoxication, committed suicide. This burdened her more with feeling of guilt accusing herself for his death.

After few interactions she regained composure. She also appeared more communicative and cheerful.   Choice  to check her predilection for self harm/suicide was significant. To my question what she would like to do after school replied with spark of confidence—‘I plan to be a doctor’! Though we are not in touch, I wish her well. Hopefully,  she is a reputed doctor! Amen.   


Lesson. ‘Bhaiyya’ concept per se is one sure way of rendering girls vulnerable to    lechers.    

  

Episode 2

Ordeal of Face Book Friendship

(Her Story)

   It was a full day of teaching life skills to students of class 9 and 11 in a school. Around mid day  my colleague called up to say  that  a girl of Class 11 wanted to speak to me urgently. It sounded like ‘SOS’. Recognizing the urgency school management permitted her to interact with me during school hours.

Pretty young and fair complexioned lady walked in looking intensely distraught and flushed with emotions. Having attended our classes earlier, we were not strangers. Sitting down she burst into tears of anguish and anxiety. Allowed her the space and time to cry and settle down with intermittent prompts of comfort.  

Regaining composure she narrated her ordeal sobbing—‘I became friends with this college guy on face book about six months back.  Everything was going on fine. I liked his caring conversation and gifts including money to make me happy.   We have been meeting surreptitiously on the pretext of tuitions. My family is too conservative to allow such friendship’.  

With tears flowing and fears of apprehension she continued—‘Few days back he shocked me by making preposterous demand to sleep with him. He demanded it as birthday gift few days hence.  How can he do that disregarding my innocence and tender age. Refusal enraged him to say I need to return his gifts or agree’. Fear and confusion had numbed her logical thinking to assume that her father would throw her out if he came to know of her affair’.

Having allowed her to empty out feelings I asked whether apprehensions had limits. Her response was no. All along I kept encouraging her with affirmations that she genuinely deserved yet glossed over. This expanded her comfort zone. Challenging her to recap learning of life skills—she  had the choice to be either feelings based or think logically in dealing with the situations she was in. 

When asked what could be a possible assertive response, prompt reply was—I can tell him to go to hell. By now her self esteem had surged and she was smiling ear to ear.  Session concluded making her feel good and confident around 1:40 PM. 

I reached home around 2 PM when I received her call—‘You know when I walked out of the school gate with a friend he was standing there and blocked my way’.   I was furious. I slapped him  and told him to go to hell. Am feeling great’.  Though delighted I was somewhat concerned about her over reaction. 

Following week when I met her in school she was all smiles while sharing that she had taken her father into confidence.  Call from her Dad had instilled so much scare that the guy was repeatedly requesting her to save him. He also promised never to bother her. Her initiative helped improvement of relationship at home. I did caution her to think about her over reaction!  

Full credit to her and supportive Dad.  

  

Lesson: Parents need to be equipped to maintain transparent relationship and empower children to protect themselves against INFATUATION.     

BOY GIRL RELATIONSHIP SERIAL 3

    

PROLOGUE

       Is Boy-Girl Relationship an Issue?

Parents. Parents and elderly fumble with generalities when asked to share their perspective on this issue.  Undoubtedly parents are the best well-wishers but not adequately equipped in parenting skills. Children do not find them approachable to discuss personal matters especially on birds and bees. Please read the post ‘Healthy Sexuality’.  

 

Students. Whenever asked whether boy-girl relationship was an issue replied—Not at all. But the teachers make it an issue out of non-issue;  angrily concluding they suffer from phobia:

a)          CCTV cameras have been  installed  to spy on us as if we are criminals.

b)          Class 9 girl—teacher recently rebuked a guy for poor performance in the class: your hand writing is bad because you talk to girls too much. 

c)          Students are constantly checked even for simple hair style/dress.

         

 When asked what percentage of boys and girls are affected by it,  95 per cent is the prompt reply normally from students of Classes 7 to 12.  Thereafter, they peevishly admit—it is a major issue.  This opens up window for students to seek counseling support from us. 

 

Research.  Extensive research based on real feedback from students Class 6 to 12 from more than 20 schools revealed disturbing facts:

a)            Lack self discipline

b)            Lack of confidence

c)            Low self esteem

d)            Poor decision making ability

e)            No understanding of values 
f)             Around 80 percent discuss personal issues with friends.

g)            Students do not talk to Teachers/Fathers. Negligible number talk to Mothers.      

  

 Consequences

   

 Real life instances only corroborated the research findings. Huge burden of emotional baggage, compounded by pressure of discipline/performance, rattled teenagers. In emotional vacuum of no adult support from teachers/parents, their empty love tank pushes them into unhealthy relationship. Thus rendering them vulnerable to reactive choices: self-harm, suicidal thoughts, poor academic performance, substance abuse, promiscuous life and so on.    

Students graduate from school with low Emotional Quotient (EQ); ill-equipped to deal with challenges of freedom, loneliness, temptations, ragging etc they head for selected colleges burdened with parental expectation. Unshackled, there the temptations are more compelling. Credible  feedbacks specify  unfettered indulgence by students in all colleges including prestigious institutions like IITs, IIMs, Medical Colleges and National Law Colleges .  Latest was from a very high caliber young man studying in a world class institution.

Overall outcome is students are loaded with unmanageable level of emotional stress  On 22 Jan 2015 one of our ex studens, now in a prestigious college, called up seeking emotional support. Expressed his concern regarding the all pervasive rot destroying young boys and girls of that ‘reputed’ college. Painful story of his demeaning and disastrous relationship has been  narrated subsequently    

After more than seven years this student in distress thought of us for support. It was to fill such void in emotional support that Doon Youth Centre (DYC) was founded.  Encouraging confirmation of our Unique Objective/Vision.

Vision of DYC

  Empowerment and lifelong transformation of youth imbued with Character and Competence to attain purpose of life.  We needed to be equally unique in pursuing that vision.

DYC environment is such that teenagers or for that matter anyone walking-in feel unconditionally loved, trusted and secure. This uniqueness is created by the facilitators wherever sessions are conducted be it at the Centre, Class Rooms, or any other location. 15 years nurturing has been rewarding in that almost the entire fraternity appreciates its uniqueness that has helped fostering camaraderie & lifelong relationship. 

 

At 75 I feel honoured as well as humbled when  young men and women revive contact after years and spend hours sharing real life experiences and fond memories—inexpressible feelings soaring dizzy heights!  

      What is Empowerment?

Self Discipline. With clear understanding of ethics/virtues, develop the ability to choose Right over Wrong while making choices in life.

Proactive Response.  Ability to choose response to situations based on values/happy feelings and logical analysis of consequences. It is a winners’ response. Opposite to that is Reactive or Impulsive Response overwhelmed by sad feelings with adverse consequences. It is LOSE-LOSE response.

Methodology

Trained in non-directive counseling and interactive mode of teaching, team of committed facilitators has been conducting life skills classes in different schools.   

Real NOT Right Answers.  Almost everyone grows up programmed to give ‘Right’ answers. How are you draws a spontaneous response ‘Fine’ though one may be simmering with anger internally due to unfair criticism.  Life is not virtual but real. We have evolved techniques to motivate students to be Real. Otherwise teaching of life skills would not be beneficial.  Students love it.   

 

Mode of Learning. Learning of students is more important than teaching. Image of teachers should be that of a facilitator (friendly teacher).  Interactive mode of learning and enabling environment thus created allow students to validate their own perception.  Interaction allows healthy discussion as against debate/dialogue 

Being Friendly.  One misplaced understanding is that friendliness breeds familiarity. The dividing line between friendliness and familiarity may be thin yet distinct. Why only students, everyone likes to interact with someone who is friendly. In fact one needs to guard against familiarity as it breeds ‘contempt’.

Interactive Mode.  Generally the trend of interaction in this competitive environment is I WIN-YOU LOSE. Consequence—mistrust, selfishness, fragile relationship to name few.  In short everyone loses. DYC encourages WIN-WIN Mode of cooperative learning which allows participants to internalize empathy and compassion forming part of their attitude.

Uniqueness.   This time tested method, evolved over 15 years, is unique as per repeated feedbacks from erstwhile students. Innovations to make the teaching progressive and contextual have enhanced its uniqueness bearing the stamp of  DYC.  

Attitudinal Change.  95 percent students affected by boy-girl relationship is a behavior stemming from unhealthy attitude rooted in unhealthy sexuality.  The techniques evolved helped us develop skills that enable youth to make self-correction in attitude at their pace.

MOLESTATION BY GIRL FRIEND (HIS STORY)

One day I received innocuous message on Face Book from a young man studying in a prestigious institution. In due course it transpired he was an ex student who fondly recalled our life skills classes while in school. It felt nice to hear from an ex student almost seven years later that he still remembered those classes!  

 

Rattled by emotional upheavals he chose to seek counseling support from us still reposing trust in our relationship despite counseling facilities existing there.   Haltingly yet with vibrancy in voice he unfolded the tumultuous  relationship with a girl of his age 22.

Sometime back dumped by boy friend, the girl was extremely depressed.  Youngman Ravi (name changed), moved by her listlessness decided to help her come out of the depression.  Encouraged by positive outcome their friendship deepened as mutual fondness metamorphosed into infatuation usually perceived as love.  

Being his maiden relationship, Ravi glossed over her mood swings and frequent misconduct like use of abusive language that included liberal use of ‘F’ words, physical violence, disrespectful comments out of jealousy and so on.  He found her unbearably possessive leading to several acrimonious situations.   Overwhelmed by feelings and lack of values she  had proposed physical relationship which was unhesitatingly  refused by him. 

Her frequent bouts of violent behavior were intense in that she did not hesitate to slap him. On one occasion he had to spit blood. On being asked as to what made him to be passive confessed—‘you see my values did not allow me to be rough with a woman. I also admit I need not have been so tolerant’.   About a week back her audacity to bite his nose in fit of anger made him to walk out of that relationship. 

          

 Despite the break up her spiteful activities were bothering him. Hence he decided to speak to me. After our interaction he felt confident to think of pragmatic action plan to regain his comfort zone.